Disabled ma/ grandma overwhelmed by hosting Christmas for 14 and unsure what to do without causing bad feeling

[Mollymoppett]

I’m a mum and grandma, I find Christmas overwhelming, no idea what to get kids, son is always too busy to discuss. There are now 14 of us Christmas Day and I just don’t want to do it anymore, weeks to prepare and days to clean up. I’m disabled and have always struggled but as I’m getting older things are getting more difficult. No one else can host for various reasons, some want to go out but at £150 a head, wow ! Plus I cant eat normally ( thanks to chronic gut problems) so that seems a waste, plus some of the group refuse to pay that. I know what will happen - no one will make a decision then a few weeks before il end up offering and wear myself out again,
how do you all deal with the Christmas dynamics, how would the younger mums feel if families did their own things just for the lunch and then meet up after ( my son thinks is an abhorrent idea, splitting family apart etc).
I just don’t know. My DH says we should just go away but I don’t want to do that either ( pets to consider, health is dodgy and I like to be at home for Christmas ).

Don’t offer your home as a base and everyone brings something. You still have the effort of cleaning and will end up having to fill the gaps (which will be many). Just say you won’t be hosting this year. If no one else steps up, arrange to meet up with the different family units separately over the Christmas period. Boxing Day dog walk with one. Mad hot chocs in Costa with another. Christmas Eve carol service. Festive light walk. Break it up into smaller chunks so you actually get to spend time with people instead of racing about cooking and pouring drinks. Cash in a card for gifts, pyjamas or Christmas bubble bath for under 8s so they have something to unwrap. It’s only a mission if you make it a mission. Quiet Christmas Day at home, telephone calls with grandkids if it works out. Piling it all into one day in one house is madness - Christmas is 12 days for a reason!

If you enjoy having everyone together, you can do it but do it differently. Scrap a traditional lunch and get everyone to bring different dishes. Insist that everyone helps with clean up!

Get your DH to be frank with your son. He is utterly selfish.

Offer to host tea/coffee and cake/mince pies/chocolates one afternoon/weekend before Christmas to meet and exchange gifts if you do. You can buy ready made things, paper plates and just have cups/forks/spoons to wash up. Then Christmas Day everyone can do their own thing and you can have a meal as small or big as you can do.

I personally would hate having someone cook in my kitchen but that's a personal preference.

I think you just need to tell them and be done with it. It'll only get harder. I'm in the same situation only it ends up being over a week with two children who are out of control. I don't want to do it anymore either but no one else can host. I've just had enough.

This is what you will, ultimately, have to do.

I honestly think you have to just say you aren't able to host anymore and hope someone else takes on the task. Could everyone bring something to contribute to lunch? Or could you all have a "Christmas lunch" out a different day so the prices aren't so high?

We having had Christmas day with our siblings for years. Once we had kids older then babies we started hosting our own most years, and the grandparents alternate who they would go to for the day. We then meet our siblings, and the other parents, on different days over the Christmas holidays. Sometimes my parents will host that on our side, with a buffet.

Doesn't our son gave in laws he needs to see some years? All being together every Christmas we lnt out if the window once we had long term partners on our family.

If you live close your idea of desperate dinner and meet up later is good. Tell them it's too much, you can't host so if no one else can fit everything in, you'll have to have christmas dinner separately and see each other later or another day.

Have the whole family get together on Boxing Day and each family brings food.

I do also know families who have a Christmas lunch out as a big group a different day so that it's cheaper, then just buffet on the day, or separate celebrations.

Say no now. Don’t leave it. It is then up to them to sort it out. Stay strong in your resolve.

My parents are early 80's and my young adult children want to go to grandparents for Christmas. They were reluctant to host, 6 of us in total, so nothing like 14!. I've said that I will cook Christmas dinner for everyone and on the other days I or the young adults will cook. We're just using their house as a venue. It's an all or nothing for us as they're in a different country so dropping in for a few hours isn't possible. I've asked them to order the turkey and ham and I'll get my sister to the 'big Christmas shop' as we won't be home until 23 December (my mum's birthday). Could you suggest something like this?

I'm confused who's in your family - you, DH, son, his wife and kids? Presume there's another of your kids in there? Why is it all about DS? HE can't discuss presents, HE says you can't split family.

Message everyone now and tell them you're not physically up to doing it all.

