Anyone else volunteering / doing a ‘good thing’/ helping a charity and hating every minute? Feel so obligated!!

[ItsABatFaceThing]

I feel so obligated because I AM obligated. There’s no getting out of this one

I volunteer with Age UK and am a telephone friend to an elderly lady. We speak for half an hour on the phone once a week - this is a set day and a set time and cannot be shifted because older people (as a rule) like to know what is happening and when!

So I have spoken to my telephone friend now every week for nearly 3 years. I call her every Tuesday at 12pm

The problem is that what worked for me 3 years ago, is so so tricky now. I have a new-ish job. It is so incredibly difficult for me to come away from my desk at 12pm on a Tuesday sometimes. And attempting to change the day would make zero difference … my job is such that no time is particularly good to make this phone call. I’m just … busy. Can’t even time it with lunch as we don’t take lunch at 12

But anyway… it just feels like such a slog now. And I feel really guilty for feeling this way. She tells me after every call how much she values talking to me and how brilliant I am - and I just wish I felt something more than I’m doing it because I feel obliged to

I won’t stop talking to her btw. I am there as close to 12 each week and have never missed a week - despite being away on holiday or unwell… I’ll always make the call.

I probably just wanted a self indulgent moan because I was 1 minute calling today and the first thing she said was ‘ you are a bit late!!’ 😂

But it got me thinking ..: do you volunteer for something and do it because you feel you have to?

I think volunteer fatigue be definitely real op 💐
I has just cut right back on my community centre volunteering (especially the late nights!) it did disappoint peoples/the trustees but I been doing it years now and I just no has the energy no more
i think you need to do what be best for you x

I think you need to change this. Either move to a weekend or an evening or anything. Give her some warning and then change it. Or just step back!

I got involved in the school pta when my daughter joined and now I am very, very over it. Only two more years until my son leaves and I will happily be done with that. Yes I know I could leave earlier but I’ve committed so much to this and I don’t want to leave just yet. I have stepped back a lot though!

You sound lovely but you’re allowed a break too, and you’re just as important as she is.
Would it be possible to tell her you’re going on holiday abroad for 2 weeks and you’ll phone her when you’re back ? Just to give yourself a break, it can get very tiresome talking to people week in week out.

Surely the organisation you volunteer with understands that volunteers have other commitments like paid work and volunteering needs to fit around that? Even if that means another volunteer taking on the 12pm call if required, as another poster suggested.

I also have a volunteer role that I’m sick of. I can only volunteer at weekends due to my work commitments but when I’m there it feels like I’ve lost half the weekend and am effectively working six days a week. The volunteers coordinator sends so many bloody update emails for every little thing, it feels like I hear from her more than colleagues in my actual job sometimes. I only continue because I get a specific benefit in exchange that’s really valuable for me and saves me a lot of money.

Could you do it on a weekend and read a book/ watch tv whilst you chat
Are ypu sure she only has you and not other phone callers too

Your circumstances have changed.
You have done 3 years and made a difference, which is fantastic and you should be proud of yourself, but you can't undertake this particular role any more.
That's OK.
Just give Age UK notice that they need to find a replacement volunteer.
Better than becoming resentful about the needs of your client.

Half Mn can't cope with lateness or changing arrangements so it isn't just 'the elderly'

I think it's OK to do it, slightly resent it, but still feel it is a useful thing to do.

But - you also (and I think you probably do this) need to recognise it is your choice and you could walk away.

Walking away would mean you were putting your needs and preferences before hers. That's not wrong, and it's how many, perhaps most, people live their daily lives.

I have been very careful about not making long term open ended volunteering commitments because I have seen family members get into a martyred state of resentment over volunteering. That means there are some things I'd quite like to do but don't because I don't want that level of commitment.

I'd always advise thinking through why and how you might want to leave before taking on any kind of unpaid role! There are always lots of important things needing doing and nobody is indispensable, however much we might feel we are.

Sounds like you have got into the PA mindset where you forget that it is YOU performing a service for HER. As for her inflexibility what would happen if you went on holiday, into hospital or there was a family emergency? This lady had made you the centre of her universe but she is not the centre of yours. I can understand how you got into this position. I once did with a neighbour. who came round to chat while I was "working at home". Eventually I told her an outright lie - that the university insisted on 100% office attendance. I'm afraid you are going to put your big girl pants on and tell her that this arrangement no longer works for you and you are going to have to change the time to what will work for both parties.

@ItsABatFaceThing

I visit someone who is housebound, probably about 4 years now. It started off just an hour on Fridays but now I go on Tuesday as well. We have become good friends.
But he understands that sometimes I have to change plans or miss a week because I'm on holiday.
I think you need to speak to her and explain its difficult and try and reach an agreement. Id also let Age Uk and ask them to help with reaching an agreement and explaining to her that she needs to change the time or start again with a new caller

I understand what you're saying and if I were you I'd getting pissed off with it too, but, I would probably dig in and carry on with it. It's only half an hour once a week and realistically if she's 88 it's probably not going to be for much longer. But I do sympathise.

