Why is one child so different when we have parented them alike?

[differentchildterribletwos]

How can one child be so different when we did everything the same??

3 girls: 11,9 and 7. All had the same formula milk, all had the same vaccines, all weaned at the same stage on the same food. All went to the same nursery at the same age. Baby and toddler classes etc. The same routines at bedtime etc.

Dd1 and 2 had their moments (terrible twos !) dd3 started early with the tantrums and they haven’t stopped. She is absolutely the hardest work and I don’t know what to do. Every day is screaming.

She has screamed every bathtime every time we brush her teeth or wash her hair. She screams if we are going out or staying in. She barely eats. Says most meals are disgusting and refuses 90% of all food offered.

Takes 2-3 hours to go to sleep (shouts from her room or repeatedly gets up)

We did everything the same yet she’s so different.

School say she is disruptive and she is behind in a lot of areas but they say she is capable. We asked if they thought she had SEN and they said no it’s a choice she’s making.

Im exhausted. Is this just a prolonged phase ? Has anyone had similar ? I feel bad for my older two as the behavior ruins any days out holidays or anything at home.

Yes of course, she's autistic. Can't be anything else else.

School have just told us repeatedly she’s disrupting the class, and that she has an amazing vocabulary and clearly chooses to not do the work. Very occasionally she will produce excellent work and then go back to refusing. They see it as her letting them know it’s a choice and then she gets marked as behind in areas as they can’t assess anything as she won’t do the majority of it.

Im going to ask the gp to refer us. I think ive just been trusting the school as I felt like they’d say if they thought there was an issue such as autism but reading these replies I can see that their view of it isn’t really ok.

I think it's because of education theory / sociology / psychology which all focus so much on upbringing and parenting and early experiences, while as any parent knows, children are actually different from each other from the moment they're born.

For example, one of my DC was guzzling milk from the boob from being minutes old while the other was tricky to feed as a newborn. They are still exactly like this age 18 and 20 - one is a real foodie and the other is picky!

Explore neurodiversity including pda given what you’ve said about the choices and power struggles. As a teacher i have to admit I was sceptical the first time I heard of it but speaking to students about their thought and emotion processes it’s a very real response that they struggle to control or understand.

I thought all children were different. Just like all adults have their own unique characters?

But obviously if there's issues to do with development and milestones etc it could be SEND.

Sorry, but … what? All humans are different. I have twins and they’re like chalk and cheese.

On a serious note, I’m sorry you’re struggling. The charity Mind provide help with this sort of thing, accessible through our kids’ school – is that something your school offers? Do ask about it. The support is appropriate for SEN children too.

I don't know if it will help the OP, but even identical twins brought up together (so obviously both have the same schizophrenia genes) only both develop schizophrenia 50% of the time.

This.

It may not be but look at stratergies used for ND kids and try them see if they help.

School say she is disruptive and she is behind in a lot of areas but they say she is capable. We asked if they thought she had SEN and they said no it’s a choice she’s making.

I'd ignore this as well work out where she is behind and find some support outside school either you or some tutors.

The articulate comment about choosing clothes screamed ND and ODD to me.

You’ll find things much easier when you are viewing it through the ND lens. It makes it much, much easier.

You can parent her according to what works rather than what usually works for other DC.

State schools will do nothing until the child breaks apart in front of you then you get CAMHs who will also do nothing. You will wait on a waitlist for years while it escalates thinking someone will finally help but they won’t. Scrounge every last penny and go private for a diagnosis while she’s still remotely willing to engage. She doesn’t sound NT at all!

Sounds a bit like my entirely NT child, difficult, noted as being very intelligent but half asses it unless something is interesting to her, kicks off about everything, refused to wear clothes that she didn’t want to wear from an early age and she’s still particular about how things feel (aren’t we all, how many of us like wearing anything that is in any way uncomfortable on our skin, I never buy anything that I don’t like the touch of and I don’t buy plates for example that I don’t like the texture of, this to me is completely normal).

Honestly we think it’s just that she has a strong self of sense and is clear sighted about what she does and does not want to do. Not every difficult personality is ND. We did find some strategies in “the explosive child” helpful but I wouldn’t expect every child to be alike. She’s actually not that dissimilar to some other children in my family and again completely NT just extremely strong personalities.

Also at one point had to wrap mine in a towel with her arms pinned to get her teeth brushed. I known it sounds awful but it was the only way, she still hates it but we get it done.

Teeth have been worst journey with DD2 - taken us insisting and that's not always been pleasant to dentist, hygienist and orthodontists all making it very clear she needs to do better thre was a lot worry but teeth are in decent shape.

Food and clothes have got better especailly when we removed pressure where we could - kids helping themseleves from dishes at table - and trying to work round clothing issues.

Would also say I have to be a lot stricter than I would like about some things and a lot more tolerant of some things than I would like but you parent the child you get not the one you imagined you would have. The blessing is I expect her to be absolutely fine as a woman, I don’t worry about her as much as I did when she was born because she’s a donkey of a humanbeing. She needs to see the incentive to behave in a particular way (she must benefit in some way). Also still have food issues but we have negotiated try one new thing a week.

