Anyone else volunteering / doing a ‘good thing’/ helping a charity and hating every minute? Feel so obligated!!

[ItsABatFaceThing]

I feel so obligated because I AM obligated. There’s no getting out of this one

I volunteer with Age UK and am a telephone friend to an elderly lady. We speak for half an hour on the phone once a week - this is a set day and a set time and cannot be shifted because older people (as a rule) like to know what is happening and when!

So I have spoken to my telephone friend now every week for nearly 3 years. I call her every Tuesday at 12pm

The problem is that what worked for me 3 years ago, is so so tricky now. I have a new-ish job. It is so incredibly difficult for me to come away from my desk at 12pm on a Tuesday sometimes. And attempting to change the day would make zero difference … my job is such that no time is particularly good to make this phone call. I’m just … busy. Can’t even time it with lunch as we don’t take lunch at 12

But anyway… it just feels like such a slog now. And I feel really guilty for feeling this way. She tells me after every call how much she values talking to me and how brilliant I am - and I just wish I felt something more than I’m doing it because I feel obliged to

I won’t stop talking to her btw. I am there as close to 12 each week and have never missed a week - despite being away on holiday or unwell… I’ll always make the call.

I probably just wanted a self indulgent moan because I was 1 minute calling today and the first thing she said was ‘ you are a bit late!!’ 😂

But it got me thinking ..: do you volunteer for something and do it because you feel you have to?

Why can you not read the original post?

It's very kind of you but it doesn't work for you now so if this were me i would make it clear i can't do the call at this time anymore and ask her to suggest other times that are mutually acceptable and pick one of them for that to be our new call time .
88 or not she needs to be flexible if she still wants to speak to you - a busy working woman whilst i assume that her time is her own.

So hard isn't it ? I volunteered for an organisation for young adults. I did enjoy it and became emotionally attached . But the running of the Committee, the personalities involved , the rule changes and just general ethos made it become a chore rather than a pleasure . Despite knowing how much the clients would miss me I just couldn't continue .

I tried a few volunteering roles when I retired.

I have been in one role for almost 5 years since I retired and it’s great, they are flexible as are the other two roles I have settled in to.

I had safeguarding concerns with two other places and reported to both. One did give a safe guarding talk but I just thought both places were badly run and did not want be associated with them. The other was just too far away and as short staffed they needed more hours than I could offer.

You have to put up with all manner of stuff when working but not volunteering.

You need to change the day and time to another mutually agreed time and let her know kindly that it’s the only way you can carry on talking to her.

If you work FT, why are you allowing her to dictate your schedule? Just tell her that the current time no longer works for you so & explain clearly why and tell her that if the calls are to continue you will need to re-schedule to a time that does. So 6pm or no calls. Give her the choice. If she chooses to end the calls, that’s up to her & your conscience is clear.

Just because you volunteer you don’t have to be a complete doormat. But if you insist on behaving as one, that’s how people will treat you.

I am a manager at a charity and oversee a similar service.

You signed up to a commitment, that doesnt mean you signed your life away forever. Do you have someone at the charity you can speak to? Id be mortified if one of my volunteers felt they had to be fulfilling their commitment during their holidays and when unwell. I aim to have a small rotation of people supporting each individual, so that no one ends up feeling personally responsible, and so that the individual doesnt become dependent on one person. It also helps with the burn out and compassion fatigue, when you're probably having a very similar conversation week by week.

You can stop as well. You dont have to do this indefinitely. 3 years is a very admirable commitment!

I'd give your notice to Age concern and let someone else call her

Yes. Walked an elderly woman's dog every Saturday morning via cinnamon trust then had a cup of tea with her and listened to her chatting. I enjoyed it at first, but it was quite a commitment. Did it for three years, and only stopped when the dog died.

Not at the moment but a couple of times.

Got roped into being a volunteer board member for the management company for our flats. Was told it was only a couple of hours a month but I found it so wearing! Get home from work and have a meeting. Send emails over the weekend chasing people who hadn't paid service charges. Worst of all the other lessees seemed to assume we were paid professionals and would badger us with complaints about this that and the other. I was delighted when I sold the flat and gave it up.

I also went to a self help group which was a lifeline after I lost a baby late in pregnancy. After I eventually had my rainbow baby I agreed to go on the committee to give something back. But I found it hugely difficult juggling baby, sleepless nights then returning to work and having to host groups and do the admin. I also found it massively triggering being contacted by distressed parents who'd suffered recent losses. I felt really guilty and selfish not wanting to do it but I stuck it out for 2 years before resigning.

