Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

I don’t have a second home, but I’d be the same as you OP. I don’t know why people become so entitled when you have something they don’t.

a family member does have a holiday home but only allows family to stay when they’re there too which is fair enough.

Have you thought of asking to use something really personal to them? 'Yes you can use it, but the week you are away, can teenager [borrow one if necessary!] and friends stay at your house?'

Wow, you’re a lovely person.

Yet you said nothing to the person rudely telling OP to suck it up.

Not everyone is very wealthy and can afford a second home or would morally agree with pricing locals out of their own local area.

So the reason OP's family are asking to use her second home is that they morally disagree with pricing locals out of their own area? Okaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

OP these are your parents. They have sacrificed and invested in you, so you could do well.for yourself. They will have gone without so you can have many things.

And you are now begrudging them staying in your flippin second home sometimes.

Honestly you are being unreasonable and very selfish, unless there's a backstory of them trashing things and squandering their money.

I don’t know what the intention was. But primarily it puts the family who won’t share their holiday home in a bad light.

I would tell them that you're keeping it to yourselves for a while because it's new and you want to be able to go there as much as you can, and that was the entire point of getting it.
To have others in that space means changing the insurance, it means not having all your things there and out.
You may or may not decide later on down the line to allow friends and family to use it, but definitely not this year, probably not next year, and that it will likely only be for people that aren't sarcastic or pushy about it. You didn't buy it as a holiday let business. You bought it for your personal use, and I think your family members are being quite rude and entitled tbh.

It's your house. If it was an expensive item of clothing or jewellery people wouldn't be expecting you to give it to your relatives to wear when you weren't. I don't get why a house makes people feel so entitled to use your stuff!

A more normal set would be second home owners offering a place at a low price when they are not using it. Cleaning fees paid too! Wardrobes would not be explored and people would be very grateful and not make snarky comments. Unfortunately your relatives are not like this!

I don’t disagree with this either, but the problem is that if it’s not being rented out they won’t even have a cleaner or caretaker. So either you trust the family/ friends to clean and lock the place themselves (and IMO you have to really trust them), or next time you arrive it’s an absolute shit tip (see unflushed toilet for 6 weeks and milk left on the side, above).

There are some members of my family I would trust to do this properly and others (in laws) who I absolutely wouldn’t, but it’s even worse if you let some people stay there and not others.

Yes exactly! We do so much for our kids, not in the hopes of getting anything 'back', but because we want them to be kind, decent, loving etc. It must feel awful for an adult child to say 'no mum, what's mine is mine, if you wanted a second home you should have earned more money!!'

Of course it’s your property to do as you see fit with. In the interests of family harmony, would you be able to ring fence e.g, a fortnight a year or whatever when you would be happy to NOT use it and allow your family to ‘book’ in? That way it’s a limited time offering but shuts them up?
My sibling has a second home and has a very open door approach to letting others in the family use it, but then they would also not think twice about being there themselves if they also wanted to use it at the same time!

But OP does give a very clear history of their being thoughtless guests and of them nagging / not listening to her. If their behaviour was different, perhaps she'd entertain the idea of them staying in her home.

They are being incredibly rude but you are being a bit mean. Wouldn't it be better to have the house frequently occupied and aired? Are they reliable people who would clean it immaculately, change the bedding etc? It is a very tricky situation. What if they left the place dirty and you came in and had to change the sheets etc. There'd be even bigger fallings out if they took it for granted, and you don;t want to end up being the unpaid administrator scheduling their holidays.

I think I would pick a few weeks a year when you definitely won't be using it and say it is up for grabs then, provided people clean it and launder the sheets until dry before leaving, and take all rubbish with them, leave the fridge empty and clean etc.

Long term, I suspect you will feel happier if you are on good terms with family and the house is occupied as much as possible. As PP have said, locals will also appreciate this much more than if the house stands empty most of the time on the offchance you might fancy a quick getaway.

I think it’s a dilemma. I know my family would contribute/take care of the place, but some people wouldn’t and may not mention damage or clean up. I’d want to turn up spontaneously, not be appalled at the state it was left in, the lack of basics. Do you lock up everything? Who do you blame for missing/damaged stuff?

