Considering stopping work in my 40s due to overwhelm at home

[P1978]

I’m really struggling with managing work, children, the mental load, all the physical things I do at home. DH “helps” but takes no responsibility for anything. One child is starting a new school and one is a teenager (we are approaching GCSEs and he isn’t very confident / has struggled with being bullied / is emotional and needs a lot of support) and I always just feel so tired and fed up that I have to do everything for everyone. I’ve tried asking for help, delegating tasks, and things change for a day or two and then we are back to status quo. I work the same long hours as DH yet do all the cooking / housework the whole lot. He has more social time than I do. I sleep less. Anyway, I think I should stop working to give myself time to look after myself but I’m frightened it’s menopause rage making this decision.

Has anyone stopped working in their 40s and regretted it? Loved it? I’m worried about having no financial independence but at the moment I have no ability to do anything outside of the house / work so I’m trapped anyway.

DH thinks we can survive on one income by being more frugal than we already are. He is happy for me to quit because I will stop asking / nagging / begging him to contribute to the household. It will make his life easier if accept he does nothing.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve worked very hard for my job and have been in it for 26 years now. But Ive put so much weight on, I’ve been so overwhelmed, I find everything really difficult and I need to be able to look after myself too and I have no time at all to do this. If I stop working I can manage all the house / everything I do already and have a tiny bit of time to myself too.

But what if I throw it all away? All my years of work and the independence that work gives me? But I’m just becoming so overweight, exhausted and depressed battling every day. So difficult.

I agree with this. You will end up a full time skivvy with your entire life revolving around your lazy DH and your children. It sounds like a recipe for misery and resentment.

I remember when I was furloughed during the pandemic. DH wasn't. Quite reasonably I did the majority of housework and cooking. It was horrible. So boring and I felt like a skivvy.

I'm sorry that you are struggling so much but you really need to step back and do less for everyone else, give yourself a little more care and don't give up your job.
Your DH really needs to step up and do more in and around the house as do your kids. It might seem a little draconian but everyone needs to be given a list of jobs to do and they must do them - don't step in and do it for them. Allocate daily, weekly and monthly jobs to everyone (including you) your DH can do his own laundry/ironing and while he's at it - add in some of the kids while doing so. Washing up/cooking/etc are all shared out. Or do bulk cooking and if all your meals are the same three nights on the bounce - too bad!! If it makes your life easier go for prepared meals eg. Frozen/Prepared pie, frozen mash, frozen veg and gravy. These can all be cooked with little input from you or for that matter anyone else - just learn to read the instructions!! Plenty of choice in Iceland and only do one meal - eat it or go without should become your mantra!
If allocated jobs aren't done then let it impact everyone - DH doesn't do the laundry - he soon will when he's run out of clothes! Ditto the kids - if it's not in the wash basket when you do a machine load - they live without it or put it back on dirty! Certain things must become mandatory - last one to use the bath or shower must clean it and leave it clean for the next person. Absolutely nothing to be left in the kitchen sink - you use it - you put it in the dishwasher or wash it up.
If the kids don't put stuff away and leave it all over the house - pick it up and dump in a box at the bottom of the stairs - if the box isn't emptied by the end of the week then bin it!! Or alternatively, dump it in their bedroom and close the door. You don't need to clean up their messy rooms - they can do that!
If you don't do stuff for them and they ask why - you are not their skivvy.
If your home ends up looking like a tip - tell DH to clean it himself or employ a cleaner!. Your DH is being a lazy idiot so letting his attitude of allowing to give up your job to stop you nagging or moaning will backfire drastically on you as you won't even have your job to escape to when it all becomes too much.
Be selfish and put your things first - things that you find please you - for example you like all your stuff ironed and put away - so do just your stuff - at least you can go work clean and fresh. Being selfish on occasion can do you the world of good.

My advice is you sit him down and ask "do you want a divorce?"

If not....
Give him 3 days a week to do dinner and let him me the same things (have a winter and summer rolling menu )
The dishwasher give it to him. Give specifics - days to be run overnight amd must be uploaded pre 7.30
-mowing lawn Give specifcs on timings

Whatever else you can think of.
Call him up on it when he drops the ball.
Tell him its even more annoying for you than him when he gets annoyed.

Its pathetic but you are where you are.
You are in a war of attrition with this oaf....

Also do the fair play game. It will change nothing but at least shame him amd you can quote it back at him.

If no traction, id honestly look at divorce.

@P1978 what is your pension provision like? Have you paid into one (in addition to NI I mean).

edited for typo and to add bracketed text

Stop doing things that won't affect your DC, so don't do his washing, ironing etc, sort out his car tax, mot, appointments etc. Only do the absolute essentials. You both work full time and he's a grown up who's perfectly capable of doing things for himself. No clean pants and unironed shirts will soon focus his mind.

