Gutted - can’t take job offer for my absolute dream job 😞

[TheDrswife]

Anyone else had to swallow a very bitter pill? I’m a copywriter and I’ve been offered a full time hybrid role for my favourite ever brand that I buy a lot of.

The problem is that I also have a three year old in term time nursery only (no scope for more days). I doubt I could find another suitable setting so quickly and tbh I don’t want to - she’s my priority and I don’t want to just shove her in some random childcare that she doesn’t know.

So I get that it’s my fault for being so inflexible but I just don’t see a way I can accept this job 😞

Look at local childminders that found drop her off and collect from her current nursery? Would a nanny be an option? Or apply again when she is at school if something similar comes up? There’s often a way op but work life balance matters to.

Where does OP say 3 days a week? She says her 3 year old is in term time only.

Private school holidays are not really much longer than state school holidays until the early break up for summer. She can start in September, she and her DH can take annual leave to cover school holidays until they have found alternative provision or holiday cover. And if all else fails, she and her DH can request 4 weeks parental leave each to cover the extra needed the summer.

You have plenty of time to source an appropriate childminder OP if you really want this job. Someone local who you've met and like is not 'someone random', they are someone your DD can build a relationship with that might also be helpful once she starts school. Those long holidays from prep school are going to hold you back for many years yet, if you let them, so a good local childminder might just be worth their weight in gold.

Be honest with the employer. It may be that they have some flexibility in the first couple of years. Do NOT give up this opportunity so quickly. It’s all well and good to say I put my child first (I’ve been in similar situations, I am a lawyer with 5 kids) but such jobs are going to take a massive hit in the next few years. The regret will be huge and there is no real reason to not give this your best shot. Honestly my children had different childcare and I was stressed and had regrets but now, I look back and realise that much of my stress about this was completely pointless, they would’ve been fine regardless.
Yes if this is what you want to do then this is fine, but don’t complain about it if so. You’re obviously making the choice you want!

Why on earth did you apply for the job if you weren't prepared for the work schedule?

Can you get an au pair? Use grandparents? it's a hybrid role so it's not even a five day a week problem.

Find a new nursery, your child will settle.

If it’s your dream job then find a way to make it work.

Get on the case re childcare, there will be options that work for your daughter.

But you did. That was the time to either withdraw or negotiate. They’ll have to go through the whole interview process again now.
I guess it’s boosted your feelings of self worth and it’s interview practice, but it’s a bit underhand if you had no intention of accepting.

You are right about the three days pw, that was a misread.

Disagree on private school holidays - mine get a week more at Xmas, two weeks more at easter and one week more at October half term than their state school friends. YMMV.

Her husband is a locum so I would assume he is self-employed and doesn't get parental leave (though frankly should be involved in cutting back his locum bookings, at least for the rest of the year, so that OP can get bedded in at the job)

Of course it's a five day a week problem - she can't care for a 3 year old and WFH.

Thank you everyone, you’re all giving me a kick up the bottom to fully explore options I had previously discounted. I like the idea of a part time Nanny.

This is really heartbreaking, are you sure you can't find a way to make it work? This is going to be the situation with any in-house job, and this one is for a dream brand and having got all the way to an offer. You keep referring to 'shoving' your child in a childcare setting, but is there not scope for meeting a few childminders this week? As others have said, would you be starting before September anyway and can figure out holidays from there?

I also agree with this. I have 3 kids and we both work full time - at various points we have had to change childcare arrangements to make life work. It’s been absolutely fine. The kids settled with minimal issues.

Don’t walk away from an opportunity that means a great deal to you.

Me too - everyone’s kids are their priority. Make it work - your child will be fine.

You can sort this if you want to!

So pleased to see that you are re-thinking. My two are young adults now but the bottom line is us working parents find ways to make things work and this sounds like an important opportunity that you will kick yourself for turning down.

Also, I think it is really important to change the narrative - which only seems to apply to mothers - that sacrifice and prioritising your children involves giving up career opportunities. It's so toxic and insidious. SAHMs and WOHMs bring different but equally important things to the table. Many mothers have to work because two salaries are required for the family to live and giving that up would be detrimental to the family. In addition, it may well be in your children's best interests to have a mother who also is also happily and successfully engaged in paid employment. That can be very helpful role-modelling for both female and male children.

This is a great post, with great advice.
@TheDrswife you absolutely can make it work, but it involves sacrifices. This is hard, but this is parenting. When your DC is older, you will sometimes miss plays or concerts or sports days or be unable to have the playdate they want or be with them throughout the school holidays. This is life. You have to balance your own career and your financial security, not just be as available for your DC as you might wish. And you absolutely cannot always prioritise your DH's career, regardless of how important the income is.

Is the issue that you don't want to change your childcare arrangements or that you can't find something in the timescales?

If it's the first then you will just have to move on but if it's the latter could you have a conversation with them about starting PT? I recruited someone for a FT role but she only had childcare for 3.5 days. I let her start on that and gave her 4 months to cover the other days or drop to 2.5 days to allow me to recruit a job share. She found other nursery cover to start after a couple of months.

I couldn't agree more.

Well I assumed she was at least going to attempt to get away with that on her WFH days, (plenty of people do, let's be honest here) otherwise why bother applying for the job in the first place?

If long summers and half terms are such a problem for the OP because she doesn't want to put her DD in summer clubs and ad hoc settings outside of term time then that's going to continue to be a problem when the child is in school as well.

Are you in a Whatsapp group with other parents at nursery? Might one of them have a part time nanny willing to take on another child?

Or go to the specialist nanny agencies.
I've heard that a lot of childminders are giving up because of the paperwork etc. Such a shame - my minder was such a support, taking DC to after school clubs eg.
My DH was also a locum and he just informed the practices when he would be leaving/arriving so he could do nursery pick-ups. I work shifts.

You must be excellent at what you do to be offered the role. As others have said do all you can to make it work. Good luck!

See if one of the nursery staff would nanny for you in the holidays? I would have thought term time jobs are rare.

Oh well, nevermind, it doesn't sound like you want this job that much since you're not willing to put your child in childcare. That's how it works when you're a f/t working parent, not sure what you were expecting?

I agree with this.

This opportunity won't come up again.

Your DD is three, four next year? You've only got a relatively short period to hold out and make do and mend. before she's in reception. You both have annual leave and presumably can take parental leave.
You could hire a childminder too..

Also as a copy writer, wouldn't they be flexible about sometimes working from home? which would give you some leeway for illness and GP appointments.

Its complex and difficult sure, but you could make this work.

Please Don't give up so easily. I did and I regret it so much.