This all makes mine sound awful but she’s actually quite a wonderful little person, she’s incisive, funny, articulate, picks concepts up quickly, sharp as a tack. Yes she’s difficult to raise but a lot of the things I find hard about her are a related to the qualities I admire most about her too. Sometimes taking the time to listen to why she wants things a particular way helps, let her feel she is being listened to and then you have to use reason, mine will eventually come around even if she loudly objects (we still have randomn yelling but it’s made clear quickly that screaming in not an appropriate response to reasonable requests).

I just wouldn’t jump to a diagnosis to quickly, yes girls absolutely do not get diagnosed fairly in comparison to boys. Yes it could be ND, but equally you could just be dealing with someone who is harder work than usual. You would still have to help her to figure out how to function at her best in society for her own wellbeing.

For the same reason siblings can have different hair colour. It's not all on the parents!
Seriously, despite what smug parents like to think, it's not a question of do it right and they'll be an angel with A grades, be a bad parent and they'll be robbing by age 8. Some great parents have criminals-think of famous criminals, and realise their siblings are often model citizens. Some lazy, non involved parents have Oxbridge kids who look set for a Nobel.
Who the kids go to school with/socialise with, whether they have additional needs etc affect things, so blaming the parents isn't always sensible.

I agree, I think they come pre-loaded with a core personality, we see this from adoption studies. Most families have a person who didn’t turn out like the rest whether it’s good or bad.

I could be wrong but might be worth exploring PDA, pathological demand avoidance.

It sounds like neurodivergence to me too. I’d speak to your GP.

Everyone is their own unique person - unique genetics and their own unique position within their family. It's not unusual or surprising for siblings to have very different personalities to each other and to their parents. She is who she is, there's no reason to think that she should be like her siblings. That said, it's understandable that you are worried about her behaviour and I hope you can get support irl.

This sounds life my daughter I felt the same. She was my 3rd and I didn't understand why everything was so challenging. I researched and looked into Adhd/autism and it became obvious thats what we were dealing with. I didn't realise as the only thing I knew was "typical" symptoms. It took 2 years for an official adhd diagnosis and medication (she's now 13) which has helped her BUT in the meantime look up PDA and change some parenting behaviours in the home and some things can become easier. As soon as I realised she wasn't saying "no" just to be naughty and it was actually a nervous system response I understood more and could adapt how I responded. Its still difficult and we still have challenging days but a few years ago I couldnt see any way through and now I can see a future for her. I wish id have gotten her help earlier and will feel guilty for that forever but we are finally on the right path.

She is the youngest child and has learnt it’s the only way to get your attention. Can you ignore it? Punish it? Incentivise good behaviour? Every single child is a different person with different interests and different things work. One of my children responds to boundaries, the other to incentives. We parent them differently as they are different. 7 might be too late to change hugely but worth addressing this now. Start with a conversation, they are 7 and can hold one.

Sounds like neurdiversity with possible Pathological Demand Avoidance traits (I have a daughter diagnosed with ADHD/ASD/PDA) she was just like this when she was younger. Cranial Osteopathy helped tremendously for irritability and mood. Please dont listen to the school and seek further help.

Sounds like potentially ASD from the various things you’ve said - especially the hypersensitivity to clothing, bathing and cleaning teeth, food etc.

It’s also different genetics/DNA. Yea all the children have DNA from both of you as parents but they will have inherited it all in different quantities. If they did a DNA test they would show they are siblings and children if yourselves but their make up of the genes will differ a lot. My eldest is very like me and my side of the family in physical looks. She could easily be passed off as my sister’s child or even my cousin’s as there is a strong family resemblance to that side. My youngest has no resemblance to my side of the family and has a lot of traits physically from her dad’s side of the family. IQ though, which is unseen, is definitely not from Dad’s side as none of his family did that well at school and she’s a real high flyer. My eldest is autistic and we can pin point the ASD gene right through my side of the family, particularly my dad’s side but my cousin on my mum’s side also has an autistic child but then his wife’s family have a lot of ND in them.

This is why the nature/nurture debate can be so interesting. Environment does indeed play a massive part in how children behave/react however two children won’t always react the same to the same environment, and this is where things such as ND can come into play. I can’t parent my children the same. They don’t respond to the same type of parenting. I tried and found that out early on. I suspect my youngest is adhd which we also suspect is on both sides of the family. This is why parenting and education need to be needs met rather than following the same plan for everyone.

OP should read up on parenting ND strategies. But also PDA strategies which can go against the usual ND strategies. There are lots of good books and websites out there. I recommend the Explosive child by Dr Greene and other stuff he has written.

My only daughter (also 7) is like this at home (though completely withdrawn at school and overwhelmed by it). She was such a difficult toddler that it put me off having more children. I suspect she has autism & adhd. We have to be very flexible and chill at home and let her have as much choice as possible. I know this is likely extremely difficult with 2 other kids in the mix. I also still have to hug her to sleep as she can’t self soothe, if I don’t she gets hysterical as it sounds like your daughter does. Now we’ve understood what our daughter needs she is much more fun and easy to be around. Read The Highly Sensitive Child as a starting point.

From experience id definitely be reading up about autism and possibly adhd.
Ive got 3 girls, all raised exactly the same but my middle one is diagnosed autistic. She's so different, brought it up loads of times with various people and was batted away... She'll catch up (3 yrs behind) she's fine at school... blah blah.
She is SEN (Had a private ep report done) and she has arfid and is on melotonin for sleep issues