Should I say something about non-vegan gifts from my in-laws?

[SoFarFromHome]

I would appreciate some opinions on what to do in this situation.

I have been with my partner for 20 years and have been vegan since before I was with him. His family know as we’ve obviously eaten together at each others houses and out in restaurants many times. They have seen me refuse chocolates and sweets made with animal products and when asked why, I’ve told them. I’ve been shopping with his mum where she has suggested things she thought I’d like but they’ve been leather and I’ve said I don’t use/wear leather due to being vegan. It gets a bit wearing after 20 years but I just explain and move on until the next time.

His PILs sometimes buy me chocolates for my birthday, Christmas and Easter that I can’t eat. I don’t bother saying anything anymore as when I have in the past, they have still bought them for me again. My partner eats them or I pass them on to someone else or give to a food bank. It’s annoying but no big deal.

My dilemma now is that they have bought me a leather handbag for my birthday as well as a very large, expensive box of chocolates containing milk. I won’t use the handbag or eat the chocolates. Would you say anything? I don’t want to cause an issue but this isn’t just a £10 box of chocolates this time. They have spent a lot and will expect to see me with the handbag. Do I just thank them and never use it? Thank them but tell the truth? I also think they may mention the chocolates as they’re expensive.

My partner thinks that because they know I’m vegan and have told many times before that I don’t use leather, that I shouldn’t have to be grateful and say thanks. He thinks they are rude to have ignored the fact I’m vegan all these years. I agree but not sure I can be bothered talking to them about it.

I last went shopping with his mum only a few weeks ago and bought some non leather trainers. His mum was pointing out leather ones and I said again that I wouldn’t use leather due to being vegan so it’s not like she has forgot.

We have always tried to buy thoughtful gifts for them. His mum doesn’t like yellow gold jewellery for example so we have only ever bought white gold as that is what she likes. When his dad was on a health kick, we listened and stopped buying him things he had given up like alcohol.

What would you do?

How can this be an honest mistake?

Do they have learning difficulties?

They probably just dont care too much if you like their gift. They are just fulfilling an obligation but give no craps if you like it or not

I would return it to them. They are ridiculous.

It's showing the mangled version

Thanks. Weird.

This! He should just say you’re too polite to mention it but essentially the bag will go to someone else as you’re vegan so chose not to use animal based products at all

They are either still very ignorant or they are doing this on purpose. Either way,after 20 years,it's not on. Ask for receipts every time they do this 😞

Sounds like a plan, but instead of asking for the receipt your partner should just take the gifts back to them to return for their own refund. There's a strong likelihood there is no paper receipt and/or the store will only refund on the original credit card. This is an ongoing pattern over many years, they know what they are doing. Just returning the bag would give this thing less oxygen.

I would ask for the receipt and explain ( for the millionth time why you won’t be using the bag)

If they claim to have lost the receipt just tell them -very calmly- “Never mind, as they say it’s the though that’s counts , I’ll donate it to the charity shop next time I’m in town.”

Then offer them a chocolate , “ I expect these are delicious but you need to eat them up for me because they aren’t vegan and DH isn’t really a chocolate person.” And give them the rest to take home “ Would be a shame to waste them.”

Just stay 😕low key about it, they will get the message. Eventually. Though it might take another 20 years.

you buy the MIL white gold jewellery???? <totally misses point>

20 years and they dont understand vegan??? I think its time to chat. You are carrying this internally. Its actually abuse. I would ask her what she understands to be the meaning of vegan - be curious and unpick that with her. Then explore with her where leather and dairy milk comes from. As her if she thinks they are vegan. Give her time to think. This really needs fleshed out, in person. Then ask her, once she can repeat back to you that dairy milk and leather are animal products, if these are thoughtful gifts for a vegan. Keep calm. The only conclusion she can come to, is no. I would be surprised if she doesnt understand - if she does already understand, she is a bully. It needs to be called out.

It is possible she doesnt know so that is why a simple conversation is needed. Some folk cant distinguish dairy free, vegan, vegetarian, pescatarian, wheat free etc - they have never had to. Start by giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Havent read the full thread.

Good luck, it will be nice for YOU at birthday, christmas and easter to nip this in the bud. Even share links to appropriate gifts, educational sites.

My aunt in her 60s thought a vegetarian would eat tinned meat.....

I would do this too.

given it’s more money, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to say that you don’t want it to go to waste and have they got the receipt.

this is such stereotypical in-law behaviour! I wonder why they can’t learn that you are a vegan. I can see that they might be so narrow minded that they can’t get their heads around the leather issue (though it’s not that hard to grasp). But surely chocolate with milk etc in?!

And for future use, always make sure you get a gift receipt when you buy them a present in the future, and make a big huge deal of emphasising that you have included the receipt so they can exchange the item if they want to for something they like, want and can bloody use.

Well….yes….i actually think you should 😂😬

It is rude, thoughtless, passive aggressive - take your pick, but it is not abuse. Please don't throw that word around innappropriately, it insults victims of actual abuse.

