Should I say something about non-vegan gifts from my in-laws?

[SoFarFromHome]

I would appreciate some opinions on what to do in this situation.

I have been with my partner for 20 years and have been vegan since before I was with him. His family know as we’ve obviously eaten together at each others houses and out in restaurants many times. They have seen me refuse chocolates and sweets made with animal products and when asked why, I’ve told them. I’ve been shopping with his mum where she has suggested things she thought I’d like but they’ve been leather and I’ve said I don’t use/wear leather due to being vegan. It gets a bit wearing after 20 years but I just explain and move on until the next time.

His PILs sometimes buy me chocolates for my birthday, Christmas and Easter that I can’t eat. I don’t bother saying anything anymore as when I have in the past, they have still bought them for me again. My partner eats them or I pass them on to someone else or give to a food bank. It’s annoying but no big deal.

My dilemma now is that they have bought me a leather handbag for my birthday as well as a very large, expensive box of chocolates containing milk. I won’t use the handbag or eat the chocolates. Would you say anything? I don’t want to cause an issue but this isn’t just a £10 box of chocolates this time. They have spent a lot and will expect to see me with the handbag. Do I just thank them and never use it? Thank them but tell the truth? I also think they may mention the chocolates as they’re expensive.

My partner thinks that because they know I’m vegan and have told many times before that I don’t use leather, that I shouldn’t have to be grateful and say thanks. He thinks they are rude to have ignored the fact I’m vegan all these years. I agree but not sure I can be bothered talking to them about it.

I last went shopping with his mum only a few weeks ago and bought some non leather trainers. His mum was pointing out leather ones and I said again that I wouldn’t use leather due to being vegan so it’s not like she has forgot.

We have always tried to buy thoughtful gifts for them. His mum doesn’t like yellow gold jewellery for example so we have only ever bought white gold as that is what she likes. When his dad was on a health kick, we listened and stopped buying him things he had given up like alcohol.

What would you do?

Yes, she has my full empathy too, and it is an appalling lack of insight or effort, one or the other.

BUT I still don't think it constitutes abuse.

I think it's fine to mention it, my sister is vegan and without thinking I bought her a wool cardigan. She let me know and I exchanged it - no problem and rather that than buying her something which would never be used, and more importantly goes against her personal lifestyle and something she feels very strongly about.

I have been vegan for 40+ years and married for more than half of that. My SIL did this kind of thing every Christmas and at first I just said thank-you and chucked/charity shopped it or took it to work if it was cakes/chocs. OH did remind her several times.

Then it got to hampers of home made cakes etc none of which we could use. So I just said how lovely it all looked, and wasn't she clever etc and then handed it back saying it would be a shame to just waste such a lovely thing and I am sure that she could find someone who would like it. I was kind but firm. My husband backed me up privately when she asked him if he was sure he didn't want it ( no, it will just be wasted/ composted, and we don't actually want it in our house). After a couple of times of firmly refusing gifts she stopped and we got a present we could use last couple of times.

I don't think there was any malice - I was the only vegan (you would have thought in the whole world!) when we first married. Husband is veggie, but is now mostly vegan as his gut wont tolerate milk anymore. They always checked there was something for us if we went out for a meal, I just don't think in the frenzy of Christmas she really thought about it. Or assumed OH would eat/use it.

Just say thank you so much but its not for me, as you know I don't eat/use/wear whatever. I am sure you can find someone who will love it, and give it back. Its the handing back, nicely, that made the difference for us.

Because the OP is vegan. If you don’t understand, google it.

I think they are making an extremely passive aggressive statement. They disrespect your values and are ignoring a core ethical choice that matters to you. You need to set a firm boundary now. Your DH is correct you don’t need to be grateful or worry about their feelings, they certainly don’t worry about yours. Give both ‘gifts’ back and ask what part of being a vegan do they not understand? Time to put them on the spot and let them know enough is enough. They may balk at this because they are used to you sucking it up.

Why are you worried about your partner speaking to his own parents on your behalf? You’re giving very strong doormat vibes. If you’re worried about their reaction then this points to them actually being abusive which I think they are, as I said in my comment it’s very passive aggressive behaviour.

You wouldn’t know if a bag was leather or not??

It's simple. They hate that you're vegan and think it ruins they otherwise joyful times with their son. So out of spite they buy you everything non vegan.

From the OP
His PILs sometimes buy me chocolates for my birthday, Christmas and Easter that I can’t eat. I don’t bother saying anything anymore as when I have in the past, they have still bought them for me again. My partner eats them or I pass them on to someone else or give to a food bank. It’s annoying but no big deal.

She doesn't sound like she feels she is being abused, 'no big deal ' is a clue here. You have made up the 'stress and harm caused' storyline. And you are doubling down in a ridiculous manner.

I've been a vegetarian for over 50 years, I frequently had my in laws trying to insist I eat chicken or fish because 'those aren't animals' I corrected them, they ignored me, so I basically let it wash over me, it was annoying but no more.

