Considering stopping work in my 40s due to overwhelm at home

[P1978]

I’m really struggling with managing work, children, the mental load, all the physical things I do at home. DH “helps” but takes no responsibility for anything. One child is starting a new school and one is a teenager (we are approaching GCSEs and he isn’t very confident / has struggled with being bullied / is emotional and needs a lot of support) and I always just feel so tired and fed up that I have to do everything for everyone. I’ve tried asking for help, delegating tasks, and things change for a day or two and then we are back to status quo. I work the same long hours as DH yet do all the cooking / housework the whole lot. He has more social time than I do. I sleep less. Anyway, I think I should stop working to give myself time to look after myself but I’m frightened it’s menopause rage making this decision.

Has anyone stopped working in their 40s and regretted it? Loved it? I’m worried about having no financial independence but at the moment I have no ability to do anything outside of the house / work so I’m trapped anyway.

DH thinks we can survive on one income by being more frugal than we already are. He is happy for me to quit because I will stop asking / nagging / begging him to contribute to the household. It will make his life easier if accept he does nothing.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve worked very hard for my job and have been in it for 26 years now. But Ive put so much weight on, I’ve been so overwhelmed, I find everything really difficult and I need to be able to look after myself too and I have no time at all to do this. If I stop working I can manage all the house / everything I do already and have a tiny bit of time to myself too.

But what if I throw it all away? All my years of work and the independence that work gives me? But I’m just becoming so overweight, exhausted and depressed battling every day. So difficult.

Take a 6 month sabbatical to have a break and then reassess. You'd be throwing away your career because of your husband's ineptness. That will cause resentment.

Your husband needs to do his fair share.

I work 3 days a week to DH's 5. I have done since we had DS(12). Obviously I do lots more housework and mental load stuff than DH but he still does some cooking and meal planning, his own washing and the financial stuff. We have a cleaner.

I'm also in my 40's. My tiredness isn't down to DH not doing his share.

Oh, and 12yo does his own washing and empties the dishwasher.

Do not give up work completely it will just mean that your DH will see it as the perfect excuse to do absolutely nothing and not even respond to requests for help. You will also make yourself financially dependent on him and isolate yourself. Consider reduced hours or compressed hours so maybe you get time away from work for yourself but you protect your financial position. I understand the temptation to give up work but in reality it will give you another set of problems to navigate but you will have reduced your ability to deal with them - lack of funds - lack of structure - lack of independence.

This is a drastic measure but its true that if you give up work you husband will do absolutely nothing and you will still be miserable but also have no financial independence. It's not you that needs to make a change, if he wasn't there your life would be easier, I am sure you don't want to leave him but he needs to understand he's not adding anything to your life as things are. Do you think if you have a proper frank discussion with him he will take it on board?

This!

I’d leave my husband before stopping work because he won’t do his fair share - rather suggest he gives up work / goes part time as he doesn’t not seem to be able to cope with work and home life at the same time like you can.
Practically, I’d suggest to go on strike for 2 weeks. Tell him it’s his turn because you refuse to be his servant any longer. Can you stop with your parents or an air bnb short term? If not, find some activities to do and only come home at bedtime and leave again first thing. If the place is a tip and full of washing when you get home, go away for another 2 weeks till the message gets through. Any complaints for him, ‘well, why are you fine to leave it to me for the other 50 weeks/ yr then?’

You're going to give up your career and independence to become a maid? Are you for real?! Get a robot vacuum, get a cleaner, get your groceries delivered, get a gardener and window cleaner. Drop 10% of your hours to give yourself some headroom. But for goodness sake don't become financially dependent on your useless arse husband.

I am blown away by your kindness in replying - thank you everyone.

Reading the replies, it’s clear that quitting swaps one set of problems for another. I have just asked work about parental leave while I take a bit of breather. I didn’t even know about this.