@ItsABatFaceThing Does she actually know that you have a job or, as so many people of a certain vintage will assume, does she think that you are a housewife with all the time in the world on your hands?

Just because she’s 88 she shouldn’t really be able to hold you for ransom on this. It’s a minor change just moving it to a convenient date for you.

I would say 6 pm or whatever you can do. And if she doesn't want that ok. You aren't paid as a phone friend. You are paid for your job.

Yeah, I wouldn't be able to stop doing something like this for someone who was so reliant on me (partly why I wouldn't do it tbh!)

But, I really do think that it's fair and reasonable to ask her to switch to a different time. Maybe you could then combine it with something else and it won't feel so onerous? For instance, my husband has a regular phone call with an elderly relative while he's commuting. It means it doesn't eat into his downtime, so he feels less resentful about it and it somehow makes it less of an ordeal because he's doing something else at the same time 😆

I manage volunteers for a living. Many stay with us long-term and even plan their holidays around us! I think the key is openness - I acknowledge that they are giving their precious time for free and so "I'm off on holiday" or "I can't do next week" is met with a cheerful wave and a "See you soon!". In return (rarely) when we are under pressure people will willingly muck in / go above and beyond.

According to Google the average life expectancy for an 88 year old woman in the UK is 5.2-5.8 years.

But you are a person, not just a facility. Explain to her that you have changed jobs and it's no longer possible to call at that time. Offer her a couple of alternatives that work for you or offer to ask the organisation to put her in touch with a new friend, if she'd prefer to stick to her routine.

Alternatively, explain to work and ask if they will sanction this time so you don't feel guilty trying to fit it in. Some organisations like to be seen to support volunteering.

I'm struggling to balance a charity volunteer role with FT work these days. I cut back when I went FT - but this year it has increased and the commitment is a bit unpredictable depending on circumstances. I'm really thinking how to keep it within bounds but it's going to be more than I planned that's for sure. So easily happens - a small yes turns into a bigger one. I think the relentless regularity of the commitment is probably wearing on you - I find both patterns are challenging in their own ways - routine vs unpredictable.

If she's 88, she'll be able to easily change the day and time.... she can't exactly be busy!!
In answer to your original question..... No... I absolutely flatly refuse to do anything I don't want to... I've been asked to do volunteer work in the past and it's been met with a very hard no !! If I was to agree to something I'd make sure I stipulated it would only be for as long as I wanted, and reserve the right to stop at any time.

Yes it is a thing, if you are getting nothing out of your volunteering, which sounds like you are not you can stop go to your coordinator and say your new job /lifestyle doesn't suit/isn't possible to continue, they can liase with your lady to help to find a new volunteer.

I stopped doing my volunteering 5 years ago because the whole system seemed to change and I didn't get on with a new co ordinator so I just set a stop date, I was with a children's charity and stopped over the summer break.

This, i appreciate older people like their routines but she will understand if you change times.

I agree. DH took on a role as school governor. At one point he was doing about 20 hours a week for them. Thankless tasks. I was so glad when he gave it up.

I understand this. You definitely can end it though. Just do it in stages. Plant seeds now.

Begin by telling her what got you in to volunteering for Age UK. Just a gentle reminder why you two are talking in the first place. Next call: build on that information. Tell her you're so enjoying meeting new people and volunteering (mention that word specifically) and that you will be looking at what else you can do in future.

Next call: ask her who else she speaks to and what her support network looks like because you won't be here forever (ambiguous meaning) and you care about what happens to her.

Next call: I have been looking at volunteering with XYZ. I'd be sad though because I wouldn't have time to call you anymore due to work and other commitments. Either same call or next call, when is most appropriate: a tiny bit of emotional blackmail/manipulation (if she doesn't / won't take the hint or objects in any way): I didn't want to burden you with this but I have actually been struggling with our conversations. I can find them triggering because of XYZ (make sure the reason isn't something she can 'fix' so don't mention time of day or frequency of conversations).

Finally, let her know that in X weeks or months, your schedule will change due to picking up XYZ and you won't be supporting with Age UK or calling her outside of this - for professional reasons but also, for the break you already mentioned needing from all the triggers 😆.

Just be firm at this stage. You will have planted so many seeds by this point that the news will be expected and you will have given her so much time to put a new support network in place.

Also: and I mean this nicely - she will just replace you with someone else from Age UK tomorrow 😬 - she won't miss you. Maybe at first but eventually, she won't. She doesn't even know you. You haven't integrated into each other's lives so may as well just be chatting with AI. Which you could also suggest so that she need never worry about a minute of lateness again 😐.

Good luck OP!

In my experience, volunteer fatigue is definitely a thing. I used to have a similar arrangement through Alzheimer's Society and needed to stop phoning one lady due to other commitments. They contacted her for me and explained. Do you have an Age UK supervisor? They should be able to sort things and might be able to set you up with someone else at a time which suits you both.
One of the things that my supervisor said is that the volunteer should feel comfortable with things, as well as the person being supported.