Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

I don’t think you should share otherwise they’ll use up the gas and electricity and make a mess. Stuff might go missing and things will break. It will become less available to you as they all demand to use it at peak seasons. Just ignore them and continue to say no. Because once you agree, they’ll all be demanding to stay.

Op has very clearly stated she hosted her wider family for two weeks and most contributed nothing. Please explain how that is op “not sharing”?

I have friends who have second homes in Spain, where I live.
They used to allow adult children and relatives to use it in their absence.But…. Each one of them left it in a mess and didn’t turn off heating / air conditioning etc.

Both my friends now insist on being present when the kids etc. go on holiday there.
i can’t believe people on here are stating what the owners should/shouldn’t do with their own property.

Tell them all you have sold it.

They sound like freeloaders.

The cake comment is the kind of snide nonsense that makes me avoid some people.

Tell them you're letting it out when you're not there so it's not free.

If it were me I'd move to the new house full time and ditch the free loaders.

Each to their own, but we are considering getting a second home and one of the plus points would be the ability to share it with wider family. If a sibling or DC got one and refused to let us use it when it’s standing empty, I’d definitely think less of them. If I owned one, I’d also want it occupied frequently for insurance/security.

There do seem to be plenty of compromises. Send a message round saying not this summer, but next year, family are welcome to use it in say June, and to cover the costs of utilities and a cleaner, with anything used restocked, and your bedroom out-of-bounds. That way you keep it to yourselves for the vast majority of time and set your boundaries. An absolute ban will severely damage your relationships with all your family which you may regret.

I’m in your position OP.

My reasons are similar to yours, I want to be able to use it at short notice, I want to be able to leave personal belongings there, it is after all my second home.

Friends and family expect mates’ rates but your costs are the same. If they damage anything it’s down to you to fix it, and if they like it they will want to come again and again. Pretty soon they settle on a regular time of the year when they expect it to be available to them.

For the same reason I don’t invite people to join us. Even the DC have limits on when they can come, because if I don’t block out time for me and DH I spend my whole time hosting.

People are very keen on sharing when it’s someone else doing the providing, I find.

I would allow my family members to use my second home, but I can trust them to do the right thing. OP's family would be a right pain about it.

Totally ignoring any of the comments about taking properties from locals. And someone above said that locals wouldn't be able to afford it so they should be snapped up by wealthy second home wanters. Hmm, could it be that families who have lived there forever have been out priced because of the demand by those who feel entitled to two or three 'homes'. Bit of a circle maybe?

I suspect those thinking you’re unreasonable have families that don’t take advantage so they don’t understand what it’s like. My brother and SiL invited themselves to stay at ours for a week - our flight lands etc’. Then suddenly it was a 10 day stay. Then they said they’d send money for the groceries (2 people 10 days) and they sent what amounted to £2.50 per day). They wrap it up as they are coming to see our kids and family time but basically it was a free 10 day overseas holiday. We are discussing what to do when they next announce that flights have been booked.

Quite. I let a friend stay in my house whilst I was away for work.
In the few months I was away she burned a hole in the living room carpet, spoiled the flooring in the bathroom by leaving a tap running and left the place in a filthy state.

Also ,another negative problem is,the people you do allow to borrow, very often take add ons, their friends with kids etc.
So while you generously think its just a couple (less mess, wear & tear, bedrooms used.) infact they rock up with 3 cars …
nearly all CFs & renters do it.

There you go. Exactly.
Keep it simple/no issues.

Apart from the attitudes when it’s a NO. 🙄

Spot on. People don't realise the complications of washing & drying bedding & towels until they've lived through it, especially if the owners are a decent distance away and can't just go round to check that everything is OK

I wouldn’t dream of asking to use a relatives holiday home, and if it were offered to me then I would insist on paying to cover utilities etc.

It’s the height of rudeness and entitlement to make repeated snide comments because you’ve been told no to using something that belongs to someone else. If you would be happy to share your holiday home with your family then that’s your choice, but not everyone in life share’s your sentiments.