Leave your husband not your job!

If you give up work you still have to do everything for everyone and it will piss you off to think you are a housekeeper because your DH wouldn't take up the slack.

I did when my dd was going through a mental health crisis in high school. It was not an easy decision but was the best one for all of us at the time.

When I did it I did it with a husband who did his fair share - I didn't end up with sole responsibility for our dd and other kids - he did his share its just that we didn't have the worry of work or travel for work when dealing with school refusal etc. I was able to sit with her on the phone to a therapist outside the school instead of being on a work call. He still was part of the team and did his share at home. Also our finances were completely meshed and in fact I managed them. And I had built up an excellent pension as well. And he recognised the sacrifice I was making and was grateful for it.

I would not do it in your circumstances. First of all your husband is a lazy freeloader who doesn't appreciate the work that is needed to keep a family going - sorry but that is the truth. I would not put my financial future in the control of someone like that. Secondly he will do even less than he currently does and you will have no comeback at him. The same qualities that allow him to see his wife run herself ragged while he has a great old time are the ones that will let him believe he is more important than you because he is earning and that he is entitled to a skivvy at home.

Is there any possibility of taking a leave of absence for a while to catch your breath? Dropping to 3 days for a period of time? I would explore any option like this before giving up my financial independence if I were you.

I have been paying into a pension but it’s so small, I don’t think I could survive on it.

All suggestions are really very gratefully received. Though I’m not sure about the going on strike type one. I’ve done this on and off over the years and all that happens is the mess becomes unbearable, as do the piles of laundry etc, even the washing machine smelt bad for ages from having wet laundry left in it. And then every one is sorry, they help a bit but we are back to normal within a few days. So I’m not sure this works too well in this house. I also felt embarrassed at the state of the house if anyone popped over. I know that’s silly.

I’m really surprised though that absolutely no one has quit and thinks the extra time is worth giving up work for. I needed to see that the grass won’t be greener without work stress and that I need to keep going. I almost handed in my notice this morning too. Glad I posted instead.

I absolutely understand where you are coming from and I find the replies around leaving your husband very glib.

This clearly isn’t something you want to approach now but there are ways you can make changes to allow for an easier life.

Laundry - stop doing your DH laundry at all (I did this) and send all bed clothes / towels etc out via a laundry app.

Cleaner - Do you have one, if not then get one and if you do maybe get one extra session a week

Meals - None of us want to do convenience food but sometimes needs must. Can you tell your DH that 2 weekdays it’s up to him to do dinner BUT if it’s ready meals / nuggets etc , just go with it.

Parents and In laws - just make it very clear you are working and under pressure and weekdays are off limits . Full stop

You sound very nurturing and caring , I’m the same, and this can make you want to do everything for everyone but you can’t do all this and not burn out. You need to just pull away a little

Giving up work will seem like a good idea for 2-4 years but then what ?

You will give up your job for the job of a slave. Don’t do it.

Take some leave/go part time and get through these tough few months as best you can. You will be glad you didn’t give up work.
You are being a good mum looking out for your child, ask for support from every place you can.

Your husband has really let you down here.

What ages are your children roughly?

This is so out of order of your DH and you need to sit him down and tell him to pull his weight 50:50. Do not enable him anymore.

So stop doing any of his laundry. He is cooking three nights a week - tell him in advance which nights.

Get a cleaner.

There’s no reason why he should have more social life than you? That’s easy to sort. Tell him
at the beginning of the week when you’ll be out at the gym/cinema/with friends. He is gaslighting you by calling this nagging. It’s not - you are being assertive.

I stopped doing DH’s laundry. It’s an easy win. You just do yours and the kids. Then a cleaner/gardener/dog walker helps massively.

@P1978 I would not be against giving up work, but I’d want to be able to continue to make a pension contribution (or your DH to). Alternatively, as others have said, try to get your current role hours down - could you go to 4’days perhaps? Or
even 4 days’ hours but worked in 3 days? My friend does this - 28 hours in 3 days. Long days but only Monday to Wednesday.

Alternatively, a different job entirely, say 2 days a week - pay into your pension via salary sacrifice? You would have more non-work time then to do admin/house stuff/you stuff.

With a partner like this, I'd be tempted to tell him you have quit work entirely, so he shoulders the full financial burden, but continue to do some part time work, well within school hours, to ensure you have a bit of income and money set aside. It is grossly unfair that he has never taken on 50% of the work of running a home and caring for a family.

IMO, the wellbeing of our children (and ourselves) is vastly more important than material wealth, so as long as you can actually survive on his income, and won't have financial stress and debt added to the mix, definitely step back or down. Spend time building up your son's self-confidence, help him revise for exams, get the house running smoothly, make healthy food for everyone. And, as PP have said, take a good chunk of time for yourself.

