Anyone else volunteering / doing a ‘good thing’/ helping a charity and hating every minute? Feel so obligated!!

[ItsABatFaceThing]

I feel so obligated because I AM obligated. There’s no getting out of this one

I volunteer with Age UK and am a telephone friend to an elderly lady. We speak for half an hour on the phone once a week - this is a set day and a set time and cannot be shifted because older people (as a rule) like to know what is happening and when!

So I have spoken to my telephone friend now every week for nearly 3 years. I call her every Tuesday at 12pm

The problem is that what worked for me 3 years ago, is so so tricky now. I have a new-ish job. It is so incredibly difficult for me to come away from my desk at 12pm on a Tuesday sometimes. And attempting to change the day would make zero difference … my job is such that no time is particularly good to make this phone call. I’m just … busy. Can’t even time it with lunch as we don’t take lunch at 12

But anyway… it just feels like such a slog now. And I feel really guilty for feeling this way. She tells me after every call how much she values talking to me and how brilliant I am - and I just wish I felt something more than I’m doing it because I feel obliged to

I won’t stop talking to her btw. I am there as close to 12 each week and have never missed a week - despite being away on holiday or unwell… I’ll always make the call.

I probably just wanted a self indulgent moan because I was 1 minute calling today and the first thing she said was ‘ you are a bit late!!’ 😂

But it got me thinking ..: do you volunteer for something and do it because you feel you have to?

Firstly. Well done you for keeping it up for 3 years. That's amazing.
The thing with voluntary work is that what works for you at one stage of your life might not work for you now.
It shouldn't feel like a slog. Can you speak to Age Concern and explain.
Be adamant though that you will not quit until they have found a replacement for your lady.

Btw I have had a few voluntary jobs over the years and they should be enjoyable - not s millstone round your neck

X

I volunteer for an anxiety charity and I’m feeling like that now. It’s been hard from the start because the training really wasn’t that good at all! If I hadn’t done a counselling course, I would have been really stuck. was on the helpline to begin with and we got a lot of people calling with problems we weren’t trained to support with: PTSD, Valium withdrawals. They were beyond our help but were getting let down left right and centre by the system. I am doing mentoring for them now and that’s not always easy because we are supposed to cover all stuff that they can already access on the website, so if they do that it’s not always easy to know where to go with it.

You should not feel guilty that your circumstances have changed. Life happens. Just contact whoever looks after you at Age Concern and explain you can no longer provide help in this way. Tell them you will have to stop on X date and that they need to find a replacement. You will have to have that difficult final call but you’ll just have to be up front. ‘Carol, I need to tell you this will be out last call. My work circumstances have changed and I will no longer have this time available to chat to you. I’ve enjoyed getting to know you over the years, but I’m sure Age Concern have lined you with a great replacement.’

etc.

After all, you have been doing this for a good chunk of time. You should feel proud for having volunteered in this way. Now it’s someone else’s turn

I guess if you don't get a break you will be drained, but you are doing a good thing.

OP, you’ve been given lots of ideas for how to solve this. But I get that you are committed and won’t be stopping the calls. You are entitled to feel fatigued and to let off steam on an anonymous forum.

I hope you get back to feeling valued for what you do - I’m sure the lady and her family are extremely appreciative of the time and caring you give every week. You make a difference to the life of someone who possibly doesn’t get much interaction with people outside of a small circle.

I promise you that if you ever decide to pause or end the commitment, your manager at Age UK will be 100% understanding and will wish you well.

I work in the charity sector and used to work for Age UK. Volunteers are the lifeblood of charities and society.

to be clear, she isn’t dependant on me to live! I give her some much needed companionship which she lives for - and that in itself is very sad

Yes - that's the part I find depressing and dread. Not a pop at you personally, OP, but the thought of being dependent for companionship on someone who sees me as a tiresome obligation but plods on.

For the record, I do no voluntary work of any kind.

I think if it hadn’t been for lockdown I’d likely still be running a playscheme for people who expected higher standards from our volunteer one than the £200 a week private one.

The last playscheme we ran I actually got 10 complaints, including one in the middle of Asda, that we’d had to put the price up to £10 a week. Two parents also used our Ofsted inspection (we were all volunteers but everything was done properly and professionally) to raise their annoyance that we only ran to 3pm.

I had the whole of lockdown to think about that and stew on it. Then when schools went back I got a deluge of messages about our after school club, but the council still weren’t allowing us (or anyone) to access the rooms in the school we normally used as they wanted them on hand in case they needed to spread kids out again. The abuse I got made three of us decide we’d had enough.