Age UK do not do the calls after 5 because of the monitors who are there in case of any issues

I’m a fundraiser for a charity, and would like to say a huge thank you to everyone who volunteers. We do notice it, and we do appreciate you. I couldn’t manage my workload without the support of volunteers, and the skills they bring is astounding.

I also volunteer my time on a board of trustees, and I see it from that side too, my work is fabulous and I love it, but I do get paid to do it so I think volunteering is only right and proper.

Sadly not everyone is in the right role, and I’m so sorry to hear of bad experiences, please think of the core service and why you signed up.

What I find with volunteering is you say “I can offer 4 hours a month” and then they push more and more on to you, and you can easily end up giving two or three times that. All the while they go on about “why do no young people volunteer anymore.”

Volunteering fatigue is DEFINITELY a thing.

I enjoy mine (foodbank) but find it quite stressful at times and sometimes consider leaving. But then I'll have a fantastic session and it reinvigorates me again!

You don't seem to want solutions, just to express your frustration, so I hear you. I agree with the others that I'd say you're going to call in the evenings but it's your choice.

Interesting and useful to read everyone’s thoughts and experiences

just to be really clear … I won’t be stopping. Too soft aren’t I? 😂 But no, in all seriousness, this means everything to her. And I know this because she tells me.

can I spare her half an hour a week? Yes. Am I doing it for her? Yes. There’s no good time for me to ring her - my enthusiasm to do so waned a long time ago and that’s just me being honest.

I don’t need to explain anything clearly to her. She doesn’t ’dictate’ to me - she’s a very lonely housebound elderly lady and I give her a lot of comfort .

is it fucking annoying though? Yeah a bit 😂

I’m just letting off a bit of steam like I said in my opening post.

@PearlsTeapot sounds like you get it!

I can’t change to the evening. Age UK moderate the calls and there’s a cut off

and it makes no difference to me really - I’m always ‘busy’ either working or chilling

it’s just that feeling of being obligated but meh - I’ll cope

If you are just venting that is fair, do you get support sessions/meetings with age uk so you can talk it through with them?

@SpottyAlpaca I’m not a doormat. I’m just kind to an elderly lady who lives is desperately lonely I suppose.

if that makes me a twat then so be it.

couldn’t have been clearer in my OP that I’m not looking for anyone to ‘solve’’ this for me -I asked other volunteers for their views

@Lomonald I could talk to them about it yes. But I have nothing to talk about really apart from ‘ god this is draining’ 😂

Thanks for the update. I understand exactly what you mean. After Covid allowed face to face contact again, I visited a lovely 96 year old lady and often took her out. Yes, it was sometimes a bit meh and even a bit of a nuisance. She loved it though and, mostly, so did I. Just saying that sometimes I didn’t. She died last year, aged 101, and I still miss her.

You're doing a good thing and she's lucky to have you. X

It just feels like such a pain
is it fucking annoying though? Yeah a bit

God I hope I never reach a stage in life where I'm dependent on someone like the OP.

I work for a charity that does a similar sort of service,

Just tell them you can’t do it anymore, they won’t mind - you’ve given three years of service, which is fabulous!

They’ll sort out another volunteer for your client.

@DeeferDogg terrible isn’t it? I totally agree with you.
to be clear, she isn’t dependant on me to live! I give her some much needed companionship which she lives for - and that in itself is very sad

That's abit harsh. The OP is just being honest, but has said she has no intention of stopping. It's not easy supporting an elderly person. As long as her lady is happy, and it seems she is, and the OP is going to continue,that's what really matters. Not what she shares with us lot.

@Knitterlybliss thank you for getting it. We are allowed to feel what we feel I suppose!

I walked a lovely lady’s dog twice a week for 4 1/2 years until the lady passed away very suddenly. I thoroughly enjoyed it but as you say, it was far more than just walking the dog. Even though she had family nearby, none of them walked the dog or did much else except for one grand daughter who could only visit weekly. The visits were longer than I expected and I often ended up doing shopping too as she had run out of items. When she passed away the cinnamon trust didn’t contact me to say thank you for my time or to find out how I was so I stopped volunteering for them.
They were very keen when I initially signed up but I never heard from them again.