You also get some people who try to foist something on you because you should “loosen up” or you “deserve a treat” e.g alcohol when you’re trying to quit/cut down or cake when you have said you’re trying to lose weight. My Grandma struggles to accept no when it comes to food and will constantly try to feed you, even if you’ve told her you have just eaten a few times. Then you feel rude because the food has been prepared.

I think OP’s ILs have had two decades to realise what veganism actually means yet they’re still choosing to ignore it. They’re pisstakers.

Even if they do happily give you the receipt and freely tell you to exchange it if it's not right/wanted for any reason, it's still obviously going to be unpleasant for a vegan to have to handle and do the admin surrounding returning a leather bag.

It's not just that they can't keep it on a technicality; it's something that they find disgusting and want no part in dealing with. You wouldn't give a Jewish person 3lbs of bacon and tell them to 'just take it back to the butcher if you don't want it'.

Why on earth have you stopped your dh saying something before? As far as they’re concerned, they’ve given you these types of presents before and you’ve accepted them, so why wouldn’t you accept these? Maybe they think that you don’t buy leather and chocolates etc for yourself but when it’s a gift it’s ok.

Or they are being rude and deserve to be told they are.

My DGS 7, has attended 4 birthday parties during the summer holidays. Good to see it can happen.

I thought this tbh.

My DH's GM sometimes "switched off" when being told about things she thought were sort of modern "hang ups." She would not have been obviously rude, but I'm not sure she'd have grasped that vegan was about non food items, and that's if she knew vegan was different from vegetarian.

I find it really hard to believe that anyone would buy an expensive leather bag just to be a pita. I think it's more likely she hasn't really listened and absorbed.

I'm with you OP: better you say it than let your DH make it sound like you sent him as your minion while you hide away.

20 years of receiving gifts which go against your ethical and dietary choices IS abuse. Abuse is something which causes you harm. The stress leading up to every birthday, christmas and easter, alongside the shopping trips and meals out, along with the management of the unwanted gift and the planning of the conversations around that is stress (harm) which no-one should tolerate. The word abuse is not being thrown around inappropriately by me.

I'm afraid I agree with @AmyDudley .

If you were really being abused, it would be very minimising to hear the wrong birthday gifts being described as abuse.

It might well be lack of effort, but that isn't abuse.

When I read the title I was totally ready to tell you YABU because I assumed it was a one off or small thing from someone peripheral. Reading the whole story no, YANBU it seems like they are doing it on purpose. Agree to tell them and ask for receipts.

It is not just a wrong birthday gift though is it. For example buying someone a jumper every birthday and christmas, and they never like it, is a wrong birthday gift. This is different. Giving products which contain animal products to a vegan - repeatedly - in spite of what they tell you? Forcing your beliefs onto them - for what purpose? They wont use the item. Why keep giving them something they wont use and they have told you they wont use - expecting them to eat an animal product. Its appalling after all this time. (I am not vegan but the OP has my full empathy here)

Off topic a bit but could you send me a link to your work please?

Agreed, I personally find vegans incredibly selfish and very hard work. I'd much rather use biodegradable animal products than fake plastic imitation products that have a lot of microplastics in them. Veganism is quite unhealthy when you look at it from that perspective. Microplastics really are damaging the environment and people's health.

This is a great post from x:

" "Myth: "I only wear vegan fabrics. Better for the animals, better for the planet."

Let's check in on Doris's annual contribution.

Once a year, in late spring, Doris is sheared. The procedure takes approximately three minutes. Doris does not enjoy it. Doris does not, by any visible measure, suffer from it. Doris is, immediately afterwards, a noticeably more comfortable animal in the British summer. T

he fleece weighs approximately 3 kilograms. It is sold to the British Wool Marketing Board for, depending on the year, between £0.40 and £2.50 per kilogram. The shearing costs more than the wool fetches. Brian is shearing Doris at a loss.

The wool is then: - Naturally flame-retardant - Naturally antibacterial - Moisture-wicking - Biodegradable - Renewable, annually - Carbon-storing while in use

The replacement, in performance fabrics: - Polyester - Polyamide - Acrylic - Polypropylene - All petroleum-derived - All shedding microplastics on every wash - All requiring fossil fuel inputs to produce - All non-biodegradable, with a typical landfill lifespan of 200-500 years.

A single wash of a polyester fleece can release up to 700,000 microplastic fibres into the water system. These fibres are now in: every tested water source on earth, every tested human placenta, every tested rainfall sample, the deep ocean, the Arctic ice, and the lungs of marine mammals.

A single wash of a wool jumper releases: nothing. The wool, when eventually disposed of, returns to soil within a few years.

The fabric being marketed as the "ethical" alternative to wool is plastic.

The plastic is "ethical" because nobody has been asked to slaughter the polymer.

The polymer also has not been asked.

Doris, by being a sheep on a fell, is producing the most thoroughly sustainable performance fabric humans have ever made.

Brian is selling it at a loss.

The fashion industry, meanwhile, is selling petroleum at a profit and calling it ethical.

Reject plastic. Wear wool.

Doris is, this morning, growing next year's batch."