Everyone needs to pick some foods to prep - list what you need from starter to dessert.

How far apart is everyone? Who can come down before and gel pset up Xmas Eve or similar? Assign jobs for clashing up.

Why can't your DH help?

YANBU OP. Tell them now that you are not physically able to host Christmas anymore.

Do you cover the cost normally? Do they bring anything?

I’d ask if the want to do their own thing or if one of them wants to come up with a plan to host some or all of them (though I would be honest if you are hoping that one of them host you for a change).

Presents - how old are the kids? Are they particularly fussy? TBH I find it exhausting having to come up with lists for family, I’ve already got to think about and buy my own Christmas shopping and it irks me that I need to take on other people’s shopping choices. I wish my mum and others would put a bit of thought into it themselves. The Christmas threads on here can be good for ideas depending on age/budget.

This
set up a group chat and say owing to your health you can’t do this moving forward. Does anyone else wish to host or should you all go out
throw it back to them
don’t let them pressurise you x

OP you really need to stop doing this, it really sounds like it is too much and has been for a while.
If your son thinks it’s abhorrent and splitting the family, he’s more than welcome to take over.

Yes it is shocking I agree

We are in a similar situation with my 84 year old mum who has been a widow since 2020 when dad died. She has osteoporosis and struggles with her mobility. We tend not to do the big family gathering on Xmas day anymore but instead choose either Boxing Day or one of the twixtmas days so there’s no pressure to do ‘turkey and trimmings’ This year she’s going to go to lunch with one of my 3 brothers near where they live and stay the night. Then any family members who can make it will all gather at hers on the 27th and we have now taken to doing ‘bring and share’ and it works so well. The last one we had she barely did anything other than some organising of a food delivery, the rest of us mucked in a brought either a main dish or pudding. She then rests while we wash up (at least that’s the idea although she does try to bustle around a bit!) I think it’s really important that as parents get older younger family members step up and ‘do their bit’. Life changes. That doesn’t mean it can’t be just as nice, we still have crackers and play games but removing the pressure of Xmas day itself so we can stay home with our own families and gather later has been perfect. We have to meet at hers as she is central and we are spread out geographically, the two siblings who live at a distance will stay over and the two who are closer just visit for the day. I hope you can find a compromise that works for everyone x

Go away for a family break or something apotluck dinner.wherte the rest of the family bri g significant contributions I.e starter, main course meat, vegetables, pudding, Christmas cake or yuke log, choice of alternative desserts, crackers, wine, soft drinks, cheese and biscuits etc After Eights etc etc. . Put those who aren't bringing anything on prep duties and washing up duties, collecting rubbish,etc.

@Mollymoppett
Say you cannot seriously cook for and feed 14 people with your health the way it is so you're not doing it, pure and simple!
And as for your bullying son
Well what about his charming partner alongside others in the family
Do they not themselves own pots and pans?
Anyways, keep saying NO
AND DO IT DAILY
Soon, they will get the message so go
Have yourself a nice tucked-up cosy Christmas at home with your husband and pets!

I’d it was easier, would you want to host?

I host, but one family bring the turkey cooked and wrapped in a towel to keep it warmed, one family bring par-boiled potatoes in oil in their roasting tin ready to go in my oven, one family bring wine. I do vegetables and pudding and cheese for later. We generally manage to wash up all their roasting times etc but if not they’d take them home dirty!

YNBU if you don’t want to host. But if you want everyone together and your house makes it easier, just delegate turkey/potatoes/skdes/pudding/wine as you see fit. I bet they’ll come, and happily bring their contributions.

I think the idea of asking other people to bring things and take responsibility for cooking at yours would be a good idea. Also if you have funds, "Cook" food is very nice and easy to shove in the oven / microwave (we had it for Boxing Day last year, 8 of us and everyone thought it was delicious, much cheaper than going out for a meal anyway but same if not better quality). You could offer to buy sides / the wine / a dessert and the other families take care of the rest.

I presume you gave the biggest house.

Would you be happy for people to still have the main meal at your house, if they sorted the food? When my in-laws were getting older, we turned to M and S. Someone cooked the turkey the day before, and the rest of us brought ready prepared roast potatoes, veg, pigs in blanket, desserts, trifles etc. so there was no cooking prep to do. Others brought snacky bits for a light tea.

If your son feels so strongly why can’t he cook?