Why do so many women in the UK, work full-time and also do the cooking cleaning and mental load at home..?

[GreenCandies]

Why ?

Why put up with it ?

On reflection, I knew one of them too, who would frequently call me "henpecked"! Maybe I'm just lucky that, on the whole, things seemed more civilised in the schools where I worked.

The consequences if it doesn’t get done, living in a pigsty, neglected kids, family who think you don’t care if you didn’t organise the birthday card/present etc, social networking that just wouldn’t happen

Personally I think a lot of men find the domestic side of things quite boring and perceive it as low status so the status quo suits them, why do they want to be seen as good at it? Also in my experience men are generally happy to support their partner’s financially rather than do this work but some completely underestimate the amount of work involved so don’t see any need to snd other families simply can’t afford for both to not work full time or the woman doesn’t want to not work full time or take on that role

I think to my dh socialising isn't that important, but it is to me and I see friends and family alot, so he wouldn't view the kids having play dates etc as important to their wellbeing as he doesn't consider it important

I'm not saying, I'm perfect or he's perfect
I'm just saying I feel our set up is to me fair

I've enjoyed many years of freedom and time with my children, if we did split he would continue working his very well paid job that's he's got to with alot of support from me

But I'd have more than enough

He will never be able to get that time back with the kids not that he wanted too

so he wouldn't view the kids having play dates etc as important to their wellbeing as he doesn't consider it important

not the sharpest tool is he

Because our mothers fought for equality. Congratulations on now being equal.

Because they allow it

I hope so. My kids grew up with only me as a single mum doing absolutely everything for everyone as there was no choice. They seem to be capable of dividing tasks in their own households, so they understood that there was more than one way of doing things, and they seem to know how to divide the jobs and childrearing without growing up with an example.

So what's your situation then ?

My kids BTW are one adult dc at uni and one 12 year old

It always seems to be the woman who gets the blame, when the reality is that the alternative wouldn’t have been any better for anyone either

Single parent
very happy
ex is my best friend and very involved.

Point still stands though… not the sharpest tool is he?

So you curtailed your Career and picked up more childcare and more housework because your husband had a job that financially allowed for this arrangement. You were happy with this. Great.

Do you appreciate this option may not have been available to you… and how do you think your husband would have fared if you had not been able to go part time but instead full time @GreenCandies ?

Watching this thread. Imo like @BigSkies2022 mentioned, it can happen very gradually, like the boiling frog analogy. Both earning well when we married (I earned considerably more to begin with) but then the babies arrived…I would say it was a mixture of weaponised incompetence on his part and using his work, hobbies and (towards the end) his MH as an excuse to get out of doing pretty much everything at home apart from remortgaging, and car/ house insurance. Everything (and I mean everything) else fell on my shoulders. I just got on with it (partly to do with conditioning from my own upbringing, I’ve had lots of therapy since). Long story short I finally divorced him. The children stayed with me. Two years after the divorce he re-married a woman with no children -who does absolutely everything for him. She’s welcome to him! My life is so much better now.

So why did you split then? And how old are your children ?

I think this option is available to alot of people if that's what they are passionate about choosing, we didn't have that level of income 19 years ago.
And it took alot to make it work
But I certainly don't think its right for everyone

I don't feel I've curtailed myself at all, as I've already said now running my own business my skills have increased massively. And there's been other perks like spending time with family members over the years that are no longer here.

So regardless of what people feel works for them, I'm simply saying I feel that our agreement is fair
Others are free to feel that that it isn't, that's their opinion and that's also fair enough

long personal story why we Split nothing to do with him being hopeless with housework or children.

If you had have had to work full time… how do you think your husband will have fared? Equality all the way?

I just can't see how you truly believe your situation is superior to anyone else's. You also have a useless husband, you just have less money than the women who work full time and complain about their useless husbands.

Yes I think you've got a good point there, it's like a huge amalgamation of things
Plus until you have children I don't think you can truly comprehend just how much work it all is and how a pp said even your evenings are now bath bed story rather than relaxing it going out, it's such a huge change all round

I get that
but I am saying that your Op is about both parents working full time

you didn’t work full time

how do you think your husband would have behaved if you HAD worked full time?

Are you OK, you seem to be taking it a bit personally
I'm glad for you if your happier split

Lots of ways to skin a cat

If I worked full time I personally feel I would have challenged alot of behaviour reported on here on this thread
But I can also understand why alot of people lose the will, as I've listened to what others have said on here, during this conversation about how they feel they didn't have the energy to fight their corner or they just wanted to come home and have a glass of wine or whatever
that's all i'm asking is why people don't challenge it more
That's all but I'm listening to others saying why some people feel it's pointless etc

“Are you ok”? 😆

So I guess you’ll never know how your husband would have behaved if you had worked full time (although the rest of us have a fairly good idea from your posts!)

I think it’s part of the reason more young women are choosing iIt to have kids (in addition to high house prices etc). Many have seen their DMs run ragged working full time but also ending up with more work of the childcare and household work and they are thinking “fuck that”. I think it’s a difficult process now when so many meet a partner at (say) university and have a similar life pattern to them then if children come along they can end up having to absorb the role their mother probably had in addition to their work life and they see their life is no longer similar to their partner’s. Having children feels more of a choice than an expection now.

Why don't you challenge your husband for - as you put it - not being interested in his children?

Choosing not to have kids I mean

You’re really naive if you think challenging it changes things.

what changes things is divorce. And the impact on the children is so serious, that’s not to be taken lightly.