Anyone else volunteering / doing a ‘good thing’/ helping a charity and hating every minute? Feel so obligated!!

[ItsABatFaceThing]

I feel so obligated because I AM obligated. There’s no getting out of this one

I volunteer with Age UK and am a telephone friend to an elderly lady. We speak for half an hour on the phone once a week - this is a set day and a set time and cannot be shifted because older people (as a rule) like to know what is happening and when!

So I have spoken to my telephone friend now every week for nearly 3 years. I call her every Tuesday at 12pm

The problem is that what worked for me 3 years ago, is so so tricky now. I have a new-ish job. It is so incredibly difficult for me to come away from my desk at 12pm on a Tuesday sometimes. And attempting to change the day would make zero difference … my job is such that no time is particularly good to make this phone call. I’m just … busy. Can’t even time it with lunch as we don’t take lunch at 12

But anyway… it just feels like such a slog now. And I feel really guilty for feeling this way. She tells me after every call how much she values talking to me and how brilliant I am - and I just wish I felt something more than I’m doing it because I feel obliged to

I won’t stop talking to her btw. I am there as close to 12 each week and have never missed a week - despite being away on holiday or unwell… I’ll always make the call.

I probably just wanted a self indulgent moan because I was 1 minute calling today and the first thing she said was ‘ you are a bit late!!’ 😂

But it got me thinking ..: do you volunteer for something and do it because you feel you have to?

Honestly and in the nicest possible way, i suspect that you may be overthinking this-ime people cope surprisingly well when they have to change carers/volunteers etc, as long as the actual service is left in place. As a home carer/the dc of parents who needed home care i would say that most people are generally pretty interchangeable and forgettable.
I’m sure your old lady has appreciated your companionship over the last few years, but with the backing and support of the charity it should be perfectly easy to stop or change what you are prepared to do without upsetting her unduly.

When I take on something new I have a rule. I take it on and give it my all for two years (don’t get me wrong if I hated it or needed to it would stop before then) then I reevaluate.

Life changes and sometimes we need to makes changes. I don’t ever apologise for backing out after two years.

That said I’m doing one thing I volunteered for that has extended to a third year and it is in work so I have to do it.

I am literally counting down the days in 3 months when it is finally over. It has become a complete nightmare.

Well done, OP, for volunteering to do something that makes a difference to someone's life and for sticking with it, despite it being tedious for you. I have volunteered for various charities all of my life and committed large amounts of time and energy to them, even when working full time. Now in my 70s, I am planning to give up my two biggest commitments next year. One of them, a charity that is mired in scandal and difficulties, is really dragging me down, but I feel that I cannot give up until I have seen it back on an even keel. It will happen quite soon, but not without a lot of work on my part. I'm not religious, but I do feel that an important part of our lives should be giving back to society and helping those less fortunate than ourselves whenever we can. I will still do a little bit of charity work in future, but I must admit I'm looking forward to a retirement that means fewer commitments.

You sound amazing and I completely agree with you. Giving back is extremely good for mental well being as well and really helps with a solid sense of purpose.

OP, you will be a far more valuable companion if it’s not stressful and impacting you negatively.

The trick is to give loads and loads of warning about a change. Then very gradually introduce it-

‘Ah, this is week 5 of it being at 12pm and then by X date remember we will be moving our weekly chat to X time so I am more present and available due to my pesky job’!

Your lovely lady needs gentle help to transition but it isn’t impossible.

You absolutely can change the time OP.

You are lovely OP

I signed up for telephone befriending with Age UK a couple of years ago. I wanted the calls to be on a specific day as I work but the day and time ended up being changed to something that didn’t really suit me.

Unfortunately, I didn’t really gel with the lady I was talking to either so eventually started to dread the calls, which didn’t feel comfortable even after a few months. (I’d hoped it would get easier.)

In the end, I stopped doing it. I could have asked to try someone else but couldn’t actually face the same thing happening.

OP, you could always ask Age UK to find someone else to phone her.

Reading comprehension on this site, man.

OP said the call was 30 mins long once a week.

I totally get your volunteer fatigue OP! I also do some voluntary work, linked to families in need. It's wonderful and rewarding but also annoying at times especially when the service is abused by families who are not actually 'in need'. It's a tricky one but I have to remind myself of those who really value what I do and the difference it can make. I was going to stop this year but feel I can't - similar to you I guess!

Also worth saying my late DF relied on a volunteer run service for a good few years before he became too unwell to attend and then sadly died. I'm sure that was a pain for the volunteers at times but it brought him so much joy.

So thank you OP for continuing to support this lady, the elderly are so unseen at times and anything that can enrich their often solitary and lonely lives is just wonderful. You are right though - getting old is definitely not for the faint of heart!

Mm. I bet the family appreciate you… but I’m afraid it does tend to confirm what I sneakily think… that the ‘loneliness epidemic’ is not quite what we are told about.

Objectively this is someone who has family seeing her most days, and who likes to define other people’s love language for her as ‘acts of service’. I wonder if she tells her family that she doesn’t need the calls really but that speaking to her brightens your day…

I have been in a volunteering role for 7 years - I absolutely love it and don't find it a slog at all.

I think the key is to choose something that relates to your interests - mine is in a theatre

@PermanentTemporary
I'm not sure you understand what loneliness really is.
I live alone, apart from when my son is home from uni. I very rarely feel lonely. The loneliest I have ever felt was on 13 Feb this year when a doctor told me I had incurable cancer. In that moment I was completely alone, despite my best friend being there holding my hand.
My mum is 82, housebound and in decline. Her main carer is my step dad, she has a carer, a cleaner, family popping in and out, good neighbours.
But her friends are all dead, she can't get out the way she used to. She was always very active in her church and community- she is isolated, has lost her sense of purpose and
anchors in life. So she is lonely.
My nan was very similar, family were there every day, but winter evenings are long and she was an incredibly lonely old lady.
Loneliness is quite complex and can be little to do with the actual presence of people in your life.

My uncle used to do this and the one time he forgot, the bloke died. He still feels guilty now!! Ah OP itnis such a tricky one because she looks forward to it but needs to understand you have other commitments

It's very poor practice to match this client with just one volunteer and at a fixed time. It creates dependency, which can be catastrophic not just for the volunteer but also for the client - how would they cope if the volunteer fell under the proverbial bus? Speak to your manager, OP, and agree some flexibility around times "I will usually call on a Tuesday or Wednesday, sometime between 3pm and 6pm". Or whatever. Also investigate whether this client can also be matched up with another volunteer, so that all her eggs aren't in one basket, as it were.