Should I say something about non-vegan gifts from my in-laws?

[SoFarFromHome]

I would appreciate some opinions on what to do in this situation.

I have been with my partner for 20 years and have been vegan since before I was with him. His family know as we’ve obviously eaten together at each others houses and out in restaurants many times. They have seen me refuse chocolates and sweets made with animal products and when asked why, I’ve told them. I’ve been shopping with his mum where she has suggested things she thought I’d like but they’ve been leather and I’ve said I don’t use/wear leather due to being vegan. It gets a bit wearing after 20 years but I just explain and move on until the next time.

His PILs sometimes buy me chocolates for my birthday, Christmas and Easter that I can’t eat. I don’t bother saying anything anymore as when I have in the past, they have still bought them for me again. My partner eats them or I pass them on to someone else or give to a food bank. It’s annoying but no big deal.

My dilemma now is that they have bought me a leather handbag for my birthday as well as a very large, expensive box of chocolates containing milk. I won’t use the handbag or eat the chocolates. Would you say anything? I don’t want to cause an issue but this isn’t just a £10 box of chocolates this time. They have spent a lot and will expect to see me with the handbag. Do I just thank them and never use it? Thank them but tell the truth? I also think they may mention the chocolates as they’re expensive.

My partner thinks that because they know I’m vegan and have told many times before that I don’t use leather, that I shouldn’t have to be grateful and say thanks. He thinks they are rude to have ignored the fact I’m vegan all these years. I agree but not sure I can be bothered talking to them about it.

I last went shopping with his mum only a few weeks ago and bought some non leather trainers. His mum was pointing out leather ones and I said again that I wouldn’t use leather due to being vegan so it’s not like she has forgot.

We have always tried to buy thoughtful gifts for them. His mum doesn’t like yellow gold jewellery for example so we have only ever bought white gold as that is what she likes. When his dad was on a health kick, we listened and stopped buying him things he had given up like alcohol.

What would you do?

After 20 years and multiple conversations, they definitely know. So this is a deliberate choice to buy you something that you can't use. How disrespectful.

I would let your bf have it out with them, I think. So what if it causes a bit of a row - maybe ask them to stop bothering with gifts for you in future.

I agree. 20 years ffs. And sod buying “thoughtful” gifts. I’d get them a tshirt with “my dil is a vegan” on it to hammer the message home 😉

I think there needs to be an argument as their behaviour is completely unacceptable and has been going on for years.

Do you still want a relationship with them? I wouldn't, so I would be happy to have the row and if it meant that they take great offence and flounce off, I would be pleased that they were no longer in my life.

This is really annoying, OP - I bet they are one of those people who dont believe in food allergies, either. They are deliberately ignoring your preferences because, no doubt, they think its "silly".

I would politely ask for gift receipt for the bag and with chocolates, open them when PILs are visiting and tell them to eat them themselves as you can not.

Also, if the bag is expensive it might be possible to change it in the shop without receipts - and then tell your MIL you had to because you can't use leather.

I would ask your husband to give them back. He doesn't have to be rude but can say how upset he is that they are deliberately trying to hurt you. Which sadly they are.

You really don't understand why a vegan wouldn't want to use a leather bag? I'm assuming that you are being deliberately provocative rather than completely clueless and ignorant.

Your partner needs to handle this. They ARE rude. And they are probably doing this maliciously to make a point. I would absolutely let your partner handle this and deal with the fallout on your behalf. You’ve played the doormat long enough. Neither of us are vegan, but I’d be fuming if my family treated my Dh like this. It would have been sorted as soon as it was obvious it was not a mistake.

What on earth has the fact that for survival purposes there was once little choice but to eat meat, and the fact that a tiny minority of other people may have an allergy to every conceivable material that isn't leather (really?) have to do with OPs choices?
She is a contemporary woman living in a world where eating plant based food is easy and healthy. As far as I know there is no law requiring the ownership of a handbag. And if she needs one, and gives equal weight to environmental concerns as animal welfare (or has one of those well known pesky allergies) she has possibly heard of apple leather. Yes, for shoes too!
And pineapple leaves and cork and recycled synthetics....

Gosh how frustrating! If it’s gone on this long they’re clearly incapable or unwilling to understand this information. Maybe DP can suggest they just get you a voucher!

I agree that for a big expensive present you should message to thank them and explain you appreciate the effort they went to to pick it out and you really want to make use of the gift and it not to go to waste so you’d like the receipt to swap to something you would use. Or as DP to explain this if you’d rather.

If it was something small I’d just thank them and donate as you have been doing but with something big and expensive I think you need to say something. I’ve done that where people have bought clothes for my child that were too small because I assume they do want him to benefit from the gift.

Maybe if they have to go to the effort of handing over the receipt it will help the message sink in!

hey OP’s parents in law! 😂

seriously though this shows the kind of attitude some people have and it’s likely the parents are well aware she doesn’t use leather but decided to get her it anyway because they feel like this too.

