How can I be sure I'm not his retirement plan?

[800wow]

As sure as anyone is?

I'm comfortably off in middle age, and have been seeing a man for nearly 2 years. He's lovely we have a great time together and also enjoy time doing our own thing. We don't live together and never will (been there done that, not doing it again).

He pays his way and we are able to do lots of nice things without worrying about money. Our finances are completely seperate, his money is none of my business beyond the fact that he pays his share, but I suspect he's much more live for today than I am. He doesn't own his own home for example, having never wanted to be a homeowner.

As we're starting to look like this is a long term thing, I've started to ponder what would happen if/when he can't work.

I've made it clear we won't live together and he's accepting (happy) with that but at the same time, we probably both know that if it came to it I'm not going to see him on the streets. It was supposed to be a bit of fun, but has gone beyond that now.

His finances are none of my business but it is starting to feel like they do affect me. That said, am I going to finish with him because he doesn't have adequate pension arrangements?!

I am a bit of a catastrophosizer. Is this a valid concern and what, if anything should I be doing avout it at this stage?

That might be ok now
but if labour get their way and bring in cohabitation laws he may well have a claim in the future

I think if you're sure you never want to live with him you have to hold firm. It feels like you are almost talking yourself into throwing your doors wide open at the slightest sign of trouble for him.

You really don't have to.

IF he has neglected his pension, and that's a big IF, you don't actually know his finances. Then he will retire, claim all he is eligible for and if that means he can't afford his housing he will need to look for cheaper housing and if that is impossible to hold firm for the bailiffs and end up in council housing - much easier to get housed for a pensioner than a young fit adult male who could be directed to the streets. Housing for older people tends to be more available and less hoops to jump through.

Similar with care. Simply refuse to take responsibility and ask for a care act assessment.

It isn't just a future problem, it could be a now problem. What if he gets sick and can't work or loses his job?
Just have a conversation with him about future planning. It shouldn't be that hard.

Do you want to be a potential carer for him in the future?
You say you don't want to see him homelss but had previously said you wouldn't live together. Which is it? He isn't your project to fix in the future, but he might see you as a soft touch in the long term and that you seem to feel sorry for him so a potential pushover.

I don't believe there is any 'real job' to speak of. I imagine it is a very part time effort to look busy, and say he is working and things are going well. It is a very woolly term, freelance, marketing could literally be anything from selling tea towels to working for KPMG.

There are so many red flags, the biggest one being HIS reluctance to ask or offer any information. Any decent man would have been open and clear from the beginning. You should never have to go on a fact finding mission years into a relationship to know his status/and financial position.

I personally think you are not going to like what you see whenever you uncover this particular rock, so you have avoided doing so.

I would be very careful as I know a man who has had a few relationships with older women retired.
the latest one has own house and financially ok with savings. He rents private much the same situation except older. Friends always say why she with him. We all guessed the reason he’s with her as she pays for meals out and drinks.
the adult children do not like him and see him as a freeloader. She won’t ever let him move in and the adult children are keeping a careful watch on mum as she’s a lot older than him. So your very wise to be on ur guard. It happens a lot and it’s happened to another person i know own house husband died. Met a man long story but they bought house together all her money then mortgage he helped pay. Next year he was onto other women they divorced ! She had to pay him off sell home. Think he took out loans in house she ended up in rented flat so sad we all warned her.

What makes you think he hasn’t gone ANY provision for his retirement?

There was a lady in the newspaper yesterday Alysia Vasey of foraging and James Martin fame who has been married for 1 year in midlife and has been totally fleeced. Another saying is men want women of a certain age for a purse and nurse. Be very careful. Enjoy what you have but be aware of any manipulation when it comes to moving in or your finances.

Then perhaps it isn’t an issue, if you’ve no intention of letting anyone move in?

