Considering stopping work in my 40s due to overwhelm at home

[P1978]

I’m really struggling with managing work, children, the mental load, all the physical things I do at home. DH “helps” but takes no responsibility for anything. One child is starting a new school and one is a teenager (we are approaching GCSEs and he isn’t very confident / has struggled with being bullied / is emotional and needs a lot of support) and I always just feel so tired and fed up that I have to do everything for everyone. I’ve tried asking for help, delegating tasks, and things change for a day or two and then we are back to status quo. I work the same long hours as DH yet do all the cooking / housework the whole lot. He has more social time than I do. I sleep less. Anyway, I think I should stop working to give myself time to look after myself but I’m frightened it’s menopause rage making this decision.

Has anyone stopped working in their 40s and regretted it? Loved it? I’m worried about having no financial independence but at the moment I have no ability to do anything outside of the house / work so I’m trapped anyway.

DH thinks we can survive on one income by being more frugal than we already are. He is happy for me to quit because I will stop asking / nagging / begging him to contribute to the household. It will make his life easier if accept he does nothing.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve worked very hard for my job and have been in it for 26 years now. But Ive put so much weight on, I’ve been so overwhelmed, I find everything really difficult and I need to be able to look after myself too and I have no time at all to do this. If I stop working I can manage all the house / everything I do already and have a tiny bit of time to myself too.

But what if I throw it all away? All my years of work and the independence that work gives me? But I’m just becoming so overweight, exhausted and depressed battling every day. So difficult.

As a first step, have you considered asking to reduce your hours/ go part time, or asking for a sabbatical, or going on long-term sick leave due to stress

Then reasess how you feeling when you're less overwhelmed as a baseline and better able to make a decision

I would reduce hours or go part time rather than give up my financial independence… I would also insist that my husband does his share of things and outsource stuff… cleaner, gardening, food deliveries from gusto and supermarkets

I'd defintley consider going part time or reducing hours before I threw my career away.
It just sounds like you'll become a slave to your house and your husband will see this as a perfect excuse to do even less. And having to ask for money to do all the things you want to do for me would be soul destroying

You would be crazy to do this. Your DH is effectively forcing you to earn less because he’s a lazy man child. You’d be better leaving him.

And yes your DH will leave even more of the mental load and toil to you. Part time will feel great for about 6 months then you’ll really want to leave but can’t because you earn too little to do it. You’ll be taken for granted even more than you are now.

I did exactly this for the same reasons. However i was worried about a knock on affect for my cv if I decided to go back to work, and so I do sort of supply work for my old workplace and for a coupke of others- just keeping my hand in and my industry contacts up to date. However, I have since developed a life limiting illness and certainly will never be able to work full time again.

I loved it, but in December last year we lost 70% of our income as DH's company moved abroad. It's been terrifying financially since then.

I tried reducing my days but it just meant that I had to do a full time job in less time and on less pay as my workplace did not bother to employ another person.

I would look at any other options first.

Could you work condensed hours/part time/term time?

I would be worried that your DH is fine about you giving up now but what if he gets fed up of being the only financial provider? What happens if you want to go back to work later?

It feels like you are committing career suicide just to facilitate your Hs career and inability to pull his weight at home. I think you will regret it, especially since you don't have a supportive, caring and equal husband. Chances are that your marriage is not going to work out, then what do you have left? Probably not much in terms of savings if you have to live frugally and no career to pick back up. Go part-time if you can, but don't just stop working.

Have you asked DH to consider working part time, so he can help more without sacrificing his social life? Failing that, maybe a trip to the GP. You may get signed off for a few weeks giving you the headspace you need, or maybe they'll suggest HRT, which could help clear the rage and help you think straight.

It's a terrifying time of life to step away from paid employment.

This is so wrong. DH needs to sort himself out and if he won’t you will need that job to support yourself when you ditch him.

I would have absolutely no respect for someone who is willing to watch their wife run themselves into the ground and would happily let them give up everything just so they stop getting nagged to do their fair share!!!

Can you divert budget into cleaners / ironing / gardening / meal boxes instead??? That will be better financially than losing a whole salary.

This.

Don't leave your job.

Go on strike at home.

Giving up work entirely in your 40s is incredibly risky. Who knows what's around the corner and how will you save for a pension with no income?

Your husband really needs to step up as you're struggling, what an arse. Not unusual though. Reduce your hours if you can, but I'd really caution you against making yourself entirely financially reliant on a selfish man.

To do this would be to treat the symptom and not the cause. But otherwise, how is your financial situation / pension provision?

Please don’t give up your job and financial independence to facilitate your husband’s laziness.

You sound like you need a break though. You have the right to take unpaid parental leave (up to 4 weeks off per child per year up to a max 18 weeks per child when they turn 18) - this is a legal right, although your employer can change the dates you ask for if not operationally feasible. You also have a right to request (although not a right to have) a change to your work days/ hours/ location- so part time might help?

But ultimately your husband needs to pull his weight or pay for cleaner, ironer, gardener etc if he’s not willing to pitch in.

It will negatively affect your pension if you stop work entirely.

I would enforce a work to rule for anything your lazy husband won't do and outsource other stuff if you are able to.

Are you working full time? Part time would be a better ballance. I went to 2.5 days in my mid 30s and it works really well for me and the family.

Part time plus outsourcing stuff sounds like the right way to go. I feel a lot like this too but the balance was tipped by moving house to a doer upper. I would recommend to other people in my position not to do this - keep life as simple and practical as possible. I can't afford to go part time now but hopefully I can at least outsource things at some point in the future. For now, I have to accept that not everything gets done with regard to housework and garden.

Whilst working part time works for me , I have a DH who will always do his fair share. I’d be concerned if I were you at weakening your financial position when your DH has been really quite disrespectful to you so far. I’d carry on working if I were you and outsource cleaning and laundry. The cost should be split equally.

You feel trapped by all the drudgery at home. Don’t double trap yourself by being financially incapable of supporting yourself until you have reassessed your relationship with this useless man. Take some time off, annual leave/sabatical/sickness leave and make it crystal clear you have a timeline. Tangible changes are going to happen. If he doesn’t agree, you need to decide next steps.
Don’t chuck in26 years service at work until you can do it with a clear head and clarity on how your life and finances will look.

I agree with this advice apart from the long-term sick leave. This goes on your HR record and can severely affect your employability in future (whether with your current employer or another).

But going part-time or taking an unpaid sabbatical is a great way to get some breathing space without making an irrevocable decision.

If you can afford to quit you can afford a cleaner etc. Much better than giving up your job altogether. Go part time and outsource what you can.

"outsource what you can"

Alternatively, get the other perfectly capable people in the house to do their fair share of chores, and stop treating the OP like a skivvy.

Will you resent it though? Even if you stop work, will you get annoyed at doing everything? You still need time for you and self care. Some payback for what you’ve done over the years.

I think you should go part time rather than stop. Firstly really open up to DH without the kids around. Agree what tasks he will do and get him to commit to that.

Agree with above - particularly if you are above minimum wage a cleaner is likely to be affordable as an alternative to you quitting, won’t impact on your pension or you independence and will give you a lot of relief. Imagine if they came for 2 hrs a day, cleaned and prepped dinner for you….ask DH to split the cost.