They’re exceptionally rude. Can you imagine doing this to someone who avoids certain products on religious or cultural grounds? Doing it once or twice fine but after being reminded for TWENTY YEARS and still continuing… They’re taking the piss. Definitely ask for the receipt and be explicit with them- you will not use leather and you don’t eat any of the food products they gift you.

People are so weird. DH has been vegetarian for decades and my mother still fusses over what she can cook him and then says things like 'but chicken stock / beef stock/ spagetti meatballs with the meatballs removed before serving doesn't count does it?' Yes, it counts, and it has counted in the past 25 years you have been asking as well.

Best interpretation, it just washes over them when you say 'I can't...'' as they don't genuinely think it matters enough to sink into their brains. If it's not important to them they can't imagine why it might be important to anyone.

If your partner can politely return and deal with it then that is best. Good luck.

As a pp suggested, part of the problem might be that from politeness you haven't wanted to refuse things or ask your DH to speak to your in laws, so they are confused or even disbelieving. The expensive bag is sn opportunity to tell them that you are serious, you won't use the bag and will only give it to a charity shop, but you would love to have another gift from them to value and use.

Pop the chocolates in the Christmas cupboard and get them out over the festive season for guests.

Put the bag on Vinted.

Yes, this.

Sounds deliberate.

You can’t work out why a vegan, who doesn’t consume animal products for ethical reasons, won’t use a leather handbag? 🥴

If you get on well with them, I would put it down to thoughtlessness, forgetfulness or just being a bit thick and not really understanding what vegan means, rather than a deliberate passive aggressive act. Why would they waste money on it otherwise?

I would still say something though, every time. Ask for the receipt to exchange and explain you can’t/ won’t use the item if it contains an animal product. Shame you didn’t nip this in the bud years ago, but there’s still time.

I would maybe wonder if they're the kind of people who do what they think they 'should' do, but are always looking for loopholes, as they don't really want to.

"Ooh, I'm supposed to be on a diet, but your birthday is a special occasion, so I'll make an exception for a big slice of cake"; or "I'm not allowed to buy this for myself, but as you've given it to me, I guess that doesn't really count'.

Still mad, though, as, say, being born into a Muslim family but wanting to try alcohol when you're older is not the same as deciding to become vegan; it's not something that just gets assigned to you, whether you like it or not.

Maybe they could have a very slight point if you were a child who had only ever been brought up vegan by default, by vegan parents; but that's clearly absolutely not the case for you.

Are they quite ‘with it’ or fuddy duddy old fashioned? It sounds like they see any dietary requirement as being fussy, hence apologising for you in the restaurant. Maybe this is their mission to make you ‘normal’ and as you’ve accepted chocolates in the past they feel they are slowly winning?? I’d mention it all to them including the previous boxes of chocs you’ve never eaten.

when I was a teen I was vegetarian and my gran would go out of her way to buy special vegetarian meals for me, which was lovely until I realised on one occasion she had bought me an M&S beef lasagne ready meal! She honestly had no idea why I wouldn’t eat it!!

Nwxt time they give you chocolate, hand it back and say no thanks. Im vegan

tell your husband to tell them too. No point buying her chocolates, she doesn’t eat them. Buy vegan choc instead. They sell it at hotel chocolat or whatever brand you like

My DGM was like this. My DSis once made the mistake of complimenting her politely on some new clothes that she'd bought for herself after she was proudly showing them off, so she started buying her the same kind of things for some time afterwards.

She always favoured very old-fashioned styles, even for somebody of her age; but my DSis was 50 years younger and a teenager being given highly stereotypical 'old lady' fashions!

Your username at least seems well thought out.

I do think that some people only understand 'diet' as what you like the taste of or fancy eating.

It isn't on their radar that you've actively decided never to eat or use animal products for ethical reasons - it's just a general 'preference'; so the fact that "this is a really nice, top-quality pie" or similar overrides the fact that it contains beef, and you can have 'a bit of a treat'.

I think there are also some people from older generations who got so used to rationing and war-time shortages (or just having a very low family income), that the idea of being fully able to eat meat but choosing not to just blows their minds.

I'm glad.you've decided to let your DP speak to them. It will only cause a row if they're doing it on purpose. If it's an honest mistake they will be mortified and apologetic.

My PiL are very traditional eaters. I've been vegetarian as long as I've known them and they've always made an effort to cater appropriately despite finding it puzzling. I've also recently developed a food allergy so they check and double check every item with me. Sometimes they've made a mistake shopping and it turns out what they thought would be a suitable dinner actually isn't (not a problem, they're 2 mins away from a massive 24h supermarket). They always apologise, because they're good people who want to get it right. No row has ever occurred.

[Could someone tell me whether my first sentence above shows as 'you've decided' or 'you'veided'? I typed the former, and that is what shows in the editing box and the instant I post, but then a fraction of a second later it flips to the latter. If it's affecting what other people see I'll report the tech glitch to MN.]