Was I wrong to borrow from my mum's account and repay it?

[Acaciagirl]

Hi,
im 46 divorced and spend a lot of time looking after my mum. She’s 80 and has some issues- mobility etc. she’s also getting confused over things- this being investigated.

I have power of attorney over her money and health. She has a property worth 300k ish mortgage free, about 200k saved and a very good monthly income,

I struggle financially and have, on occasions borrowed from mums account and then paid it back asap. I’ve not asked mum beforehand as she’d worry however I know that she would always help me.

I mentioned this to a friend who said that what I’ve done is terrible and that I should be ashamed. I feel awful now. I’ve never taken money with the intention of keeping it, I’ve only ever borrowed. How do I live with myself now.

Well if shes invoked power of attorney
That means her mum doesnt have capacity
To look after her own financal affairs .

So far the mum hasn’t suffered because the OP has always paid the money back. But it is still illegal, still an abuse of her power and I think the OP will continue to literally use the bank of mum because she has so far got away with doing it.

What happens when you take too big a bite from the cherry OP, and can’t pay it back? What will you do then?

No this is not OK. I understand about worrying her my family member recently borrowed from my grandmother and she had a meltdown and kept saying she needed to sell her house to help everyone which was not needed at all. But you're actually abusing POA. You need to be honest with her when she's lucid.

To take money without consent is obviously stealing.

I’ll never do it again. I’ve repaid it all now

Bless you, you sound like you're struggling. Obviously what you're doing is a bit naughty, but you are paying it back so.......

Even so, as pps have said, please tell your mum. I imagine she will help won't she?

I know what you're doing is wrong, so I would stop. Ask her for help.

It’s not OK, but you’ve learned that now. As long as you don’t do it again no harm has been done. I would forgive yourself and move on.

Does she have capacity? You could find yourself in trouble unless there was a pattern of loans/repayments before you took on poa.

This exact scenario has been posted before

If you get stuck again for money, speak to her while she's still lucid. Get it written down that she's happy to lend long as you repay otherwise don't do it op. It's a right headache and illegal.

It’s abuse of power and theft.

OP, whilst this may be the wrong thing to do legally, I don't think it's as terrible as people are making out. Your mum would give you the money if you asked, you've always paid it back, it's never affected her life...no harm done. Don't do it again because of the legal implications but honestly, don't beat yourself up. You're not a thief, you're not a bad person. Misguided perhaps. Put yourself in your mum's position... would you care? If I was the mum and this was one of my adult children in the future I wouldn't care one jot and I certainly wouldn't consider it theft. Obviously now you've realised it's the wrong thing to do, so you won't do it anymore. But please sleep soundly at night, you sound like a lovely daughter.

It has a few months ago

Are you the only person to inherit from your mum?

You know its wrong, you wouldn't have asked otherwise.

But if there are others that are going to inherit this money then you are likely to get yourself in a spot of bother.

My dear old nanna died a few years back, her two children took control of her accounts long before she passed. They inherited the bulk with small amounts to go to grandchildren.

When she passed there were a lot of probate issues as there were some very suspect transactions going on when she was alive by her son. One of which is still being contested now, 3 years later.

I'm pretty sure this probably happens a lot so more than one person will post about it.

COL is bad and people get desperate.

Doesn't mean its the same poster.

This

Ironically, if she didn’t have Power of Attorney, it would be less serious and many families in that situation would be the same as yours. Unfortunately in this case, the OP is bound by different standards because she is exercising POA, and so there are strict rules about what is and isn’t lawful. This is not lawful in a POA situation, however any of the parties feel about it.

She’s your mum and i doubt that she would mind. Everyones saying it wrong but between a mum to daughter, it probably isn't a big deal depending on your relationship (if you were my daughter i wouldn't care, life is hard) BUT its the situation that can be worrying from an outside perspective, especially where the culture is different.
You know your mum best, if she is of a sound mind to ask (and you feel bad) you probably should do that, even though you don't want to worry her.

Going against the grain - yeah it's illegal but I would still do it in your situation.

I have a similar relationship with my Mum. We're very close. Over the years I've helped her and she's helped me, practically and financially. I'm her only surviving child and I do a lot for her, and I know she would give me the shirt off her back if I needed it. But I also know that she would worry if she thought I had bills I couldn't pay, and she'd insist on paying them for me. If I needed money, and I was in a position to pay it back without it ever impacting on her, I would borrow it.

Don't worry about it OP. If you know your Mum wouldn't mind, and you've paid it all back, you've got nothing to feel bad about.

I’d be fine with my DC doing this.

What an awful abuse of power for someone vulnerable who has put their trust in you.

You asked how do you live with yourself now, but how did you live with yourself before?!

You live with yourself now by not doing it again and/or suggesting someone else takes on POA.

Abusing your trust?

OP I understand you - but it’s not right.

I have a JOINT account with my parent and in the past I have verbally informed them - followed by a text and clear references - when I transferred out of it.

It’s not “a bit naughty” it’s theft. That money belongs to her mother, it sounds like a lot, but if her mother needed full time residential care in a really good care home at several thousand pounds a week that £200,000 would barely last two or three years.

She has taken money from an elderly confused woman, who happens to be her mother. If she was a carer taking money from an elderly confused woman who wasn’t her mother would you also call that “ being a bit naughty” or would you acknowledge that it is deceptive, underhand and deliberate theft.

Please don't worry about it any further - there is no point.

You borrowed money and repaid it. You have not stolen anything. You are not going to do it again. You won't be in any trouble because you have repaid it.

No harm has been done and you're not intending to do it again. As a PP said, forgive yourself and move on.