Why is one child so different when we have parented them alike?

[differentchildterribletwos]

How can one child be so different when we did everything the same??

3 girls: 11,9 and 7. All had the same formula milk, all had the same vaccines, all weaned at the same stage on the same food. All went to the same nursery at the same age. Baby and toddler classes etc. The same routines at bedtime etc.

Dd1 and 2 had their moments (terrible twos !) dd3 started early with the tantrums and they haven’t stopped. She is absolutely the hardest work and I don’t know what to do. Every day is screaming.

She has screamed every bathtime every time we brush her teeth or wash her hair. She screams if we are going out or staying in. She barely eats. Says most meals are disgusting and refuses 90% of all food offered.

Takes 2-3 hours to go to sleep (shouts from her room or repeatedly gets up)

We did everything the same yet she’s so different.

School say she is disruptive and she is behind in a lot of areas but they say she is capable. We asked if they thought she had SEN and they said no it’s a choice she’s making.

Im exhausted. Is this just a prolonged phase ? Has anyone had similar ? I feel bad for my older two as the behavior ruins any days out holidays or anything at home.

Ignore school. Pathetic response from them saying it's a choice.

Go to the GP and get a referral for ADHD/autism, whichever you feel is more symptomatic. You don't need school to do the referral.

I have no idea which she would be more likely to have, she just seems to be angry and very noisy all the time and literally cannot do anything she is told and has low tolerance for most things.

I mean it screams neurodiverisity to me. Brushing teeth and showering, fussiness with food are often linked to sensory processing issues. Being disruptive at school and difficulty with sleep are also common with ND kids.

But they haven't all been raised exactly the same. That would be impossible, one obvious thing is how diluted your attention likely was for the younger child.

Also, they are different people what works for one won't necessarily work for the others just because they are sisters.

Focus on what your younger child needs to improve her behavior and stop comparing her to siblings, that won't be helping.

I think part of what I meant was also the same boundaries and expectations and the same parenting. It’s not like she doesn’t understand either she will say things like ‘I KNOW why I have to eat healthily but I’m showing you that you can’t actually make me’ and things like that it’s like a power struggle when we’ve never made her feel like she didn’t have choices.

Aged 2/3 she had an issue with clothes so we would give her a choice of items and she quickly decided that actually that would have been a solution and at 3 said ‘you just want me to pick. So I’m wearing no clothes’

Its the level of noise too the screaming and often for no reason. At bedtime it’s awful and yet in one way it almost sounds like self soothing as it will get quieter and quieter and where she’s asleep she makes noises in her sleep for a little while ?

This.

It wasn't your parenting that made the other two the way they were, either. They just happen to be similar, which is genetics, not parenting.

My son is easy - a real rule follower and people pleaser who loves routine. Yes, I've taught him manners and follow a consistent routine, but I didn't make him a little non-tantrummer with magic parenting.

ND or not, your third child has had different parenting because you had two other kids, and they are also a different person.

Regardless of whether they've been raised the same or not (good god, people like to pick holes on here 🙄), her behaviours point to possible neurodiversity and it would be worth having a chat with your GP about it.

As a mum of a son with ASD it also screams neurodiversity to me. I’m not one to armchair diagnose but with everything you’ve said I think it’s worth exploring, DS struggles with a lot of those things as well so I would pursue both at the same time but if it’s not possible in your area I would look into ASD first.

It doesn’t sound like just bad behavior a lot of the things you’ve mentioned are really common with sensory processing issues.

I wouldn’t be listening to the school, no one there is qualified to diagnose and lots of these things you’re struggling with are happening at home, some children are able to mask really well at school.

Of course there is a possibility it could just be behavior related but I think it’s worth doing your due diligence to rule out any SEN first.

I really sympathise as one of my friends’ sons sounds very similar and it’s been a nightmare for her to get the school & NHS to take her seriously primarily because he doesn’t have any learning difficulties and his communication skills are excellent so his struggles have just been glossed over and he gets labelled as the “naughty” kid. It’s a really tough position to be in, my son has learning difficulties and very obvious autism and whilst it comes with challenges I do always think it makes it easier to get support.

