Domestic abuse and victim blaming on MN?

[BeBlueSeal]

After I feel like hijacking many vulnerable women’s threads, thought it’d be interesting to start a conversation about this in its own right.

I love Mumsnet. I’ve used it and read it since I became a Mum 20 years ago. I love how it’s a female focused environment with smart clever women. Three babies in it’s still very much my go-to, googling any baby related issue. I’ll put “Mumsnet” on the end of my search because I value the input of “mumsnetters”!

I am genuinely disturbed by how many domestic violence related threads I see on here with victim blaming language constantly thrown around.

Why don’t you tell him to fuck Off?
i wouldn’t stand for this
i I would have done X, I would have done Y.
staying for the children ha ha ha ha are you serious?
you need to be stronger.
Are you a doormat?
Why did you have children with this man? Why did you have another child with this man?
How can you put your kids through this? I wouldn’t stand for this.
You’re not five years old.

Is there a fundamental misunderstanding here as to what domestic abuse actually is among swathes of women who have never experienced it?

why are so many people on this site unable to grasp that they do not understand or know what it’s like to be in this position ?

when I was in refuge with my babies, I met so many wonderful women. Intelligent, vibrant, wonderful women. Why does the cliche still exist on this site that DV victims need to “wake up”, tell their abusers to “fuck off” and “stop having kids”?

I think the lack of value for the mother that you mention is part of the problem @Yellowhollyhocks

There's a kind of sense that the children have to be put first at all costs, the mother has no value in herself .... which is exactly the message an abuser sends too. That the woman is worthless.

A better balance where the mother is valued for her own sake as well as the children being valued for theirs would be much more constructive. It would also teach children that mothers are a person in their own right, which would help the next generation of girls growing up. Boys too.

On the other hand I see why people do concentrate on the children, since mother's will sometimes act on the childrens' behalf when they wont act on their own. But agreed, this tips over into a kind of erasure of the mother as her own person.

Mothers are adults, who have options and choices however bleak they may be. Children are fully at the mercy of the adults caring for them. Yes, adults must put children first. If they cannot do that because of the circumstances they are in themselves, they need to enlist help and care for the children.

Yea, but the options and choices you mention might not be as clear in the mind of an abused woman as they are in your mind while you look on judging.

Such a harsh tone isn't helpful, whatever your motivations or intentions.

I wonder as someone who doesn’t live in the UK if as the majority of posters are British is there just a very poor understanding of domestic abuse. Often abusers target potential victims that are vulnerable or they make them vulnerable by alienating them from family and friends. Telling an abuser to fuck off or “stand up for yourself” is terribly dangerous advice. There are so many posts on MN where a woman is experiencing financial control and people post that she is a freeloader that is ungrateful. It is horrible to see the viciousness of some replies on posts about domestic abuse.

Also the comments about having children to these men. They lie and pretend at the start. The most common time for abuse to ramp up is when a woman is pregnant or has had a child.There is also sexual assault and sabotage of birth control.

My mum and I went through this in the 70s the only help was a mental hospital and I'd go with her to reside.
My mum stayed violence was inflicted on both of us .I think was 7when it got really bad.

That's why I say please don't stay for the sake of the kids as it leaves its mark.
I've reconciled with it now after 50years.

Leaving though is not straight forward for many though.

And what if the OP asks what she should do? That happens a lot.

MNHQ should move such posts to Relationships if they pop up on AIBU.

Having been the child in the abusive home, it is extremely difficult to read posts by mothers who don’t leave. There is often rationalizing to justify the decision. Often they claim the children don’t even realize abuse is happening inside the home.

They need to know the truth. The children are growing up with multiple forms of damage. We can be kind and choose our words carefully, but coddling a mother in an abusive relationship won’t save her children.

I'm very much a 'kindly' 'xxx' poster

Others are very no nonsense and direct, and i imagine them to be irl

Irl - lots of women are like this, believe me

As long as it isnt malicious, help is help

I understand why the OP started this thread and I agree that is awful to ‘vitimin blame’ people who have been abused, however, I don’t think it’s always helpful to pretend that there is nothing the victim could do to help mitigate or prevent the abuse. Treating every victim as though they are completely powerless is surely going to make things worse. Telling victims that there may be things they could do to improve things can be more helpful and empowering. It’s ok to acknowledge that you haven’t always made good decisions and you haven’t always done the right thing should be seen as ok. It doesn’t mean you are deserving of being abused.
A lot of the problem is in the delivery. I see victim blaming as abrupt and unkind but often the same information can be delivered in a kind and constructive way that actually empowers the abuse victim.

