Domestic abuse and victim blaming on MN?

[BeBlueSeal]

After I feel like hijacking many vulnerable women’s threads, thought it’d be interesting to start a conversation about this in its own right.

I love Mumsnet. I’ve used it and read it since I became a Mum 20 years ago. I love how it’s a female focused environment with smart clever women. Three babies in it’s still very much my go-to, googling any baby related issue. I’ll put “Mumsnet” on the end of my search because I value the input of “mumsnetters”!

I am genuinely disturbed by how many domestic violence related threads I see on here with victim blaming language constantly thrown around.

Why don’t you tell him to fuck Off?
i wouldn’t stand for this
i I would have done X, I would have done Y.
staying for the children ha ha ha ha are you serious?
you need to be stronger.
Are you a doormat?
Why did you have children with this man? Why did you have another child with this man?
How can you put your kids through this? I wouldn’t stand for this.
You’re not five years old.

Is there a fundamental misunderstanding here as to what domestic abuse actually is among swathes of women who have never experienced it?

why are so many people on this site unable to grasp that they do not understand or know what it’s like to be in this position ?

when I was in refuge with my babies, I met so many wonderful women. Intelligent, vibrant, wonderful women. Why does the cliche still exist on this site that DV victims need to “wake up”, tell their abusers to “fuck off” and “stop having kids”?

I really really do not like the “head buried in the sand” line here.
every second of my life i was acutely aware of my living hell. i was too FRIGHTENED to
move.

And If you think an abused mother needs a “kick up the arse” by a stranger on the internet well
…
my point exactly

Im bowing out now but i’m glad I started this thread. Those who get it, get it.
those who don’t, don’t.

Tbf, you’re only seeing things through your own lens. And I’m sure you’re right - kick up the backside talks wouldn’t have helped you. But you’re ignoring those of us who have been in abusive relationships and actually needed to hear “no, that’s not normal, I absolutely would not put up with that and neither should you”. Our viewpoints are every bit as valid as yours.

I have no issue with that sort of post and never have ?

That isn’t victim blaming. It isn’t remotely what I am taking about here.

Disingenuous, this is not what is being talked about and has been explained several times.

I’m torn with this. I have sympathy for people that are mentally and emotionally not able to break free, but at the same time, i get frustrated too. I know too many damaged children from where women have chosen to stay with an unsuitable man. Some of these children will never get over not being with their mum and not being chosen by their mum.

Those threads are not an opportunity for you (and other posters) to express your fustration though

Thats exactly what is happening, people that take it upon themselves to let out their frustration on the OP and have a go. At this people should be honest

It certainly doesnt build the OP up.

This is dismissive. The experience of abused women is very broad and I can see for myself what is being talked about. And what I see is the attempt to shut down opposing views, even when the opposing views are from women who have escaped abuse.

I don’t think people are taking out their frustrations on people though? I don’t usually comment when i’m frustrated but surely when people are coming here for advice, they’re going to get a broad range, some of which will be “put your children first and get out now”

This set of banal clichés is I think one of the most offensive things I have read on here for a while.

You actually think that you "understand the urgency of leaving" better than a woman who is raprd, beaten and verbally degraded every day of her life?

That she doesn't leave because she is just too stupid (not like you, you are super-smart with your "healthy boundaries") but if you, in your infinite wisdom, patronise and insult her about it, maybe she'll get ir?

It doesn't occur to you that maybe women are quite fullt aware, thank you very much, that their lives and their children's lives wpild be infinitely better if they left, BUT THEY CAN'T.

If your abuser will kill you, your family, your kids, if you leave - or if you believe he will, then you are trapped, and no amount of patronising shit from women like you will change that fact.

You'll just make the survivors feel worse. But saying all.this shit makes you feel superior to others women, hey? So that's very much the main thing.....

Well said .

Well said

@BeBlueSeal thank you for this thread. What i have noticed recently is the number of OPs who don't return to a thread after 2/3 posts having had the courage to write it all down in the first place. There have also been an increasing number of threads withdrawn where OP has received great support but also had a lot of questionable comments (ones I have been following).
No doubt some will claim that many are made up as I have seen claimed here recently. Maybe some of it is. If so, back away from the thread and don't reply. I often think we don't know who else is reading that may get help from the genuine replies or worse may be prevented from asking for support for themselves.
Moderation is almost non existent which is part of the problem.

Its actually reminded me to challenge idiotic posters like those above, much more

And its not just about DV and DA although thats the most horrible time they do it, but it is also about lazy husbands or nasty partners or poor fathers. Women dont need to be verbally beaten up becuase they chose someone who lets them down, they need clear strategies of management of that or support if they dont want to leave them and then ideas about how to leave if they want to.

They're talked to like they're rubbish, there is no building up or validation or support in those messages

I find it quite telling that I posted about my experience as a child and my feelings towards both of my parents and whist one person did acknowledge my traumatic childhood and the negative consequences my Mothers decisions had on me, no one else acknowledged it, which is fine but it almost feels like I shouldn’t post incase it offends someone.

I don’t go looking for threads I simply refresh my page and see what’s new and considering this was in Chat, then the views people will hold are fair game imo. There is no reason for people to be purposely hurtful with the intention of causing harm and I’ve not seen anything of the sort on this particular thread.

I shared my personal situation as have others who were the women in that situation and one clearly stated she wished she had someone to say something to her but everyone kept silent. She’s allowed to feel that way too. It’s not a right or wrong answer and I appreciate not all situations are equal.

Generally our experience shape our opinions.

You've clearly demonstrated that you have no knowledge of experience of the complexities of DV - or for whatever reason, choose not to acknowledge them. I wonder why you come to Mumsnet, if not to feel superior.

To be fair - at least this ridiculous post has totally hit the nail on the head!

many many women - just do not understand.

Nahhh. From your perspective you might find it ridiculous, but @Dracolina has perfectly summed up my lived experience towards my mother. People can feel pitty for her (my mam) but I don’t after what we endured. She made her bed and we had to lay in it. Someone has to understand the consequences for the children who have zero choice in anything.

But you are talking about a very specific single persons life and experience. This is about many many women experiencing many different types of DV. Also I don’t think any of us want pity. But if I hadn’t got out and my children thought I’d “made my bed” - I don’t know how to word my response to that.

Also - I feel I’m getting a bit personally invested in this

but I did understand the consequences for my children. I also understood the potential consequences for them if we tried to leave.

Yes but there are children up and down the county who have are suffering the after affects and living with having abusive fathers and the negative consequences it has on them but there doesn’t seem to be any thought for them, it’s seems all about the mothers and their feelings.

I really can’t agree that there’s no thought for the children.
But we are talking to and supporting MOTHERS. No child is going to be saved by someone on the internet saying “ why did you have 3 kids with this man”.

To add, I know not all situations are the same and some are of course more dangerous and worse than others objectively but then it stands to reason that some will stay for easiness and I do t think there is anything wrong with saying that because that’s what my Mam done but got pissed as she didn’t want to stay and by her not even attempting to get out with us makes my blood boil. Her way of dealing with it was to drink whisk made it worse for us. You obviously did get out so it’s not the same and you can look at your kids and explain that you did try etc… that’s the difference here mine didn’t. I assume you weren’t an alcoholic either? Which made it worse for us.

I also wonder why she had a child with a man who hit her first child. The last thing I would do would be to have a baby with him and I can’t get my head around the fact she then she had a third. She made crap choices often and whilst I used to blame him, it’s only after I baca mane a mother myself I thought about her situation and the selfishness behind it. That’s what makes me mad, though I don’t think every mother was the same as my mam.