She sounds like my eldest and I think he has ADHD. The screaming is absolutely soul destroying. And at night too waking youngest up. I'm going to push it with school when he gets back he the eldest so I don't have as much comparison but he's always been like this, and eldest has never done that piercing horrible screaming

Another mum of a ND child, screams it to me also.

the schools response to your question of SEN is disgusting, even if she was to be NT

My eldest is waiting assessment for adhd and my youngest is very similar but masks well at school but we have major melt downs within minutes of school finishing. I read The Explosive Child and am imementing the strategies in there and it is helping. But also understanding that behavior is always communication, try to look underneath the behavior and identify patterns such needing control, transitions between activities, tiredness, hunger and toileting. All of these things play a part in how my children behave and react. Now I take a snack to pick up and make sure there is adequate down time after school. I try to get down on their level and turn off distractions and place a hand on shoulder whilst giving instructions. I have also learned to adjust my expectations

Nature.

you’ve given them (broadly) the same nurture. But kids are not born a blank slate they are born with bodies and personalities even at that age.

A choice? she sounds ND to me.

They are not all going to be clones of each other. This could be purely that she has a more challenging personality. Or there could be something else going on.

A child’s personality/ regulation ability is partly genetic, partly up bringing and partly pure chance apparently.

The trick is to adapt parenting / education etc to suit need.

All Behaviour is communication. Working out what is needed is the tricky bit. some of it might be certain boundaries but also, some of it might be more time, support, reassurance etc. Sometimes deep anxiety and need comes across as “angry demands”

Basically nature and then nurture. But everyone’s nurture / needs are different. As everyone’s nature is different.

Now I take a snack to pick up and make sure there is adequate down time after school.

We do this too - it's actually really good for ADHD kids because their brains are using more energy apparently so they need it and it explains the "home from school" explosion that happens.

When you say ‘school’, I assume you mean nursery school? Nursery school staff aren’t qualified to diagnose whether children are ND or not!!

The school's response is outrageous. No 7 year old "chooses" to behave like that.

I'll eat my hat if she's not ND.

Another ND voter. Schools are shit at spotting it

I would get her checked. My dd used to cry and scream for hours at bedtime - it nearly broke me, trying to get her to relax and sleep. She just didn't seem to need the amount of sleep that other kids need. She suffered from anxiety in her teens. Now she is 18, she says that anxiety meant she couldn't settle and she feels that she might be ND and that I should have taken her to a dr to see if they could have diagnosed anything. So, I would see the GP just in case.
Despite having seen camhs and a psychiatrist, the root causes of DD's anxiety have not been identified or fixed, so I'm wondering if there is some kind of additional need.
If I could have found that out when she was 7, I think life would have been much easier.
You do need to get some help because this is having a detrimental affect on your whole family.

I echo PPs - Schools, councils and professionals (who often know very little about neurodiversity and aren't properly trained on it) LOVE to make out it's a choice/ behaviour/ all about parenting, OP! They're very good at 'signposting you to parenting workshops' and very bad at actually spotting, recognising and supporting neurodiversity (which is of course, harder, more expensive and involves admitting it's not the mother's fault/ problem!!) My eldest was like this and I was offered endless 'support' with my parenting... I swear it's this weird in-built institutional misogyny. And I bought it! I sent myself on parenting course, worked on setting firmer boundaries etc etc, believed it was all about what I was doing. Of course my DD is ND, and it's only when I had two more children that I realised this and that it wasn't my parenting, those extreme behaviours were unique to her. All much smoother once we realised that's what it was all about and what support she needed (although we've had to organise all that support ourselves of course)

Hi OP, I think this sounds ND too. You might want to read about Demand Avoidance too. Issues around teeth cleaning, washing hair brushing, nail cutting. Food. Change in routines. Unexpected change of plans. Masking all day at school, coming home and releasing all the pent up emotions. A diagnosis did help with understanding for me, but then I was pretty much left alone to think up my own behavioural strategies. Other Mumsnetters have posted good ones, taking a snack for after school pick up. Mine was when going to a large group party or social situation take a book or something they can be doing quietly and just let them sit down in a corner with it. They don't have to go round the room saying hello and meeting everyone, then after about an hour they have adjusted to the new surroundings and may start to join in. Sounds simple but took a couple of years to work out Good ways around most things. Can still go wrong sometimes. Good luck with navigating this. Xxxx

Even if you try to do everything the same, they are people. Environment matters so, so much, but it's not everything. They aren't blank slates. So it's also going to be about how individual children respond to their environment. If it was the case that x parenting led to y child then that would be all anyone ever did.

Exactly! It looks like she is wanting much more attention/love from you and being 'diffcult' is the only way she can get it. She's testing you.

I sympathise with you as 3 is a lot of young children to manage. I would try and regularly factor in some time when you go out eg with just her and make every effort to boost her up, praise her, say how much you love her etc.