However, ensure that DH still does whatever small things he does. Don't let him take even more down time while you skivvy away, unpaid. No good would come of that.

And then every one is sorry, they help a bit but we are back to normal within a few days. So I’m not sure this works too well in this house. I also felt embarrassed at the state of the house if anyone popped over. I know that’s silly.

OK no foundational tasks. And no referring to it as 'helping'. It's not helping. It's the price of living in a home. One thing that weirdly worked on DD is 'you don't want to be a shit flatmate that everyone hates. I'm skilling you up'.

And don't give up your financial independence for a lazy arse.

I agree with this.

If you do stay on at work, get help. A cleaner. A gardener. Someone to do the ironing. Buy Cook and similar good quality ready meals for several nights a week. Take the extra cost out of his income, since he has been freeloading off your hard work to the point of exhaustion. Don;t discuss it. Just do it.

Stop nagging him and silent quit. Go out to cinema with friends, to gym, book a day course at weekends without informing him or asking if this works for him. If he does, you do. Don't launder his clothes or towels. Don't stock up on foods and drinks he specifically wants. Never buy presents, cards, etc for his side of the family on his behalf, or remind him of appointments or important dates that are not relevant to you and your DC. No need to do any of this in a vindictive way, just rebuild your life closer to what you need it to be, without assuming he'll ever assist or support you in this.

I'd work very part time and keep all the money to myself in my savings so I have my own money, and spend the rest of my time looking after the house.

Get a cleaner and see if you can reduce to 3/4 days.

I have a separate question - Can I ask why everyone keeps noting the need to keep paying into my pension if I quit? I understand providing for retirement. But we’ve both been paying our house off for 20 years which is a joint asset and which I had largely hoped would provide for our retirement? We would sell it and move out / downsize.

I have a workplace pension and I put a small amount into it each month. Is it normal for a wife to quit work and expect her husband to pay into this? Do husbands of non-working sahms do this? I don’t think any of my sahm friends have husbands who pay into a pension for them? I thought / imagined everyone was really trying to pay off mortgages? I’m so sorry if this comes across poorly, I genuinely didn’t know this was a thing to ask for / expect.

I would go off sick with stress and I would also get some medical advice. I think you need a rest and some time to reset

Does your work have an employee help scheme? Or your pension have any benefits?

Also I’d look to identify what are your stresses?

cleaning? Can you get a cleaner
ironing? Can you send it out
kids prep for GCSES do they need a tutor

You say once has confidence, emotional issues. Is there a therapist, child coach to support with

I’d look at what are the causes, why are they causing me this. Could I afford to get some help in that area

Another one who would not give up her job here... We have a cleaner since we both work full time. DH cooks alot and does alot of the pick up drops off due to more flexibility in his role.
I think if he did bugger all I'd be even more determined to earn my own money and do whatever I could to carve out my own time no matter how small
Also try and start to save a little each week/month for yourself
A marriage is a team and I'm sorry that one member of your team is taking the piss out of you. He's supposed to support you and make your life nicer too
Might be time to think what you actually get from this marriage
Best of luck, it's bloody hard work keeping all that afloat and you're doing a grand job. But time to think about yourself a bit xx

I absolutely need more help at home and I feel encouraged and have the confidence to ask for it now. Realistically it would be more cleaning hours and some ironing. With my children, it’s less that they need tutors and more that they need me and that I want to be there for them. I don’t feel they get the best version of me or the patient happy version they deserve by the time I have commuted, get home from work and have cooked dinner etc. I’m always rushing, crying, struggling to fit everything in and I didn’t want to be this person.

A key driver for thinking about quitting was to try and find the person / parent I used to be before feeling so overwhelmed by everything.

I understand this is advice to help and indeed it probably would and no disrespect to this particular poster as there are plenty of the same but goodness it frustrates me.
OP is not sick, she cleans, she irons, she helps her kids. OP has a husband shaped problem. His laziness / disinterest / selfishness is making her sick, stressed, in need of a rest, a reset, medial advice, therapy.
Let HIM get a cleaner, sort out ironing, get a tutor…whatever is needed. OP already does everything. OP if you keep fixing everything why would he change? He has a great life with you slaving away around him. I don’t know how anyone accepts living like this. Why do you think this should be endured? Why is your worth not equal to his?
I am amazed at the nr of posters treating his selfishness as a fixed point - an immovable object to be worked around. Why? HE is the problem, he is the only one who can fix it. You need to make this problem a problem for him, whilst trying to keep the children as unaffected as possible. Only when HE is affected will this get fixed.