How can I be sure I'm not his retirement plan?

[800wow]

As sure as anyone is?

I'm comfortably off in middle age, and have been seeing a man for nearly 2 years. He's lovely we have a great time together and also enjoy time doing our own thing. We don't live together and never will (been there done that, not doing it again).

He pays his way and we are able to do lots of nice things without worrying about money. Our finances are completely seperate, his money is none of my business beyond the fact that he pays his share, but I suspect he's much more live for today than I am. He doesn't own his own home for example, having never wanted to be a homeowner.

As we're starting to look like this is a long term thing, I've started to ponder what would happen if/when he can't work.

I've made it clear we won't live together and he's accepting (happy) with that but at the same time, we probably both know that if it came to it I'm not going to see him on the streets. It was supposed to be a bit of fun, but has gone beyond that now.

His finances are none of my business but it is starting to feel like they do affect me. That said, am I going to finish with him because he doesn't have adequate pension arrangements?!

I am a bit of a catastrophosizer. Is this a valid concern and what, if anything should I be doing avout it at this stage?

Obviously you're not living together at the moment, and you've made it clear to him that you never want to share your home with him.

That's all he needs to know, and he needs to make sure he can continue to afford rent on his pension.

Is he perhaps expecting some kind of inheritance before he retires?

Look, I don't see what's actually wrong with talking about finances. Just talk about when he might want to retire, and what that might look like to him. You don't need to know specifics or see his bank statements, just that he has a plan.

It sounds to me that you're terrified of the fact he might need to live with you - that needs to be addressed, as the relationship can't be great for you to feel like that.

I just don't want to live with anyone, at least in part to protect things for DC. If I did, he'd be a good option, day to day at least, if not financially.

Well maybe it might be the OP who ends up needing to be looked after in the future, who knows. If the OP doesn't have any intention of sharing her house with anyone then there's no point worrying about what ifs.

Look op, I don't know what more to say, you have been together for two years not two weeks, you should know by now every aspect of his life.

At this point not to know even the basics is negligence on your part.

He doesn't work loads

I bet he doesn't work loads...he is very, very part time.

And yet you see this as positive because he can spend more time with you? Honestly op. He doesn't work loads, because there is no real work to speak of, and you need to find out how he is funding his life. He could be doing anything, and just because he is charming and sunny you are accepting him at his word.

Every successful freehancer I know works every hour god sends as they don't know where the next pay cheque is coming from.

I think someone/or something has drawn your attention to the fact he isn't a good sort, or you are being taken advantage of and you have posted on here looking for reassurance.

You like the idea of this arty, floaty man that hopefully has wealth in the background and has no ties and find him very charming, but your instincts are telling you otherwise (and perhaps your children and family too)

You are too scared to find out who he really is, because it will probably mean the end of the relationship.

We do often read horror stories on here about absolute cock lodgers but this man seems the very opposite. He has his own income, own place and always pays his way - and doesn't even want to live with you.

And you seem to be fretting about a hypothetical situation that may realistically only happen in 20 years time! In 20 years, several things could have happened - he could have the money from half of his parents' huge house. You two could have split up. You could have fallen madly in love with him and be desperate to cohabit. You or he could have been hit by a bus...

if the prize is big enough then it may be worth playing a very long game!

What if he is kicked out of his rental tomorrow? Will it be 20 years then?

You're considering ending a relationship with someone you never plan to live with on the off chance he may become homeless? Despite having no knowledge of his savings or pensions but knowing that he can now pay his way, keep a roof over his head and have nice holidays, you have jumped to you being his retirement plan?
It sounds like you are sabotaging. Do you have a history of doing that with relationships?

totally agree but I don't think its a good idea to sleepwalk into the situation either

He wouldn't be kicked out of his rental tomorrow, there are laws in place to protect that. I'm sure a mature working person with years of references for renting could find another place.

So everyone who thinks I should know all about his financial situation by now, should I also have told him all about mine?

The main reason I haven't asked, and that I shut him down when he wanted to talk about his, is because I didn't want to tell him what a good catch I am 😆

Well if he's kicked out of his rental tomorrow (highly unlikely) then his parents have an expensive house that he can live in until he finds something else.

If you wanted him to move in you could have a lodger agreement which protects your property from claim.

This whole thing is so weird. How can you be in a relationship with someone you seem to know almost nothing about?

