Considering stopping work in my 40s due to overwhelm at home

[P1978]

I’m really struggling with managing work, children, the mental load, all the physical things I do at home. DH “helps” but takes no responsibility for anything. One child is starting a new school and one is a teenager (we are approaching GCSEs and he isn’t very confident / has struggled with being bullied / is emotional and needs a lot of support) and I always just feel so tired and fed up that I have to do everything for everyone. I’ve tried asking for help, delegating tasks, and things change for a day or two and then we are back to status quo. I work the same long hours as DH yet do all the cooking / housework the whole lot. He has more social time than I do. I sleep less. Anyway, I think I should stop working to give myself time to look after myself but I’m frightened it’s menopause rage making this decision.

Has anyone stopped working in their 40s and regretted it? Loved it? I’m worried about having no financial independence but at the moment I have no ability to do anything outside of the house / work so I’m trapped anyway.

DH thinks we can survive on one income by being more frugal than we already are. He is happy for me to quit because I will stop asking / nagging / begging him to contribute to the household. It will make his life easier if accept he does nothing.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve worked very hard for my job and have been in it for 26 years now. But Ive put so much weight on, I’ve been so overwhelmed, I find everything really difficult and I need to be able to look after myself too and I have no time at all to do this. If I stop working I can manage all the house / everything I do already and have a tiny bit of time to myself too.

But what if I throw it all away? All my years of work and the independence that work gives me? But I’m just becoming so overweight, exhausted and depressed battling every day. So difficult.

Moving costs a lot of money. Downsizing will provide you with less money than you think and not enough to live off in retirement. A pension is very important.

Please don’t give up work and I would be cautious about part time if you have a demanding job which never has an end point (as opposed to one where you log off and nothing builds up while you are off) - you will just end up working close to full time hours for part time pay…..

Absolutely put some boundaries in with parents/in-laws - literally ignore the requests/jibes about you not really working when WFH. They either don’t “get it” having not grown up in that environment or at worse being deliberately obtuse.

Bigger questions about your DH only you can ask yourself but 💯 get a cleaner, meal kits etc and DO NOT do any admin, present buying, organising for DH side of the family (if you are doing this!) If you want a social life, your DC are old enough to be left in the house for a few hours in the evening/weekend for you to meet friends, exercise etc Just do it - you don’t need permission or to organise anything with DH to cover childcare.

Absolutely not. Stay working and outsource what you can if DH won't pull his weight.

I absolutely need more help at home and I feel encouraged and have the confidence to ask for it now
OP, just to reframe this, you do not need ‘help’, you need him to fulfil his responsibilities- to parent and manage his home. It is no more your job than his. Perhaps you should do nothing other than ask him how you can ‘help’ him and wait to be directed? Sounds ridiculous? That’s because it is.

I can’t believe you are dealing with parents and in-laws too as well as working full time - get a cleaner ?3 times a week and possibly a cook maybe one or two days - completely blank anyone who might criticise - you are not a housewife you are a professional worker. You need to change your mindset.

The kids will grow up -life gets easier but DH doesn’t get to socialise if you aren’t, if he gets a night off so do you and he fills weekends and evenings doing things with DCs

Please reconsider the WFH two days a week. Not commuting can help a lot with the exhaustion and free up a bit of time for hobbies or exercise or whatever.

I get it - the emotional demands of teenagers and feeling mentally exhausted from people demanding headspace from you all the time (work, parents, teenagers) but the solution is not to give up work - it is a very short term fix for a longer term issue.

This absolutely!
what you need to do is go ‘part time’ on all the domestic stuff, cook 50% meals, do your own laundry only, and so on.

I’d take some annual leave to have a rest , employ more help at home /outsource more and let him know exactly why you’re doing that .
Going part time would be ideal if you’re able to do that but still keep the help since no one else is going to help in the house at all .
For a few different reasons I stopped working but I did have 3 children and one of them is disabled .
Despite the fact that I was run ragged ( the disabled child wasn’t in school full time as they needed to be taken to therapies ) I was expected to do absolutely everything to do with the house , children and pets and I mean EVERYTHING.
Plus was regularly reminded by him that it was “ his “ money .
And some relatives made ridiculous assumptions that I had such an easy life and time to myself ( I absolutely didn’t )
you don’t want to find yourself in that situation

You've said your husband thinks you could manage on one salary - what do you think? Have you taken a proper look at the household budget including costs that might be coming up like helping DC through uni?