None of the vocal critics wanted to take it over. Now the £200 a week local childcare have set up in our old space. And their Ofsted isn’t as good as ours.

I’ll never be a regular volunteer for anything ever again. One off things only.

I also do the AgeUK telephone friendship calls and have done for just over 4 years. I’m a 5pm on a Sunday call time though which is slightly more convenient and my telephone friend is quite relaxed about me skipping a Sunday the rare times I’ve had a wedding/christening, or if I’ve been on holiday. There’s been plenty of sunday roasts with friends I’ve had to rush home from though.

Like you there are some weeks I just cannot be bothered or I know I’ve had a quiet week so before I’ve even dialled I’m overthinking what the conversation topics could be this week. Also like you (or like your telephone friend I should say) my telephone friend regularly tells me how much the calls mean to her and I do think being lonely in old age would be my worst nightmare, so I try to put my moment of volunteering fatigue in perspective! All this to say you’re not being unreasonable, but also good on you for carrying on - I know the commitment it is but I also know how much it means!

I've volunteered in the past when I had more time but I wouldn't do it again. You never get much out of it in the end and it takes away your free time to do things for yourself. I have lots more time to myself from next week as my youngest will be starting school and there's no way I'm giving up my hard-earned spare time for the benefit of anyone else.

Compasion fatigue is a thing.

But also you could tell her, works means you cant do 12 but could do 6pm or if that doesnt suit help her find anew volunteer

Volunteering is hard. The last time I took on something major, I said from the start I was doing 3 years, reminded people regularly and stopped at 3 years. It was bliss to be finished with it. I’ll never take on an open ended commitment again, though I have lots of ideas about things I would be happy to do for a few months or even a couple of years.

Just to say that a training course I supervise students on (as part of my work) requires them to do Age UK telephone befriending. They do 6 months each and then step out to be replaced by the next one.

Yep I’m in charge of a local community centre which is all voluntary and some weeks can be as many hours as a full time job, I do love it and always planing events for the kids and older generations which grants that we get (which I have to apply for in my spare time) then all the organisations of getting the events up and running and someone always bloody moans!!! We run a weekly brunch club in the week and generally serve cooked breakfast and rolls, due to the heat wave we stopped the full breakfast and just served rolls, omg the amount of moaning we had made me feel like closing it down, me nor the other committee members did not want to be cooking a bloody breakfast in 40•c heat

Before COVID I used to run children's activities voluntary. I stopped when COVID hit and it was lovely not to have complaints from some parents anymore. Stupid things like complaining about the start time of an after-school activity because they thought it was too late. It was that time because I was coming straight from work. I will never do it again.

I used to volunteer visiting older people and remember the feeling of dread and wishing the hour would go by more quickly. So I think I can understand a bit of how you feel, OP. The sense of obligation, of feeling trapped. I now have my own elderly relatives who need a lot!

I can understand that you won't be stopping.

But I wondered if this lady needs alternative contact as well? If you "mean everything to her", what happens if you are no longer around? Sounds like it could be devastating for her. And a bit unhealthy to be dependent on just one person.

I wonder if the charity could suggest something else for her during her week, as well as your call?

The phone call is a lifeline for her but presumably if something happened to stop you being able to do it suddenly the charity would match her with someone else.You could give them fair warning that you will need to stop in a month, they must have a way of dealing with this kind of situation.
Volunteering doesn’t have to be a chore that you don’t enjoy, ideally you give something but also derive some satisfaction.

Slightly ashamed to admit this.

I volunteered to help with severely disabled children. I completely underestimated how difficult it is - physically and emotionally.

Similar to the OP, it was only once a week for 4 hours but in the end I left after a year.

Could you say work is busy and make the calls every 2 weeks or once a month instead of weekly just to give yourself a break

At one point I had a full week of this stuff. School governor, scouts, professional bodies, charity etc.

All my hobbies felt like work.

I dropped 3.

I don't miss them.

Tell yourself "there are no medals and no one is keeping score"

I have just 2 now.

Sometimes I'm envious of people who just work and then sit at home 😀

This is an amazing thing to do and I bet if you could “see” the other end of the line and the good you do. However, I agree I would ask politely in the call to change the time as you are at work and difficult to make the valued communication.

god love you OP. You are a good egg

i did similar years ago with a kid who was struggling. It was only for a year so that she didn’t become reliant

gently I would say I can only do 1700. I think at 88 I would feel similar guilt.

