Considering stopping work in my 40s due to overwhelm at home

[P1978]

I’m really struggling with managing work, children, the mental load, all the physical things I do at home. DH “helps” but takes no responsibility for anything. One child is starting a new school and one is a teenager (we are approaching GCSEs and he isn’t very confident / has struggled with being bullied / is emotional and needs a lot of support) and I always just feel so tired and fed up that I have to do everything for everyone. I’ve tried asking for help, delegating tasks, and things change for a day or two and then we are back to status quo. I work the same long hours as DH yet do all the cooking / housework the whole lot. He has more social time than I do. I sleep less. Anyway, I think I should stop working to give myself time to look after myself but I’m frightened it’s menopause rage making this decision.

Has anyone stopped working in their 40s and regretted it? Loved it? I’m worried about having no financial independence but at the moment I have no ability to do anything outside of the house / work so I’m trapped anyway.

DH thinks we can survive on one income by being more frugal than we already are. He is happy for me to quit because I will stop asking / nagging / begging him to contribute to the household. It will make his life easier if accept he does nothing.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve worked very hard for my job and have been in it for 26 years now. But Ive put so much weight on, I’ve been so overwhelmed, I find everything really difficult and I need to be able to look after myself too and I have no time at all to do this. If I stop working I can manage all the house / everything I do already and have a tiny bit of time to myself too.

But what if I throw it all away? All my years of work and the independence that work gives me? But I’m just becoming so overweight, exhausted and depressed battling every day. So difficult.

I would walk away from the useless creep who thinks his job, life and time are more valuable than mine.

Hi OP, I wanted to offer a different perspective.
The 50/50 split of chores, life admin and the mental load is a very idealistic view and I don’t know anyone who has this yet mumsnet is full of them! None of my friends have husbands who do 50%, my dad didn’t, nor did my father in law so please just think about that and your own circle of friends/family and if this is really feasible. My husband works 12+ hour days, travels a lot and does contribute around the house but not 50% and I wouldn’t expect him too either - it’s just not real life. A true marriage and partnership isn’t 50/50 all the time, there’s always fluctuations.

As for thinking about giving up work, I get it and lots of my friends feel the same so you’re not alone. What I would suggest is listing out a daily, weekly and monthly routine IF you were to stop working. Would you be able to see friends/family for social interaction? Could you factor in exercise, a walk, doing something that you enjoy and is just for you so you don’t get lost in chores and solely doing everything for everyone? What would your days and weeks look like? Could you do some studying or upskilling for the future? This might help with structure and the reality of not working.

And of course, sort out finances and pension contributions so you aren’t left in a vulnerable position.

Anyway, good luck and just wanted to offer a different response to what you’ve been given and ultimately, you know what’s best for you and your family, no one else.

No that’s not what I said.

She doesn’t need to train him to do anything; just get clear in her own head what she is willing to be responsible for and what she is not. Once she has that clear she can communicate it ONCE and then never think about his washing (or any other task she chooses) again. That’s why I suggest choosing ones that impact THEM, not her.

Read the Let Them book by Mel Gibbons. OP needs to start thinking of herself as an individual with needs & wants, not just a household slave. But that change needs to come from HER, not them.

And I maintain that 4 weeks off work will relieve pressure and create space to think about this stuff more and create a sustainable change

(Maybe more than 4 weeks will be needed… but those 4 weeks are immediately accessible and legally her employer can’t refuse, so path of least resistance is to do that first and see how it goes). Keep as many options open as possible for now. She can still look to in return part time or whatever at a later date.

I agree in real life the split is very rarely 50:50, but the OP clearly needs 1) a better balance than she has right now and 2) some headspace to work out exactly what she does or doesn’t want.

Maybe the solution will be a different job, with a shorter commute or more WFH, or a 3pm finish. No one can answer that right now but we CAN say that she needs to take a step back and jump off the roundabout before the whole thing spins out of control

Thank you for taking your time to help me frame and think about this before making a decision it seems I could regret. I’m so grateful for your perspectives and that I didn’t hand in my notice as a result of asking here first.

I spoke to work about using parental leave (which I didn’t know about at all). I can take 8 weeks this year, 4 for each child and I’m going to do this first to give myself some headspace to breathe and think a bit more about what to do. I also think each period of 4 weeks is a good test run to see how much my husband does in this time, will it be less than what he does now because I’m not working.

I’ve started pulling together a list of chores and allocating them but I have to say even doing this (like one poster mentioned) made me feel a bit like why am I having to do this on top of everything else but it is what it is.

I didn’t reply yesterday because I felt a bit down that everyone has got it figured out and I felt a bit like I’m failing but @Youmeandacupoftea has made me feel a little less like this.

I also have relatively recently looked for a new job but despite having a good cv and great experience, the job market for a nearly 50 year old woman is, sadly, as you’d expect. So I think, in quitting, I’d be accepting that I’m stopping work unless I make some drastic career change.

It’s more this feeling of where I could cope 5 years ago with exactly the same set up, all of sudden, I’m tired and sad and cross about the place I’m in. I started hrt a few years ago but haven’t found this to be quite the fix I hoped for (I have had doses adjusted etc over the years). But I hope parental leave will give me some breathing space.

Taking parental leave sounds like a great step to get some headspace, OP. Its a legal entitlement so you should use it!

You absolutely aren’t failing @P1978, you’re burnt out under the weight of everything you’re carrying. All the 40 something women in my life are stressed out to varying degrees because of working, raising children and running a household, all of which are full time jobs in themselves. Yes we should be further forward in terms of equality by now but the reality is that the majority of us are not there, we have (often accidentally) fallen into gender stereotypical roles and we’re drowning in it all. I work term time and have fantasised all summer about giving up work!
The parental leave is a great first step, it’ll give you the headspace you need and also a decent reality check. Come back to the thread either during or after it to keep us updated - I’m rooting for you.
And also, please try to be kinder to yourself. It’s not that you can’t cope from 5yrs ago, it’s that you’re 5 years older, so are your kids, the world has changed (cost of living explosion is a big one) in that time and your priorities have shifted. Think about what you’d say to a friend if they were feeling like you do and say that to yourself 🩷

F

In order to really understand the level of problem with your partner and also establish personally what the issues are, where you need help and what that looks like, you need clarity. Hard to get clarity when the OP is clearly burnt out.

Also going off sick is better than completely quitting her job which is what she’s asking