I agree with all of this. And if he's late 40s this could be 20 years off or more, given the ever rising pension age - anything could happen in that time really, to either of you or the relationship.

The main reason I haven't asked, and that I shut him down when he wanted to talk about his, is because I didn't want to tell him what a good catch I am 😆

You are retired with your own home. That will be already clear to him. You need to have that chat but you don't need to disclose any more than he already knows about you which is that you own a home and don't need to work. What about him, he's a part time freelancer in rented accommodation who likes holidays. He's got with a well off older woman. Proceed with caution.

One thing I don't understand is that you now see it as your responsibility that he shouldn't be homeless in the future. That is his problem not yours.

She doesn't have to say yes to housing him even if he asks - and this prospect could be the same with absolutely anybody, even a homeowner if they fell on hard times/interest rates rose again etc. This is a man in his 40s with an apparently decent income, he has the means to find his own home.

Then don't be persuaded! It doesn't really matter what his circumstances are, if you are sure in yourself what you want.
He can only move in with you if you let him. It's quite easy to just not do that.

Is it easy to say no?

This is a widow whom does not work, she is only in her mid fifties and that tells anyone more than enough information about her financial position. He doesn't actually need to know anything else, as it is obvious.

He also knows she is very kind hearted and works in homeless shelters, so it seems to me to be very unlikely that she would leave him on the streets and just say no, as if it as easy as that! Of course he knows he she is very unlikely to do that.

I feel like I can already tell op that he is going to say his work is very light at the moment, and he is at her house all the time anyway, of course he will keep things entirely separate but he will spend more time there going forward.

The landlord can serve notice at any time, they not obliged to keep op's dp in his rental, and yes he would be out. Where would he go? His partner of many years would be the obvious choice.

I think many are underestimating how difficult it is going to be for op to say he can't stay for a 'few months' whilst he finds somewhere new.

Shelter will tell you anyone can end up homeless. It just takes the right combination of bad luck and it can happen really quickly. So people saying it won’t happen are just uninformed. And you’re right, men are low down on the support list!

Time to talk to him about your plans for the future. It’s not weird you haven’t already had conversations that go into all the ins and outs of both of your finances, but it is time now. Good luck!

OP, yanbu at all to speculate.
Ignore the posters that want to make you feel unreasonable.
I suggest it may feel personal to them!

When one has worked and made provision for the future, purchased and maintained a home, it is not beyond the realms of likelihood that they become a good option.

My golf club buddies speak about the widowed men being so determined to find a solvent women to provide home comforts.

My friends, mostly widowed, often having cared for a spouse have zero interest in ever doing it again.

These men are persistent and have to often have it really spelled out to them.
They are often former golfing buddies.

My bff of 50+ years lost her fab BIL 6 weeks ago and he made great provision for her sister that she has a great DIY guy, that will be paid for anything she needs.

Their home was totally future proofed.
His lovely friends have been so respectful, but she has had a few texts! from others.

She is playing golf 50 years so well able, and was a very firm Lady Captain several times, but still it is bemusing, only weeks after he was cremated.

In a decades time if his circumstances changed, could you see him badly stuck?

Yanbu at all to give this serious thought.
Women give so very much, it really is ok to be at a point in your life to be very very selective about whom you may be required to give to in the future.

Vultures - same thing happened with my own SIL (also attractive, early 50s) best of all world for them. No downside at all, and potential upside could be life changing for them.

If he's coming round to yours and he knows you've retired early he can definitely work out how affluent you are. You can put someone's address into Google and get how much they paid for their house!

If he wants to talk about money let him, it sounds like you need an honest conversation to reassure you at the very least.

Sounds like he's had a nice life and if he's childfree then less responsibility and doesnt see why he should have assets to leave to some distant relative.

He may have some arrangement with his parents, or be planning to get a full time job for the pension.

He may be earning Ok from the freelance work or have made some good early investments.

Some of the richest guys I know aren't obviously in "professional" roles but did things like invest well or get an inheritance in early 20s which set them up for life (one bought Bitcoin).

They just look like normal blokes in their 40s.

Or he may be a standard cocklodger. Who knows until you get more information?

Following this thread as I'm in a similar position. I'm too old to think that love conquers all. It wouldn't just be naive but also irresponsible to think like that.

I think I've come to the conclusion that, regardless of what I want, my situation is not sustainable and that is upsetting.

Why are you wondering what will happen in 20 years. You might not even be with him. Hes not your responsibility end of.