The questions about pension keep coming up because planning on downsizing is a risky approach. First off people need a lot more money to fund a comfortable retirement than they would think (assuming you haven't run the numbers through a pensions calculator). Second, you leave yourself vulnerable to the housing market - around here we're experiencing a real bunching of prices where 'starter' homes are relatively quite expensive and larger properties are losing value. In that context it can be hard to generate a lot of capital by downsizing unless you are planning to say move from the SE to a much cheaper area or you have a very valuable property

I wouldn't . I know you have said you have tried to change things at home but you all really need to make that happen . Your husband and kids all live in the house . Everyone shares the load .
Outsource whatever you can - cleaning , food delivery etc . Take turns to cook the evening meal .
Try Mounjaro if you would be happy to and maybe also some HRT . You are so young to make yourself so vulnerable financially .
I could not be with a partner like your husband . It's not the 1950s.

I think the fact that the OP says she has a tiny pension means they are not actually managing on two salaries never mind one. If anything, if her husband thinks they can manage on his salary alone then the OP should use her salary to top up her pension for however many years it takes to bring it in line with his.

Oh honey, don’t leave your job when your husband has zero respect for you!

If you can’t advocate for yourself in your own home against this man-child… Leave him instead. You will have far fewer regrets.

The fact that you feel so overwhelmed that you cry is important. It means you are edging close to burnout. Don’t wait until you are unwell. Take some time off work on sick leave. It will give you space to think more cleatly to make a longer term decision you are happy with. I agree OP that stopping some household chores doesn’t work. It doesn’t lead to a desired outcome as the family esp the dh is too set in his ways and he knows you will cave first.

Please don't stress about your house being a bit untidy...if anyone complains then they can clean it themselves. It's not all on you! Your friends and family come to see you, not to judge you on your cleaning skills. A very house proud friend visited me, I apologised for the mess but she was lovely and said she was visiting me not my show home. DC made their own packed lunches from primary school age as they complained about the quality 😂

Sahm will be vulnerable, dependent on their husbands if they don't have their own pensions.

Leaving aside your main issue (that you appear to be married to a complete tosser).

Paying off a mortgage early is not advisable at the expense of paying into a pension. The money will (going by historical evidence obvs, not guaranteed) accrue faster capitalising in a pension fund than the same amount paid off a mortgage will save you in interest. To do this literally throws thousands away!

This.

Unless you have a passive source of income you would be mad to leave your job.

Alternatively (only half serious, not something to be taken lightly) divorce the useless blob. 1 less child to cook and clean for.

He will have to step up on his parenting days when he has 50% custody and you aren’t around. You will also get 50% of weekends to yourself.

Do not leave your job!

The pension question. If you divorce. If house prices crash. If you have any issues at all. A lump sum isn't the answer to retirement.

And many SAHMs are trapped in dreadful situations by finances. Sometimes it works. Often it doesn't. Which is why female poverty is rife in old age.

Don’t quit. Maybe you need 2 weeks off sick to reset and avoid a more serious burnout. Do NOT sacrifice your economic wellbeing to skivvy for these ingrates.

I understand where you're coming from, but this woman sounds very stressed - to the point she's seriously considering jacking it all in. Sick leave is there for a reason. If her work refuses to renegotiate her hours and won't support her to take a sabbatical (there could realistically be valid business cases against either/both options), long term sick is her only option to find some breathing space.
Yes it might affect her career in the future, but at least there's the potential of a future career in that scenario. And long term sick plus occ health might give her a stronger case to renegotiate hours on her return to work.

Exactly this.
And when your marriage inevitably fails, how easy will it be for you to go full time again or find a job from scratch to support yourself?
Get him to pull his weight or out source.

This^
I really wouldn't be giving up your job, you might never get another one! The job market is dire for women in their 50's
Just stop doing everything at home, you need to sit down with your DH and split everything 50/50, he is taking you for granted. Your ds needs to do his bit too.
I go easy on mine during exam times but otherwise he has do his share, I actually think it's important for them to have responsibilities, it instills a sense of being useful/needed and competent.

I think for now take the 4 weeks unpaid parental leave to see the summer holidays out and get a couple of weeks peace in Sept.

Use the time to systemise the house - meal plans, cleaning rota, responsibilities for everyone. Have a family meeting to discuss how you can work as a team better. Make DH responsible for things that impact him - washing his clothes, sports kits, lunches etc. Make sure kids are responsible for their own sports kits etc. Get a cleaner twice a week. Meal plan quick & repetitive options to relieve the mental load. Once people get bored of it you can have conversations about them taking a turn to make something they particularly want.

Book yourself into some exercise classes, or start couch to 5km, or ride your bike or whatever it is you enjoy & gets you out of the house. Commit to 3 x 1 hour per week and schedule it as non negotiable in the family diary.

Overall you need to take control, 4 weeks off is a decent chunk and then you can see how you feel with a clearer head.

How does any of what you have suggested equate to taking time off for the OP? So she needs to spend more time and energy than she already does on trying to negotiate with her husband to stop being abusive? She needs to try and train a grown man to wash clothes? She needs to create rotas and have conferences with her family to try and stop them treating her like a maid? And how will this give her peace, exactly?