I used to volunteer and felt the same as you OP. I finally managed to extract myself as it just wasn't working for me anymore.

They now have someone else.

The feeling is understandable but
ask yourself if she'd be happier with you carrying it on as an obligatory burden than be free and happy.

I know she says what she says to you, but she'd say the same to the next person, and the next.

OP is presumably using MN to vent as she does not have anywhere else. All I can say is that there will be a real satisfaction to seeing it through, tough as it might be.

On the other hand...being a Director in a block of flats can be awful. I am a landlord and am a Director in a couple of places. One is fine. Six flats, five of us Directors and the other is supportive. We have a good management company so any "work" is ensuring we reach a consensus. I have taken on the co-ordination, but a couple of neighbours have recently made substantial contributions (internal decoration, and being first point of contact during a major gas leak). As a result our service charges are low, the building well maintained and we all get on.

The second is a flat my parents used to live in and where maintenance had ground to a halt. We chose to inherit rather than sell during probate and then push a proper maintenance programme. Water was coming in everywhere: a dozen leaks in the roof, ground water problems, dodgy pipework, and flooded balconies. Our first managing agent (a well known national one) was awful, the second folded overnight, but somehow we have a new roof a new lift and enough money to sort out internal decoration (last done about 15 years ago) and the statutory fire stuff.

Leaseholders each had to pay a fairly major sum, no more than if they had had a house with the same problems, but still tricky. (Interestingly a couple of more recent buyers struggled. I assume they bought without a survey thinking they had bagged a bargain, whilst longer term residents were aware of the deterioration and thus relieved to be offered a solution, however costly.) Now the works are done, and people's properties more saleable most people have acknowledged the progress. Except for one family. Who moan and moan and moan, to the point of bullying. The hose pipe not being put away, small amounts of wind-blown dirt on the paving, builders materials being stored in a visitors space in the garage, having to clean their own windows (to help keep costs down their neighbours have been cleaning the common parts), and so on.

It has become so toxic I am having to stand down, leaving us with one Director, and others very wary of stepping forward. (No Directors means that the freehold company no longer exists, so the building is left without management.) The Government say they want to introduce commonhold which will allow residents to manage buildings themselves. (Though without the enforcement measures, like lease forfeiture, that currently exist....happy days ahead.)

I say

1. the commonhold proposals need a lot more thought, with direct input from those already accessing Right to Manage.
2. be very, very careful when buying a leasehold property, especially in a building that is looking tired. If you can afford a house, buy a house.

(Sorry OP, I also needed to vent!.)

My telephone friend has given me a real insight in to what it means to be a housebound lonely person

her husband died a few years ago and she has never driven or gone out and about independently really. She is now stuck in the house with restricted mobility

her kids signed her up to this service btw. They take it in turns to visit her every day and do odd jobs etc but it’s never enough for her really … for example, her son is due to go away for a 12 day holiday sometime soon and this is occupying a lot of her thoughts and dictating a lot of our recent chats …. She doesn’t like them going away because it means they can’t visit (obvs)

she also doesn’t like it if they’re late in ringing her to check in on her every day - but her daughter especially has a very busy job working in a school

so I can see the effects it has on a person when their world shrinks and they cannot do things for themselves. She needs her glasses repairing - she can’t just make an appointment - her son needs to be free to sort this out. A lot of stuff like that

and every single conversation starts with ‘ oh I’ve had such a bad week!!!’

but I get it. It’s tough.

growing old is not for the faint hearted that’s for sure

That sounds so familiar to me, based on my experience with my elderly friend. It can be very draining for everyone.
When the family return from holiday, would you be able to take a short break from phone calls for a few weeks?

My other bit of advice is to contact your supervisor at Age UK - not to stop your calls, but to see if they can visit her and maybe get her some extra support. They should be aware of how you feel and how she is.

You did the right thing coming on here. There are lots of us who are, or have been, in a similar situation.
Good luck. Xx

I always think they if you feel obligated to do something, that is reason itself not to do it.

You say you want to still keep talking to this lady and that is lovely, in which case, move it to a time that suits you. This cannot all be one sided, it’s not fair. You have your own life and commitments - and boundaries.

If this lady becomes unreasonable and unhappy about moving it, you could gently remind her that a phone call at a different time/day is better than no phone call at all.