Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

Plus the fact the wear and tear,things will get broken, not kept tidy/cleaned properly, and none of them will admit it was them. Keep it exclusively for yourselves, theyre CF even asking

Can’t believe people are okay with relatives staying for Christmas (two weeks, I’d go insane) and not contributing. We live in a popular area and often have family and friends stay for the weekend. They arrive with wine, chocs, flowers and my children usually take us for brunch as a thank you. It similarly wouldn’t occur to me to stay with people and not contribute. One relative spent a lot of time with us being fed years ago without ever contributing when we were quite hard up. Strangely they’re still the same!

This!
And on a much greater CF scale than those entitled people who don’t own a car and expect lifts all the time from people who do.

It's interesting.
I have never been interested in having a holiday home for all sorts of reasons. And it would have been a stretch.
Dsis bought one about 5 years ago and has never invited us either with them or without.
I genuinely would have shared but it's a null and void argument really.

I'd give it to family members provided the pay for a cleaner or clean themselves once they vacate it. I'd book some days out on my calendar that I know for sure I'm not going and I'd tell them they can go during those. They are not likely to use your clothes.

I understand your perspective don't get me wrong, but I also understand theirs and I think you are both being unreasonable. You could find a way to share the place and they could stop making comments and accept the situation.

🤣🤣🤣

Just say no? don't enter into a debate or argument.

I am in a similar position OP and it is infuriating.

The problem is that I have to drive there to prepare it for people (1 hour+), and then I have to return afterwards to check they haven't left something. And they have ALWAYS left something. Someone sent a message to say "Sorry we left the milk on the side!"

So now I only let a few people use it, but the rest are fucking angry about it. FFS!

OK so why didn’t the locals sell their properties cheaper by word of mouth to local families then?

I totally get how awful it must be for a local economy once things go beyond a critical mass, so 70% of homes are second homes, but let’s remember that most of us use these second homes ourselves when we go on holiday. Without them where would everyone wanting a house in Cornwall/ Norfolk/ Wales/ the Peak District stay? And quite often the local economy needs the tourist income to survive- and has been basing itself on tourism income since Victorian times.

I am all for making second home owners contribute, but this is also done by way of additional council tax, bills, using local trades to work on the house, buying local, stamp duty when they buy it- all of which can and does go into some developments where homes can only be bought by locals.

The problem is the gap in thinking is very wide. They are very entitled, expecting use without paying and you are not willing for any use. The relatives you have did not show themselves well at Christmas by not contributing cost or efforts.

A more normal set would be second home owners offering a place at a low price when they are not using it. Cleaning fees paid too! Wardrobes would not be explored and people would be very grateful and not make snarky comments. Unfortunately your relatives are not like this!

We co-own a second home and are on the other extreme to you. We share it out far and wide with fees just to cover costs. It’s so fun to have people go and share it. And we often go with them. But they are v grateful and not snarky!

Would you have expected it to change their minds though? 'Oh, what a witty comment at our expense, please do now stay in our house!' So for anyone who's ever met people or had a conversation, it's just a pointless dig that puts the asking people in a bad light.

I see that the fabled "village" is alive and well in OP's world

It was mean of them not contribute for Christmas - they all stayed full 2 weeks really??
Anyway yeh don't be surprised if parents n siblings are put out I wouldn't worry about the further out ones. My friends wealthy sister had a beautiful 2nd home & was always reluctant to lend it,& when my friend had kids she said she flat out said didn't want young kids there messing the place so it was a hard no. There was some years they didn't get any holiday when kids were small so yeh we all thought her sister was really very mean as hs was idle most of the time. My friend didn't keep asking though the humiliation of once asking & told no you can't have it was enough!

Tell them you've sold the house and given the proceeds to charity.

Not sure why you started this thread as you’re obviously 100% convinced you are right and nothing anyone says will change your mind. If i was ever lucky enough to own a second home in a ‘picturesque spot’ i would get so much pleasure from sharing my good fortune with family and friends but then i love my family..

Blimey, how big is this house, if you had all those people for two weeks over Christmas!!
#jealous
YANBU, by the way - not that you asked.

Tell them you do not have insurance cover for other than your immediate family.

They can't prove one way or another and they won't offer to pay the difference either.

I've used the 'insurance' get out many times over stuff.

I would lie and say it’s being rented out and is fully booked.

I’m with you OP. It’s your home.

Those harping on about the damage holiday homes do to local economy and the housing market … are these people who, because of their views on second homes, refuse to stay in an Air bnb or other holiday rental? Just wondering …

Your family are piss takers.

Sounds like there’s a significant wealth gap. Just focus on your kids and friends.

And people always think they do a great job cleaning up after themselves - but we often end up having to re-wash all the crockery and cutlery (no dishwasher there) and yes, a toilet which hasn't been flushed and is then left for a month is fucking minging.

AND someone had the cheek to leave me a £6 bottle of The Jam Shed wine as a 'thank you.'

That really got on my tits

Imagine not letting your own parents have use of your holiday home 😲

I will never have as much money as you @Dogsintheforest and I will never own a second home, but I'd give my mother or my sisters the shirt off my back if they asked! They'd do the same, we're family.

Your priorities are screwy

Oh come on, the OP hosted her entire family for 2 weeks and paid for every last mince pie. Plus she’s now having to endure juvenile comments from the same CFs.

And as others have said, family are a nightmare in these situations sometimes and the owner has to pick up the pieces, cleaning the place, replacing broken items, retrieving lost property, checking the lights are off/ no taps on and it’s locked.

Village does not mean letting entitled relatives take the piss in any way they see fit.

It’s the chat section where people post to chat. I’ve explained why I posted. If you don’t want to ‘chat’, then don’t.

Everyone would always share if they had it to share of course. Your comments sound smug, but fake.

I think most of the negative replies have come from posters who are not in your situation and can reply quite glibly.
I started out being willing to share our second home freely, by the time we sold it, I was quite the opposite.
This was solely due to my generosity being abused.
It cost me time, money and my peace of mind to deal with cf relatives.
Good luck.