I have asked previously to reduce my hours But they refused as my role can’t be shared. They did agree to me working 2 days from home but this sometimes is worse and my family and parents and in-laws think I’m just “at home” and it makes other conversations harder. Ie - I’ve had a really tough week, oh but you were home on Monday and Friday. Yes WORKING.

Absolutely don’t give up working. You’ll be stuck if you do. Your DH will get more lazy and useless and you’ll end up resentful but trapped.

Giving up work will be the end of your marriage (if it’s not already nearly over). The resentment you currently feel for doing everything for everyone will magnify, and you won’t even have financial independence. Leaving will be difficult and you’ll be trapped.

stay in work.

This is excellent advice
I’d go off on sick leave and then consult with occy health and then negotiate to go back on part time hours.
you can then see how this goes - but 26 years is a long time and a lot to potentially loose when you’ve worked hard for this.

So your husband has absolutely no respect for you, and you think the best approach would be to make yourself completely financially dependent on him for the rest of your life?

In the nicest possible way, you need to stop putting yourself last and enabling this shit!

Your parents and in laws need telling straight. You are not available on WFH days. Too bad if they don’t like it.
Equally you just running yourself into the ground so your ‘D’ H can be a lazy, entitled arse is not sustainable- you feeling like you do now is proof of that
Quiting your job should be the last thing on your mind. Stop people pleasing and enabling other people’s wants at the expense of your health!

Sounds harsh but this is the reality of giving up work completely in your position.

So sorry they won’t agree to part time. Can you start looking for something else that would be more flexible? Appreciate it’s not an easy job market right now, plus applying takes headspace you are struggling to find.

I was widowed 10 years ago and work 4 days spread over 5, and take 4 weeks’ unpaid parental leave a year. Eldest is ND and needs extra support, and both require much taxi-ing around. Means I can keep the show on the road. But your DH is very much alive, so you really shouldn’t be doing as much as I do at home.

Hire in help and dont give up your financial independence

This sounds like a great idea.

Another vote for part time, perhaps see if there are any part time jobs out there if your current job isn't open to this.

Or tell DH to hire in help - he is the one that can’t do his share of chores after all

No. Do not do this.

Let him quit and pick up the household and childcare.

Or separate.

Of course he’s happy for you to give up work - it gives him an excuse to stay in lazy man child mode for perpetuity.

Easier than him having to act as a decent adult, husband and parent and carry his share.

What a selfish prick.

It is harsh but it needs to be said. One of my very close friends wanted to go on antidepressants a few years ago because she was really struggling and we had a conversation about it.

Turned out she wasn’t depressed, she was just being pulled in countless different directions at home and had absolutely no support from her husband and didn’t know where to turn. And “they” had discussed it and “they” had decided she was depressed and needed medication. To deal with the massive load he was placing upon her.

She wasn’t depressed. She didn’t need to be put on medication. She needed equality in her marriage. This thread reminds me of that. Women making massive decisions during times of crisis they have actively been placed into by their husbands.

Don’t do it op. If he is doing this while you are contributing to the finances then imagine what he will do if you aren’t and solely dependent on him. He will throw it in your face each time as you will be expected to take on double the load. The problem here is him. He is setting a very bad example and the kids are following suit.
My 10yo unpacks the dishwasher daily and packs the laundry too without even a complaint. He sees dh doing this and chores are just a normal thing in our home.

OP I think it would be worse if you gave up work. Your husband has basically said he wants you to give up working so that you don't nag him to help at home. Even though he already does nothing, that's not good enough for him. He also wants to never be asked to do anything.

Can you imagine how he'll be if you don't work. You'll be everyone's 24-7 skivvy and if you ever moan even a tiny bit, you'll be told you have it easy because you don't work.

Omg! This sounds like me!!

Don't give up work, OP.

Don't even go part-time.

Delegate, outsource, or just don't do anything non essential rather than give up your financial indepence.

No one will see or appreciate what you do unless you stop doing it.