Why is one child so different when we have parented them alike?

[differentchildterribletwos]

How can one child be so different when we did everything the same??

3 girls: 11,9 and 7. All had the same formula milk, all had the same vaccines, all weaned at the same stage on the same food. All went to the same nursery at the same age. Baby and toddler classes etc. The same routines at bedtime etc.

Dd1 and 2 had their moments (terrible twos !) dd3 started early with the tantrums and they haven’t stopped. She is absolutely the hardest work and I don’t know what to do. Every day is screaming.

She has screamed every bathtime every time we brush her teeth or wash her hair. She screams if we are going out or staying in. She barely eats. Says most meals are disgusting and refuses 90% of all food offered.

Takes 2-3 hours to go to sleep (shouts from her room or repeatedly gets up)

We did everything the same yet she’s so different.

School say she is disruptive and she is behind in a lot of areas but they say she is capable. We asked if they thought she had SEN and they said no it’s a choice she’s making.

Im exhausted. Is this just a prolonged phase ? Has anyone had similar ? I feel bad for my older two as the behavior ruins any days out holidays or anything at home.

OP, not sure if anyone has mentioned Oppositional Defiant Disorder but that is something that comes to mind with me.
A friend’s very bright child has been diagnosed with it, as well as autism. The child can mask and behave well at school and is very able academically, but has frequent melt downs at home.

PDA type of autism? Sounds very similar to my DS.
School used to say "bad behaviour" but School nurse suspected Autism straight away and that's what it turned out to be. The usual ASD strategies didn't help but realising it was PDA (pathological demand avoidance) helped. Also sensory issues - we found "the out of sync child" book really helpful for understanding sensory processing disorder.

“School say she is disruptive and she is behind in a lot of areas but they say she is capable. We asked if they thought she had SEN and they said no it’s a choice she’s making.”

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Red flag response from the school.
please escalate and get her assessed before coming to this conclusion, she may need additional support.

As for the parenting - despite what you say about them all being brought up the same, that simply is not true. You are a different parent to each child. The parent you were for child 1 is not the same parent you then were for child 2, etc. No child is the same and no parent is the same for each child.

IF you’re being COMPLETELY honest with yourself about how she has been raised so far (we do lie to ourselves sometimes) then ignore school. This sounds like neuro diversity to me. You need them on board really now she’s at school so arrange a meet with the SendCo and ask for a referral. You can do a parental one but the school saying it’s just behavioural may be a stumbling block. Any other schools in the area?

As an AuDHD adult who was an AuDHD kid and who has an AuDHD kid…. Sounds like neurodivergence to me, possibly autism, possibly adhd, possibly, like me, both. Both is especially fun since your brain is screaming for two completely opposite things at a time. Could have PDA as part of autism or could have ODD (separate “disorder”)
my child and I both struggle with demand avoidance, I’m not sure I have advice right now as my brain is a little boiled in my skull as I’m on holiday in North Africa.
I will say that you cannot parent all children the same, that’s unfair to the children who are different people from one another, and also, if your child senses you feel bad for the other kids due to her meltdowns etc, she will internalise that and carry that forever, and it will effect her relationships with others for her entire life. I’m 40 now and I struggle to beleive anyone does anything more than simply tolerate me. Been with my bloke 5yrs and I’m still waiting for him to get sick and leave.

Seek assessment for her, she’s struggling and it will be hurting her inside.

The OP doesn't necessarily need the school on board in the sense that if data from the school show that the child.is academically capable yet behind in a number of areas, that is helpful information - because why is this?

A subject access request to this school might be rather interesting!

When my DD's assessment reports came back, it was amazing how school could suddenly see all this stuff they couldn't see before!

I don’t think you’re meant to raise your kids exactly the same as no two children are the same, it’s meant to be a sign of good parenting if your kids are very different characters as you’ve parented them individually to their needs.

That said your dd sounds very neurodivergent, it sounds like she is constantly overwhelmed and overstimulated as well as having PDA.

You will need to completely rethink how you parent her which needs to be very different to her NT sisters.

Yes, sounds very much like DC2. They finally got diagnosed with ADHD at age 20. Oh and dyslexia at 18 (after completing A-Levels). Neither primary nor secondary spotted the dyslexia. Nor did I. I asked the secondary about ADHD and they said no. They were wrong.

Screams ND.

@differentchildterribletwos definitely sounds like autism. But also is your DD on any medication - some have side effects that affect behaviour.

Mine were very like this. It is exhausting. Empathy x

It’s helpful though. Unlikely to get an assessment if school don’t concede and back OP up a bit.

