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Why do so many women in the UK, work full-time and also do the cooking cleaning and mental load at home..?

254 replies

GreenCandies · 23/08/2026 14:09

Why ?

Why put up with it ?

OP posts:
Sunsettting · 23/08/2026 20:17

PollysKenwood · 23/08/2026 19:31

I think it’s part of the reason more young women are choosing iIt to have kids (in addition to high house prices etc). Many have seen their DMs run ragged working full time but also ending up with more work of the childcare and household work and they are thinking “fuck that”. I think it’s a difficult process now when so many meet a partner at (say) university and have a similar life pattern to them then if children come along they can end up having to absorb the role their mother probably had in addition to their work life and they see their life is no longer similar to their partner’s. Having children feels more of a choice than an expection now.

I think related to your point is the fact that having children is generally not such the deal breaker it is to men as it is to most women. If women honestly sat down with men and said if you have kids with me I would expect you to curtail your career and do 50/50 (with an awareness of how much work that actually involves) I would say most men would say ‘nah forget it’ Many women come to realise it’s not going to be 50/50 after the 1st child but would still rather have a 2nd despite the status quo and that’s often the unspoken deal they’ve made

Sunsettting · 23/08/2026 20:32

Backedoffhackedoff · 23/08/2026 19:59

You’re really naive if you think challenging it changes things.

what changes things is divorce. And the impact on the children is so serious, that’s not to be taken lightly.

Just outsourcing it has saved many a marriage!!

Amsylou · 23/08/2026 21:09

I laugh because I really am the more shit partner when it comes to household chores, and I always have been. Truth is, I do a fair amount but not 50% of the housework. I do however do nearly all the life admin and all of mental load, and more cooking. I also do slightly more childcare. Being more shit at housework has led to this, and it is more or less even in terms of time on domestic stuff, and I often think if women just stopped doing stuff then it would make a point. I think when it’s imbalanced they should just strike or leave for a week. Thats what men do, and expect women to pick up the slack.

I agree that in no way are women to blame though. But we also are not powerless.

upinaballoon · 23/08/2026 22:43

Because they're not cleaning the car, maintaining the car, wielding chain saws, putting up shelves, digging the garden, mowing the grass.......

PollysKenwood · 23/08/2026 22:44

Are they not 🤔

crackofdoom · 23/08/2026 23:26

upinaballoon · 23/08/2026 22:43

Because they're not cleaning the car, maintaining the car, wielding chain saws, putting up shelves, digging the garden, mowing the grass.......

😆
Yeah, nah

Rockettstg · 24/08/2026 06:03

Fromthecookiejar · 23/08/2026 19:53

Why don't you challenge your husband for - as you put it - not being interested in his children?

Just imagine being with a man that you know isn’t interested in his children and thinking somehow that you have it good? He has done a real number on the Op

NotPennysBoat · 24/08/2026 06:12

I think it starts much younger - I am in a friendship group of seven couples. We all have teenage children and those with girls expect them to muck in, help with dinner, keep their rooms tidy etc. Those with boys do everything for them! Pack their lunches, pack their bags for holidays, even at 14/15 years old. I have one of each and expect them to look after themselves and help the rest of the household.
Parents are raising useless sons to become useless husbands!

Rockettstg · 24/08/2026 06:18

NotPennysBoat · 24/08/2026 06:12

I think it starts much younger - I am in a friendship group of seven couples. We all have teenage children and those with girls expect them to muck in, help with dinner, keep their rooms tidy etc. Those with boys do everything for them! Pack their lunches, pack their bags for holidays, even at 14/15 years old. I have one of each and expect them to look after themselves and help the rest of the household.
Parents are raising useless sons to become useless husbands!

They admit this to you? How odd.

I have teen DS and teen DD… both do chores. Interchangeably.

Maisymouse2 · 24/08/2026 06:24

GreenCandies · 23/08/2026 14:15

Absolutely why do they treat their wives/partners like this?
Guessing because they can get away with it, and because ultimately they view the partners as their to service them....

Any men on here I'd love to hear why do you this? Don't you feel bad? Or do you just feel entitled ?

Why would you Let someone treat you like this.
Married or not
Yes many work full time because the worlds changed.

