Anyone else volunteering / doing a ‘good thing’/ helping a charity and hating every minute? Feel so obligated!!

[ItsABatFaceThing]

I feel so obligated because I AM obligated. There’s no getting out of this one

I volunteer with Age UK and am a telephone friend to an elderly lady. We speak for half an hour on the phone once a week - this is a set day and a set time and cannot be shifted because older people (as a rule) like to know what is happening and when!

So I have spoken to my telephone friend now every week for nearly 3 years. I call her every Tuesday at 12pm

The problem is that what worked for me 3 years ago, is so so tricky now. I have a new-ish job. It is so incredibly difficult for me to come away from my desk at 12pm on a Tuesday sometimes. And attempting to change the day would make zero difference … my job is such that no time is particularly good to make this phone call. I’m just … busy. Can’t even time it with lunch as we don’t take lunch at 12

But anyway… it just feels like such a slog now. And I feel really guilty for feeling this way. She tells me after every call how much she values talking to me and how brilliant I am - and I just wish I felt something more than I’m doing it because I feel obliged to

I won’t stop talking to her btw. I am there as close to 12 each week and have never missed a week - despite being away on holiday or unwell… I’ll always make the call.

I probably just wanted a self indulgent moan because I was 1 minute calling today and the first thing she said was ‘ you are a bit late!!’ 😂

But it got me thinking ..: do you volunteer for something and do it because you feel you have to?

Can’t you just move it to the evening?

My DP volunteers in a couple different situations and for the most part he loves it, but every now and then it can feel like a bit of a slog. I think that must be fairly common.

@malefields alas no. She chose the time and day to suit her best and she would absolutely not consider anything towards the evening! She is 88 and of course very set in her ways - and fair play to her

maybe it is a thing? Volunteering fatigue!

Why are you making hour long personal calls while working?

Can't you just tell her that work will not allow personal calls during the day? Say you enjoy your chats too (even if you don't) but you will need to reschedule for 8pm or a weekend morning in future.

Just tell her you need to call at 6pm or whetever ?!

Yes. But I plan to stop soon. I wasn't going to stop this volunteering role until I had found something else to replace it, but I may just go ahead and stop first. I've given myself permission. It is allowed! Most of the people I know don't volunteer regularly and I don't think they are bad people, so I don't know why I hold myself to a different standard. I work full time too, I might feel differently if I didnt.

Then she no longer gets a call if she isn't willing to change the time.

Makenit clear you can no longer call at 12 on a Tuesday and you would like to find a suitable replacement time. If she declines then that is on her. Not you.

I think you need to change the timing, even if it means they have to switch you to a different client and another volunteer takes over yours.
You’re putting yourself through unnecessary stress by trying to continue an arrangement that no longer works for you.

Yes! It only takes up about eight hours of my time a month, is on an ad hoc basis and I always get a say in what eight hours it should be and yet, whenever it comes around, it’s somehow really inconvenient. They’re always very grateful but it does seem to loom
over me more than it should.

This must happen all the time. Do you have a contact person at Age UK who can support you and find someone else to take over the call?

@Wishimaywishimight I’m not making hour long personal calls when I’m working. It isn’t an hour and run my own working day to a certain extent

I don't think you are obligated.Presumably you were told when you started that you needed to commit for a certain period of time, but surely you have done that by now?

I volunteered in a privately owned Cancer Charity shop. Managed 6 months then left as I was sick of being treated as a skivvy by the “paid” manager. She treated me like I was an idiot with no brain cells…little did she know!

It’s definitely more of a moan from me - I’m not asking for a solution. I do this for her and because it means such a lot to her

You’ve done a lovely thing for 3 years, but I can read the stress in your post, I think you have two choices, move the time or stop the calls and make sure someone else picks up where you left off. But you can’t keep doing that call at 12pm it’s not fair on you.

@pinkspeakers oh I can stop any time I fancy

but also I can’t… this is a lifeline to her and I just … couldn’t l. It just feels like such a pain

That's crazy, she's not your responsibility. To tell her the time doesn't work for anymore is more than reasonable. If she really appreciates you and values your time then there's no reason she can't be flexible. If she can't they can match her with someone else. Surely she'd be getting a better input from you if you aren't feeling rushed and stressed. This is silly and easily rectified.

@OranginacanonlybedrunkinFrance yeah I recognise that looming feeling - and it’s only bloody half an hour!

I think you just need to honest with her. Tell her you enjoy chatting and would like to carry on but, if she can't adjust to your new timings you won't be able to as you are now at work then. It's on her then if it ceases as you will have done your best.

Its time to leave then isn’t it. Chat to the charity and then chat to your lady and say that in 6 weeks you’ll have to stop because your work has changed and you won’t be available. Let the charity find her someone new to talk to.

I love my volunteering because I can change last minute and not go, I can miss 2 months and return, it’s so flexible.

You absolutely should say you have to move the time to say 5pm. If you do you’ll feel so much better and your chat will be better too and she’ll benefit from you not dreading it (no matter how well you’re hiding that feeling).
I have had to give up or rearrange things at my dc school or guides and omg it’s such a relief!!!

So tell her that time no longer works for you, and that if she wants to keep talking, the time will have to change. Her being set on that time isn't your issue. If you're going to keep doing it, she'd going to have to adapt to your needs too.

Newly retired I signed up for volunteering for a local charity in a service I have great interest and experience in. Think historic house type thing. Their GDPR was appalling - I told the two paid staff that the person training me (another volunteer) was sharing personal information on a database to visitors - swivel the screen of names of members on and asking them to pick out their (the visitors) name ("not on that page, lets go to the next page"!). Paid staff said they'd sort (I didn't want to be the new trouble maker to the person training me). Saw it happen again a week later with another volunteer sharing information. Saw the person running the charity do the same bloody thing! Spoke again to the two paid staff citing GDPR 2018, which I had had extensive training on in my profession - the majority of the volunteers were retired before the whole GDPR so wouldn't be aware. Was told they'd sort it - caught the eye rolls between them. I brought it up in a whole team meeting and was talked over. I brought it up on the volunteer Whatsapp and was ignored.

Waiting for the poo to hit the fan, I've stepped well away! Volunteer at our community library now which is lovely.

I totally get it, OP. And why you don’t feel able to avail yourself of the ‘solutions’ suggested here! You’re doing a lovely thing 😊😊😊

Oh OP, please just let yourself off the hook for this one.

I've done loads of volunteering over the years. Some I've enjoyed. Some not so much. Commitment is always important.

But three years in, and you have done your time. Really, you have. You can't be expected to continue indefinitely if the arrangement no longer works for you.

I understand the guilt. I'm sure that you've been a lifeline for this elderly lady. But I'm sure that she wouldn't want to be a burden either. The charity will need to find another volunteer to take over your shift. This is not your responsibility.

Im a charity trustee and have spent the morning doing financial stuff, reviewing grant applications and budgets. For zero pay, and zero recognition. Its an environment charity which is rightly focuses on the core misson, but Id like recognition for keeping the lights on!