I also lived for many years with a verbally and physically abusive man, believe me, being given a leather handbag, and being punched in the face don't compare and anyone who says they do is being deeply deeply ingenuous and foolish.

If being given a leather handbag and non vegan chocolates is abuse, then presumably there is some sort of 'misunderstood and annoyed vegans' helpline out there that OP can ring for support.

My partner has spoken to his mum this morning. He asked if they had the receipt for the bag as it’s not suitable for a vegan and she said I was being fussy. She confirmed they know I’m vegan and know what that means but see me as difficult and said eating a few chocolates and using a bag won’t make any difference to any animals.

They said me doing things like bringing my own vegan things to a bbq was rude, despite me only doing that after twice not having anything but salad and bread to eat. I had asked if they were doing anything vegan and offered to bring my own when they pulled a face, which they agreed to. We already took other food and drink so that we were contributing but bringing the vegan things was apparently rude and I should have just eaten what they provided. My partner stuck up for me and told them they were offensive. He told them that I have let everything go because I’m the exact opposite of difficult. Lots of things have been said on both sides and the conversation was left on bad terms. He is going to send the gifts back to them.

They are just intolerant people it seems and I won’t be making any effort with them from now on. We don’t live close to them and only see them about 5 times each year so if my partner chooses to keep seeing them, I’m not going to and it will be easy not to. At the moment he is saying he doesn’t want to see them. I suspected that raising this would cause a huge row which is why I had avoided it in the past.

I'm sorry OP that your beliefs are such an issue for them. It did seemed premeditated on their part form the start unfortunately.

You can't argue with that level of stupidity, especially when it seems to also have a measure of vindictiveness thrown in. You've done well to keep the peace for this long. They can fuck.off now.

Sorry @SoFarFromHome , it’s a shame that they’ve just been proven to be ignorant . FWIW we went through similar with my in-laws , not about a vegan issue though and I didn’t speak to my FIL ever again and have only started talking to MIL , very occasionally in the last few years so about 25 yrs after the original conversation , no loss to me at all .

"She doesn't sound like she feels she is being abused," is what you write. You do know that most victims of coercive control type DA also dont feel like they are being abused and it can take years for a victim to see it. It might benefit you to expand your knowledge of abuse - it extends way beyond physical violence which you sadly experienced. The gaslighting of the OPs views and blatant disrespect for her, especially at her birthday and christmas, is abuse.

Sorry it went that way, but at least you now know where you stand. And think of the money you'll save on thoughtful gifts of white gold jewellery.

Thought so.. All the non vegan presents were to teach you a lesson and prove to them and your DP that you would probably eat/use them anyway

She's not even meeting you halfway, but doubling down. Its a very ignorant approach. Its not rude to bring Vegan food to a gathering. We've brought vegetarian food to BBQs many times and the hosts are always grateful because it saves them the trouble. She's just latching on to that as a fault to find.

Not sure if there's anything more you can do.

It probably is some sort of emotional abuse for disrespecting my boundaries and doing it to try to cause me distress. It’s upsetting to think they would do that but I mainly think they’re sad and pathetic.

20 years and they don't listen. ...they won't listen, ever. For us, it's 25 years....so, yes, as others say ask for the receipt and return/exchange. You can't continue to be their inadvertent victim and miss our on great birthday presents.

Also, consider making a gift list across the family for all big events, so you get what you want or need. Not what others want to gift you.

I'm an eco-nut and have had to keep donating plastic tat to charity. No more.

It is good that your DH found out once and for all they are simply being twats and difficult toward you

Fortunately you don't have to see them anymore

Ah well, they have blatantly confirmed that they were being deliberate arseholes then, so that makes it far easier to deal with than kindly giving them the benefit of the doubt.

I'd have no further contact and leave it up to your DH whether he bothers with them or not. But I'd be done now.

And I'm an old lady who eats meat quite happily. I feel cross on your behalf.

They’re incredibly rude and disrespectful OP. But now you know that they think you’re fussy and they’ve been doing it on purpose you can actually think fuck you guys and be free of having to keep the peace. And good that your DH has stuck up for you which doesn’t happen as often as it really should. Everyone has the right to have their beliefs and views respected. You’ve been respectful of them but now you can just let it go x

Glad to hear your DH has your back and be glad you've freed yourself of their negative energy

Put the bag in the animal charity shop, when she asks anything at all about it simply reply oh I gave it to animal charity, as I am vegan.

She definitely knows and so does her husband, 20 years down the line,,, you deserve a medal, 😁

Yuck! They sound like rude, intolerant bigots. Well done to your partner for challenging them. Your life will be so much nicer without them.

To be frank your partner is spot on.

Why are they so obsessed with buying you animal-based products? It’s truly and utterly weird. I say that as a leather-using rare steak eating type.

Just get dp to eBay the bag and avoid them from now on.