Maisymouse2 · 24/08/2026 06:27

poolshoes · 23/08/2026 14:30

Most of the mums I know work p/t and this gets glossed over but some can be control freaks so rather than let their DHs do something they do it.

Most mums i know work Full time
Most mums i know that work do it to save sanity.
What a attitude.

Maisymouse2 · 24/08/2026 06:30

upinaballoon · 23/08/2026 22:43

Because they're not cleaning the car, maintaining the car, wielding chain saws, putting up shelves, digging the garden, mowing the grass.......

Arent they
This is such a old fashioned minded response...i see many woman mowing
(British posters--- remembering this wirh the dumb sexist comments )

Nellodee · 24/08/2026 06:59

After getting married, my mil said, “Men need more time to just do their own thing than women, don’t you think?” I replied, “No, they just want it and expect it, but that’s just entitled sexist bullshit.”

When we had a vacation with them after getting married, fil started explaining how all the tech in the house worked to my husband and mil started showing me where all the cleaning supplies were. I said, “going to stop you there” and swapped out with my husband. He’s a massive technophobe, and he did most of the cleaning (I was seven months pregnant and breast feeding a one year old at the time).

Men are not at all afraid to set the patterns of the house in their favour if you let them. A very rare few will gravitate to an even distribution of chores on their own behalf. For the rest, if you want equality, you need to be prepared to advocate for it constantly without backing down.

I suppose it depends on what you consider an easy life. A lot of people are very conflict avoidant and so I suppose for them an easy life is doing all the housework and avoiding constant arguments. Personally, I’m happy to argue a whole lot in order to get a living situation I consider to be fair (and there certainly are a lot of arguments at my house). I can completely see why many people don’t want to fight those battles, particularly if the man in their life can be aggressive, intimidating, sulky or vindictive (which accounts for a massive proportion of them).

My in-laws love their sons a great deal. I don’t think they’re quite so enthusiastic about me.

MidnightPatrol · 24/08/2026 07:03

upinaballoon · 23/08/2026 22:43

Because they're not cleaning the car, maintaining the car, wielding chain saws, putting up shelves, digging the garden, mowing the grass.......

These are all occasional tasks though.

Cooking meals, washing clothes etc happen daily - often multiple times!

AtlasPine · 24/08/2026 07:05

Focusispower · 23/08/2026 14:24

I don’t get it either but it’s so ingrained culturally that it seems that even the most intelligent and independent women get caught in the trap post kids. My DH is excellent, he carries mental load and shares all the chores and probably does marginally more childcare. He sees what needs to be done and gets on with it, you can find him vacuuming in his lunch hour when WFH and he bakes a loaf of bread every other day, he will pack the kids bags and know what clubs they are doing that day etc.

But there’s still something about the thinking, planning and anticipating that I do that he just doesn't. He lives in the moment. He gets what’s on the list from the shops, he doesn’t hold a meal plan in his head, he gets an outfit out for the kids, he doesn’t think about whether or not to avoid putting DS in his favourite t-shirt for a messy activity. That kind of thing - sounds small but it adds up. It was fine before kids - but kids are so much about the thinking, planning and anticipating. Even with a committed, equal DH, it took us a good while to find an equilibrium and I felt mentally overloaded for a long time.

When I was on mat leave, I’d saved to continue to contribute to the household financially. I also made it very clear I was at home to look after the child and build my new life as a mum. Not to take on a housewife role.

Yes, this.

There’s also a higher tolerance level many men for mess/things not being cared for as well. We break before they do and get on with it.

babyproblems · 24/08/2026 07:06

PaperAirplanesFlying · 23/08/2026 14:15

Centuries of ingrained misogyny?

If you’re able to get away from that and set things up more equitably in your house/relationship that is great, but fundamentally the issue is that we live in a patriarchal
society and trying to spin it so that it sounds like a failure on the part of each individual woman is missing the point.

Omg this
No one mentions the huge context his debate exists in which absolutely has a massive impact on every woman even if some of
us don’t feel it strongly.

Backedoffhackedoff · 24/08/2026 07:09

upinaballoon · 23/08/2026 22:43

Because they're not cleaning the car, maintaining the car, wielding chain saws, putting up shelves, digging the garden, mowing the grass.......

Who does that in 2026? I pay someone to do all of that.