It’s also a minefield if you allow large numbers of relatives to use it for free because what happens if they damage anything and refuse to pay for it? Do family relations become fraught then or would you be expected to shut up and keep on allowing everyone to use the property? General wear and tear will increase over time so who’s putting their hand in their pockets to help cover this? Presumably family will duck their heads and say they can’t afford to contribute, it wasn’t them who contributed to any specific wear and tear as they don’t use that particular item. Not to mention how insurance claims could get complicated.

YANBU, it’s your house and you can do what you want with it.

As a family member I might ask once but if I was told no nicely then yes that would be it.

Plus they sound a bit odd/ jealous/ bad attitude. I wouldn’t put it past them to nick something, break something and refuse to pay for it or behave like twats to the locals.

I agree with your DH, put some distance between them. Either serve their snide comments back to them “As you said we don’t like to share so we’re doing Christmas just the 6 of us down in Cornwall this year, Maybe see you in 2027”. Or be polite but honest “Sorry the digs about the holiday home were a bit too much and we weren’t enjoying ourselves so we’re taking a rain check on meet-ups for the rest of 2026. Maybe see you in 2027.”

It’s quite normal for people to let families & friends use their holiday home when it’s sitting empty so I would find it odd if my family did this.

Just tell them its being refurbished as a sex dungeon.....

ummm what? You do it the same way as just about everyone else. You contract with a local cleaner/ cleaning company, and every friend or family guest who stays has to pay for the cleaning cost of their stay before they get the access code/key. That’s how everyone I know does it. The clean isn’t cheap but it’s a free stay and I’ve never heard anyone argue .

In every family there's an uncle who gets everyone's backs up with endless snide comments designed to undermine people yet passed off as humour.

Nobody cries at his funeral and everyone's self esteem increases when he's gone.

I guess all the people who think you are being unreasonable would lend their car to all and sundry whenever they wanted it regardless of the fact the lenders might need it at short notice.

Shouldering the extra insurance, wear and tear and regardless of whether the borrowers scratched and scraped the paintwork. Oh, and probably making sure the car was fully fuelled before lending and be happy it was empty on return.

People who think it’s their right to be lent things often don’t take care of them in the same way the owners do.

I can post here because it's anonymous, but none of our friends or family know that we own two other properties (both long-term rentals) because I know what jealousy can be like. I think it's much better keeping these things secret, because it can make people bitter, and cause friction.

Hope it doesn't strain your relationship. The petty jibes must feel pretty personal.

Yes, second home owners like the OP are bloody entitled nobs and ruin the local economy. Then when all the little shops, PO’s and pubs eventually close, they sell up and buy again elsewhere starting another shitty chain reaction.

Our small village only has one pub/restaurant now and that will close after this summer season as they can’t afford to keep going in the winter months. Not only that, the local village school lost a teacher last year as not enough children on the roll.

There’s still the same amount of houses in the village but they’re empty for weeks at a time and the locals are being priced out.

It’s all very well for the OP to say they plan to move there permanently in a few years but they won’t because they’ll be no nice village to move to. Their sort have destroyed it!

That's sure to put her freeloading rellies off. Good idea.

I think you are being unreasonable OP.

We are in the happy and very privileged position of owning 2 'second homes' in wonderful locations. One is very rural and remote , the other in a buzzing seaside resort 2 hours train ride from our main home.

We encourage friends and family to use them as much as possible. It's good for the houses to be occupied rather than left empty for weeks on end and it's good for the local economies to have holidaymakers spending money in the area.

They are absolutely second homes rather than holiday homes. Our clothes/toiletries/hobby equipment etc are always there. We can decide at lunchtime that we want to visit one of them and know that everything we could want will always be on hand. All we need to bring with us is fresh milk. That doesn't stop us sharing them with people. They are our friends and family and we know they will always treat our houses and property with respect.

We are currently staying in the rural property for three weeks. I've left keys for the seaside flat with a friend and put a note on the groups WhatsApp encouraging people to use it while we are away.

Owning a second home is an incredible privilege when so many people don't even have one home. I would never be selfish enough to keep it to myself.

Edited to add - we don't pay for a cleaning service in either home. People who stay there clean up after themselves. They often do a better job than I do.