We did. And school weren’t on board at all. We had some support from a different setting so school is not necessarily the deciding factor.

I don’t want to be rude but you’re one person. I didn’t say it was impossible. I literally deal with this daily in my line of work and wanted to give OP a realistic view.

Anyone who starts a sentence "I don't want to be rude" completely intends to be rude, or why say it at all.

It depends on the system in the area where the OP lives.

What I do know is that many, many parents have been put off by schools in this way (often in the face of quite obvious needs) and all that happens is the child reaches secondary age and difficulties become a crisis, when action could have been taken much earlier.

Sorry, I meant to add that if the child starts school refusing, that will be a much bigger problem for the parents (likely the mum) than the school.

Schools really don't have much incentive to "see" anything, especially when they've decided it's the child's fault!

Is this school the only option? I'd be concerned about a school that sees your DD the way you have described. If you get a diagnosis, will they actually accept it or persist with the idea that all children can just choose to be compliant?

I'd expect most schools to have had some children like your DD before and to know either how to respond or how to get external support. Their response is like something out of the 1980s.

When I raised the possibility of my DD having ADHD, their response was to have the SENCO observe her to see if she thought we should go for assessment. The SENCO agreed that assessment would be worthwhile and her class teacher put in adjustments immediately. That meant that when she was diagnosed, they were already working as if she had ADHD, it was just a confirmation. That's what you need - to meet the needs of the child, irrespective of diagnosis.

When I raised the possibility of my DD having ADHD, their response was to have the SENCO observe her to see if she thought we should go for assessment. The SENCO agreed that assessment would be worthwhile and her class teacher put in adjustments immediately.

I think you may have been very lucky - it is how it is suppsoed to work and presumably does somewhere but most ND familes I know never found this.

GP is another route to try - and again highly varriable on whether you'll find support or waiting list to sit on.

My kids and their mates who ND - it's been endless gas lighting till most went private in desperation at secondary and it takes time and serious money - and then often issues getting adjustments . They tend to blame parents and kids and they are well behaved enough to ignore most issues occaionally putting them in a support group that may or may not fit their needs.

If too disruptive like DN - they force onto p/t timetable and say too young to put on lists for diagonsis and still blame kids and parents.

I think it helped that we went private for all of DD's diagnoses - she's at 3 now. I still think the school would have put her on the SEN register as 'suspected ADHD' and put in the fairly simple adjustments she needed and supported us in putting her on a waiting list for NHS assessment, even if we didn't go private. But she's always been at or above expected levels academically, so everything has been a result of me asking/chasing. Her teachers said she was 'away with the fairies' from year 1, but it still needed me to do the asking.

My DD also has relatively low support needs, she doesn't need an EHCP. I've seen friends take a year off work to do the battle needed to get an EHCP. I've also seen them move house to get into catchment for a school with appropriate support for their DC. I know I am fortunate not to have had to do that and also that many others wouldn't be in a position to do that.

It is pretty clear to me that it is easier to identify issues ad advocate for your DC if you are one of the sharp-elbowed middle class. I worry for the many children who don't have parents who can do that, so are overlooked.

We didn't have the money to go private route - though many of DC friends ended up doing that in desperation in secondary as problems were piling up and exams getting close so know just how much it can cost.

I think our education and careers put us in middle class bracket from working class start but we did push a lot for help from GP and schools for years and years and DC in teens started trying to do it themselves as well- and ended up having to provide most support at home anyway.

There always this idea on here that if you push hard enough school and/or GP will get on side - and that's just not my experience or most people I know or even worse if you care you'll find the money for private route.

It's worth the OP trying GP and keeping on at the school and trying the SENCO - but that may however persistant or firm or sharp elbowed she is it may not get her anywhere - and that's just the system rather than any lack of parental effort.

I'm just echoing what others have said. Screams of Neurodiversity to me aswell as potential PDA.
My daughter's school have only just starting to sway to the idea of her being ND after me bleating on about it for years, she's 10 now.
Keep fighting, Mama!

It is much easier for some than others to push, but you probably have to be pushing at a slightly open door for it to work, and some schools are incredibly closed to additional needs.

Near us there is a small town with two primary schools, one is welcoming to children with additional needs and the other says, 'we don't really have the resources to meet you child's needs, have you tried the school up the road?' So the welcoming one has most of the children with additional needs, which makes it a more challenging school in all sorts of ways. Presumably there are places with no schools that welcome children with additional needs.

The idea that 'you'd find the money if you cared' is something I've heard before and is incredibly offensive. We've probably spent £6k on private diagnoses. I'd guess that's out of the question for most families.