It's not treating victims as if they are powerless.
These women are already beat down with incredibly low self esteem. So it is bullying. If women are posting here you tell them where they get help to leave, and what kind of help is available. And that they can leave. If you don't know those answers, don't reply.

I think Mumsnet has been an unsafe site for abused women for years, but the mods don't seem to care. Too often women being financially abused and or coercevily controlled, for example are told that they are not being. Please don't pretend being told you are not being abused is straight talking advice. It is gaslighting.

Why do you assume I am unaware of this fact?

In a case where the mother and children are both being abused do you think it's best to stay so that the father doesn't get sole access?

I think each situation is unique, but there would be very few cases where it would be better to stay.

It is not a solace for a child to see a mother enabling the abuse by staying with an abusive father. In fact it often leads to the breakdown of mother/ child relationships in later life.

I do understand op - however we are all as individual as the replies on a thread. So a thread will get lots of different responses if different styles. The op will read them and some will resonate and some won’t. Some will be upsetting too. In the process of change a seed needs to be planted and then grown and lots of things cause this seed to take root and grow.

for me mumsnet had been wonderful over the last 5 years and helped me leave an abusive relationship . I actually found the harsh comments quite helpful. Having been brought up to have no boundaries and self love it was a massive eye opener to see how other women think and I was amazed at how they could centre themselves , their safety and that of their children. Over the years I learned from them. (I think I respond to a bit of tough love). I told myself a lot of lies that I had learned in childhood. Harsher posters really helped me challenge those lies.

mumsnet is wonderful and so is the variety of posts that people get.

obviously I am not talking about posters who are cruel or dicks here .

Yes, that last bit is so true.

With compassion and intelligence.

I don’t understand what you mean about treating victims as if they’re powerless - we’re talking about treating people with empathy and that includes supporting them to take back their power.

I think 20 years ago it was different. Women still considered themselves physically emotionally and most importantly financially dependent on a man which meant there were more barriers to leaving abusive relationships. In 2026 there really is no excuse to be so dependent on another person so at what point does staying become a choice rather than a necessity. I’d imagine most abuse is perpetrated adult to adult rather than on children as well. So the abuser is perfectly capable of being a decent parent so therefore “staying for the kids” becomes a moot point. And in fact the “staying for the kids” is abusive in itself - to raise children in such an environment is abusive. And I think perhaps that frustrates readers on MN who see the pattern of abusive relationships repeating themselves

I think there are 2 types of mumsnetters - and both well meaning. You have the ones who have similar experiences and understand how hard it is to leave and why. Understand how the women sees the situation and herself. The other ones haven't experienced it and it makes no sense to them. I was one of them before I experienced domestic abuse.
I'd not have put up with it.
I'd have left at the first signs.
Scrap that, I could tell an abusive man a mile off and I'd never be in that situation, because I'm intelligent and know my worth.
So I don't think it's malicious. I completely get why it's impossible to understand abused women (especially with children) staying. It's a very complex matter and I do genuinely believe women aren't trying to victim blame - it's so complicated and misunderstood.

There used to be a lot of posts that would just state ‘Leave. Now’ or ’Police. Now’. Which show a fundamental lack of understanding of how abuse works. Luckily they seem to have stopped now, but I agree that there is a fair amount of victim blaming. I think a lot of people don’t understand that leaving an abusive man is the most dangerous time for a woman, so she needs the most support.

Generally if I read one of those threads I suggest contacting the local IDVA service if safe to do so (not call women’s aid, as they are not the service provider in lots of areas, so this can be confusing ).

There is some research around help seeking which shows that a lot of women try informal networks before speaking to a service, but if they receive a negative response they may give up for awhile because they feel unsupported. Definitely worth bearing in mind.

Some people think being abused must be the fault of the victim because they themselves have never been in that situation or because they left the first time he hit or shouted or whatever. But they don't realise that abuse doesn't start obvious and at the start of the relationship. It creeps in and it always has an explanation and a reason and it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't done what you did. And then eventually you're so deep in it you don't even know what normal is.

I used to say things like that then my "perfect" husband started threatening to kill me and I realised what he'd done to me.

Absolutely agree with you, OP.
I read yesterday “your first mistake was to have children with this prince among men”. The moral superiority implied in this statement is sickening. These keyboard warrior’s strong opinions demonstrate nothing more than a spectacular lack of both emotional intelligence and any understanding of the practical impact of leaving a relationship.

Lack of empathy and sympathy, lack of emotional intelligence. They may have a desire to make themselves appear better than those who are struggling instead of helping them.

The concerning thing about this is the danger their advise could put vulnerable women in.

@KippyMcKippy excellent post.