Nonunifiedworkerworking · 24/08/2026 07:12

Prefer to be doing the housework than sitting around doing nothing, partner has manual active job, mines sat at desk 8 hours, so it works well keeps me active , he's happy to do things if needed.

CurlewKate · 24/08/2026 07:15

Because, in general, men are shit.

PersephoneParlormaid · 24/08/2026 07:17

When we first lived together DH worked long days and had a long commute, so I did the housework, shopping and gardening. We shared the cooking on the evenings he was home to eat, having a glass of wine while we cooked. He did any DIY willingly. Then I was a SAHM while I had the kids, so I took it all on.
Fast forward to us being in our 50’60’s and DH is retired while I’m PT, he does no cleaning, says he can’t see dirt, only mows the lawn so I have to do the rest of the gardening, cooks begrudgingly once or twice a week, and only does the DIY that is absolutely necessary.
I can’t make him clean, he would happily live in a dirty house, but I don’t want to so my only option is to do it myself while I burn with resentment. And this is why I would never live with a man again.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 24/08/2026 07:18

AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 23/08/2026 14:30

Yes, definitely this.

But we also have a responsibility towards ourselves not to allow it.

However, pointing this out on MN often brings cries of 'victim blaming'.

No-one can wipe their feet on a person if they refuse to lie down and it happen.

Exactly. Women have agency. The odd thing is a lot of them seem unaware of this.

TheMoth · 24/08/2026 07:32

The trick is to find a man who left home early and therefore learned to fend for themselves. We're equal in this house and the dc see that as the norm. I work way more hours than dh, so he has to do more. Although it shifts in the holidays.

What happened to all the 'new men' of the 90s?

Rockettstg · 24/08/2026 07:34

ChocolateCinderToffee · 24/08/2026 07:18

Exactly. Women have agency. The odd thing is a lot of them seem unaware of this.

What gets me.. is that they have more children with him despite knowing (and even starting threads!) about how useless their partner is.

Rockettstg · 24/08/2026 07:36

Nellodee · 24/08/2026 06:59

After getting married, my mil said, “Men need more time to just do their own thing than women, don’t you think?” I replied, “No, they just want it and expect it, but that’s just entitled sexist bullshit.”

When we had a vacation with them after getting married, fil started explaining how all the tech in the house worked to my husband and mil started showing me where all the cleaning supplies were. I said, “going to stop you there” and swapped out with my husband. He’s a massive technophobe, and he did most of the cleaning (I was seven months pregnant and breast feeding a one year old at the time).

Men are not at all afraid to set the patterns of the house in their favour if you let them. A very rare few will gravitate to an even distribution of chores on their own behalf. For the rest, if you want equality, you need to be prepared to advocate for it constantly without backing down.

I suppose it depends on what you consider an easy life. A lot of people are very conflict avoidant and so I suppose for them an easy life is doing all the housework and avoiding constant arguments. Personally, I’m happy to argue a whole lot in order to get a living situation I consider to be fair (and there certainly are a lot of arguments at my house). I can completely see why many people don’t want to fight those battles, particularly if the man in their life can be aggressive, intimidating, sulky or vindictive (which accounts for a massive proportion of them).

My in-laws love their sons a great deal. I don’t think they’re quite so enthusiastic about me.

It is a miracle that your husband didn’t turn out like his father given the attitudes of both his parents!

Rockettstg · 24/08/2026 07:37

PersephoneParlormaid · 24/08/2026 07:17

When we first lived together DH worked long days and had a long commute, so I did the housework, shopping and gardening. We shared the cooking on the evenings he was home to eat, having a glass of wine while we cooked. He did any DIY willingly. Then I was a SAHM while I had the kids, so I took it all on.
Fast forward to us being in our 50’60’s and DH is retired while I’m PT, he does no cleaning, says he can’t see dirt, only mows the lawn so I have to do the rest of the gardening, cooks begrudgingly once or twice a week, and only does the DIY that is absolutely necessary.
I can’t make him clean, he would happily live in a dirty house, but I don’t want to so my only option is to do it myself while I burn with resentment. And this is why I would never live with a man again.

Edited

Why are you enduring this @PersephoneParlormaid ? It sounds like a very unhappy marriage and indeed life

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