OP, in your position I would try very hard not to let it worry me and enjoy life. You have been open and honest. If, at some point in the future, he faces homelessness, there are safeguards in terms of social support that could kick in as a last resort if he is older (housing benefit, social housing…). Just decide for yourself, no matter what, you will never allow him to move in with you - or become his carer either if you are not up for that again. A little bit of justified selfishness from you will go a long way. He may inherit a stonking amount from his family and buy a place, you never know. Just go with it.

I think he saw you coming from a mile away.

Hi op I’m quite an over thinker but I think the fact you have discussed not living together splitting finances etc you don’t need to worry about homelessness he got this far without you. I’m sure he can carry on without you I think the relationship is fun and a companion to travel with you really shouldn’t worry about what ifs because no matter what you can always walk away. As long as you are both on the same page now that’s all you need to think about it. Sounds like a good life.

What world do you actually live in? No, there are not 'safeguards' for single men with no dependents of endless 'social housing'!! Even families end up in bedsits for years and years! Most single men end up on the streets for heavens sake. Look around you at any high street.

Of course it is unlikely after a long relationship that op will see him on the streets when his work dries up or the tap of mum and dad runs out. Seriously. This is such poor advice. So cringeworthy.

Just go with it

Yes, and get completely ripped off or let your children suffer the consequences when things are nowhere near as straight forward when it comes to death and he is living there - possibly in poor health and the courts grant him permission to stay because he has a sob story. I am truly shocked by the lack of education, that pp are unaware of how the legal system works, and how long it takes, and indeed can be changed at any time by the a far left government (looking at you Andy) and so 'go with it' is extremely poor advice.

You are looking so far ahead and for sure whatever is happening now will change in that time. Just enjoy what you have and see what comes later.

So he's in council accommodation?

I haven't asked him about his financial situation mainly because I haven't wanted to tell him about mine. In fact he's tried to tell me bits a couple of times and I've told him I don't want to know.

But things move on and I agree it's probably time to have a talk, which is why I've been thinking about it.

I think you're worrying about this a little early. He's only late 40s.

But I think you sound mismatched, if I'm honest. He sounds very live for today and a little feckless. He could have bought somewhere and had someone renting it all that time he was living his life.

He says he has enough money for now. But I wonder how he will afford those things when he retires. Can he afford to be so lackadaisical because he's going to inherit quite a lot? It's the only thing that would make sense to me.

The lack of financial planning at his age would be a huge turn-off for me. I think you should go for someone more compatible.

Having volunteered two winters at emergency homeless shelters, I know that single men, even old and sick ones are a long way down the list for any help with housing.

Most of the men in our shelter were working too.

Take the plunge and ask him about his savings, pensions, any debts, and future housing plans/retirement and how long he intends to work, and salary details.

You can't enter a serious relationship without this information op. I would double check factually everything you are told too. You need to be sure he is solvent and has access to substantial savings and pensions. The possibility of an inheritance is not a sound financial plan.

Woukd anyone? In a realtionship for several years, in an emergency situation see their partner/BF/friend on the streets?

Well being in rented accommodation he will then be entitled to housing benefit, help with council tax and able to claim universal credit. If he is unable to work long term he can claim pip.

If his parents own a large house, wouldn't he move back in with them rather than be on the streets?

How is someone 'on pip' an attractive proposition for someone like op? If he can't afford his rent or bills because they are going up so quickly he will end up on the streets in no time.

You're making things up now. I haven't asked or wanted to know because I didn't want to let on just how comfortable I am. Plus why woukd it be any of my business (or his) in the early stages of a relationship.

He doesn't work loads, which is great, it means he has plenty of time, but he does pay his share of absolutely everything. We spend more time at mine than we do at his because I prefer not to be the one living out of a holdall, but even then he brings dinner/wine and treats me to compensate (plus he has the additional petrol cost).

ATM I am completely comfortable I'm not being taken for a ride. If there is a plan, he's playing a very long game.

Yes, but not in his old age, I wouldn't expect!

They're in their 80s so that's not a long term plan.