How can I be sure I'm not his retirement plan?

[800wow]

As sure as anyone is?

I'm comfortably off in middle age, and have been seeing a man for nearly 2 years. He's lovely we have a great time together and also enjoy time doing our own thing. We don't live together and never will (been there done that, not doing it again).

He pays his way and we are able to do lots of nice things without worrying about money. Our finances are completely seperate, his money is none of my business beyond the fact that he pays his share, but I suspect he's much more live for today than I am. He doesn't own his own home for example, having never wanted to be a homeowner.

As we're starting to look like this is a long term thing, I've started to ponder what would happen if/when he can't work.

I've made it clear we won't live together and he's accepting (happy) with that but at the same time, we probably both know that if it came to it I'm not going to see him on the streets. It was supposed to be a bit of fun, but has gone beyond that now.

His finances are none of my business but it is starting to feel like they do affect me. That said, am I going to finish with him because he doesn't have adequate pension arrangements?!

I am a bit of a catastrophosizer. Is this a valid concern and what, if anything should I be doing avout it at this stage?

I knew a couple who grew old together but didn't get married or live together, she had lost her first husband, but was with this man for 20 years, but at no point did they live together, she was very strong willed and had absolutely no intention of ever living with another man.

All long as you are perfectly clear that you will NEVER live together (even if he does fall on hard times), then you will have no issue saying no if the time comes, he has family and parents. You don't need to find out his future plans, he could lie anyway, so it's pointless, you just need to make it perfectly clear your plans will never involve him living with you.

So it's really down to you, my relative was adamant they would never live together, but they had an extremely happy life in retirement, travelling, seeing friends/family etc, he nursed her through cancer in the end, it can be done.

Be honest with him, ask if he has a plan for retirement, and make it clear if he is short of money in retirement he can't move in with you.

Oh come on! He can't even afford a house! He very clearly is not paid well, no one in their late 40's is going to voluntarily opt out of the housing market if they could afford to buy. No freelancer gets paid 'well' if they don't work, by definition they are self employed and get paid zero unless they put in the hours.

Why are you engineering the truth? Assuming he is paid well, when he is in a rental house with no assets that are obvious at all, and he has hooked up with an older widower whom has considerable wealth.

And I wouldnt tell him either. However, if you are retired before 50 and live comfortably etc, then you don't have to be mastermind to work out that you are doing well financially.

He'll already have worked it out.

I would end it, as he can't afford to rent once retired and 100% will look to you. Or leave you for someone how will house him.

I've never dated someone who rented. Being financially capable of buying a house is top of my list. (I was always a homeowner, so expected my partner to be too).

I can't see a problem. He is paying his way and not tapping off you.

If he starts asking for money or to move in then you just say no, and if it persists you end the relationship.

But as he has given no indication that this would be the case I wouldn't worry about it.

If it was that simple why would op need to post? It's almost certainly because she doubts her ability to see him on the streets if things go badly for him in the future. I am sure she has thought about just saying no, and would feel awful about it. Also the longer you are with someone, the closer you are become, it isn't as easy just to walk away.

Reading what you've written here, although you have feelings for this bloke, I don't think you love him, and it's probably kindest to let him go,

I think 2 years is still quite early days and you will start to see his intentions over the next couple of years once the initial honeymoon period wears off. Either you'll start to notice him working less, relying on you to pay more etc or it will carry on as it is now and he has no nefarious intentions. Just keep mindful but meanwhile enjoy the fun times.

Sure, possibly. But she's also said he has no intention of moving in with her and we've leapt to "he's playing the long game".
Making stuff up isn't helping.

All that may be true but she's clear she doesn't want him to move in. She's said he doesn't want to move in.
So why the leaps? No problem.

Well, you’ve got more to lose?

Who aid I'm 47? I said he's late 40s and I'm 7 years older. Lots of people have made stuff up but that's pure imagination.

Yes, maybe it's a life stage thing. He wouldn't have been for me when I was young and looking to settle down and have a family, but now the fact that he never has and doesn't come with an ex and children is something of a bonus. But, I still need to know I'm doing what's right for my DC regardless of how happy I am with him.

Do you think people on MN, mostly women, might feel a bit protective of you, @800wow?

Rely on me to pay more? He never has relied on me to pay for anything ever. If he did I'd notice.

I don't know the details of his work, but from but he has said I think when he does a day's work he gets roughly the same as I would have for a week in my public sector job. He doesn't work particularly hard because yes, it's difficult to get enough work to be full time employed, but also because why would he if he earns enough to have the lifestyle he wants? There is never any indication that he's struggling for cash. Probably he wouldn't get a mortgage because of his employment status, but that doesn't mean he's broke.

He's not concerned that he's renting, that's all me.

By making up my age?

One poster got it wrong. Others are concerned for you.

I think the problem (and a valid concern of yours) is that even if you have a discussion, how to you know if he's telling the truth? Answer: You can't ever know for sure. And what is true today may not be true tomorrow with someone who is a 'live for today' type.

I think the best you can do is to have a discussion that's basically "plans I have made for old age" to see if he really has any. Where does he envision living if the time comes he can't live independently? How does he plan to pay for it? If he says he hasn't thought about it then you need to seriously reconsider the relationship unless you know for an absolute certainty that you would never allow him to move in, no matter what.

As far as a financial 'exchange of proof' you still might not learn everything, or what you learn may not be the complete truth. But as a newly 'semi-single' (legally separated) 'financially secure woman of a certain age' it'll be a cold day in hell before I showed my financials to an unrelated man! Even my sons don't have complete knowledge, they just know 'where everything is' and where my living trust papers are.

At this point I have absolutely no desire to meet anyone. If a man fell into my lap today I'd dump him on the floor and sweep him out the door. Mine isn't so much that I worry about my financials, I just don't want the expectations that most men of my age seem to have on what a partner should be and do. If I find I need companionship, I'll get a canary.

Him saying he's renting just for the convenience of it seems unlikely? unless he was building up savings.

Maybe you have now reached a point where you are thinking about your future with him OP. You need to ask him, not amounts but what is his financial plan for his future?

Apologies, I did correct in in a subsequent post, I read it as he was 40 not late forties, but even if he is 49 you are fully retired at 56 and presumably have been since you met him two years ago, so the age is wrong but the point very much still stands.

Not many people get to fully retire in their 50's unless they never need to work again.. do you genuinely think he hasn't put two and two together?

If he's got to the career stage where he has the reputation where he can earn a good day rate then that's your answer? Why not talk to him and let him tell you about it?

He may well have chosen to earn a lot for a period of time earlier in his life and invested it.

Property is sometimes a good investment but not always - if he liked moving around and having flexibility and knew how to invest he may have chosen to put housing money somewhere else instead.

If you're not planning on living somewhere for 5-10 years buying isn't automatically a great investment. Plenty of nations have affluent citizens who rent mainly (Swiss).

His work now may be just to cover his costs.

I wasn't suggesting he's relying on you now to pay for anything, you already stated that he's not. Your original question asked if he saw you as his retirement plan, my point was that if he starts to let you pay for more as the relationship progresses then that might give a red flag as a possibility, if he carries on as he is now then that is unlikely. You never know what the future holds, enjoy your time together, protect your assets by not marrying but other than that just have fun and worry less!