I’m moving rurally, very pretty middle of nowhere soon and the amount of people who think they can visit is mad. I’m extremely anti-social hence the middle of nowhere house!

It would be a big no from me. It is a home not a holiday let. I completely understand your need to keep it private.

She shouldn't have to share her home - some of these comments are ridiculous! I can't imagine all those people coming to stay for 2 weeks and not contributing a single penny - that says it all about what sort of people they are so I wouldn't let them stay there either! Enjoy your home with your family and remember of course all these people would happily share their second home with their family because they don't actually have a home to share so don't actually know what it means! Easy to say when it is not you doing it!!!

I’d want to share a second home with our parents …that is, when we are also there. As they are elderly, I wouldn’t want them to have the responsibility of being there alone in case something went wrong.

As for most other family members, no I wouldn't be offering it out to them. I would think it’s quite cheeky of them to ask to be honest.

However, I wouldn’t have a blanket ban on allowing others to use it, but I would be very discerning about letting say a trusted sibling or niece know it was free for so many days if they wanted to go for a small charge as a contribution towards utility bills. Especially so, if I knew they would be helpful in keeping an eye on it. Eg fixing dripping taps, changing a battery in a smoke alarm or mowing the lawn, bringing the bins in etc.

I have noticed that for some folk, if it’s free or cheap, they tend not to value it as much as when they have to pay for it. And that would be a concern for me, as would having to clean it after them or having to leave it uncleaned, for any length of time.

I feel you are either set up for it being a self catering let or you aren’t. Any in-between doesn’t really work efficiently. There will be problems unless there is a great deal of trust.

If anybody did ask directly, I’d simply say …”thanks for your interest in the place, we aren’t in a position to set it up for self catering lets for now, but I’ll let you know if and when we ever we do, …..however there are some nice properties in the village still with availability if you want to look on booking.com. Eg, Seaview cottages are newly renovated and close to the beach if that’s what you are looking for”.

Exactly!

When did people start eyeing up other people’s things for their own use?!

If something is offered - that’s one thing. But to sit there fuming about use of another’s possession is 🤢

Cleaning companies are reluctant to do an irregular clean in an area of high tourism. Sorry if you have trouble comprehending that.

Have you actually spelt this out to them? Say, "Mum, dad, siblings, yes, we'd love to do this, but it means we can't have any spontaneity, and that means that potentially 8 to 16 weeks of every year is going to be used by other people."

It's not just the odd week or the odd long weekend.

I mean these are the choices you make. If you choose not to share things with people they know that you don't view them in that way. You're not obliged to share, just as you're not obliged to visit your family, give them presents, hug them - any number of things. None of these things are required by law. The choices we make shape the relationships we have. It's not about should or ought. It's up to you and everything you choose to do has consequences.

I share things with the family I am close to, and don't with those I am not. That's what close means. I am close with my siblings and we all share with each other - we have lived together at different times. I really go out of my way for them, and them for me. I'm not close to my cousins and we don't do that. And that's fine. It's up to you, and it's also up to them.

Surely that’s your own fault for not setting expectations with the people who didn’t offer to contribute anything (yes it’s bad form on their part not to offer).

A polite message along the lines of “so that all the costs of hosting 10 people don’t fall on us, could I ask that you bring a few bottles, some nice chocolates for after dinner and a dessert for Boxing Day” or whatever.

Do you mean you would have made the sarky comment about sharing the cake? Why wouldn’t you be able to resist making such a douche comment?

I suspect your second home won’t bring you as much joy as you thought it would.

It's incredibly entitled to think that anyone owes you a free holiday.

I’m with you OP, and staggered by the amount of cheeky f*ers on this thread!
It is not immoral to buy a second home - a local person sold it in the first place and happily took the cash!
I have a house in a desirable holiday location - same as you, we will live their one day full time and it’s our home that we come to spontaneously when we feel like it - personal stuff around, clothes, food in fridge etc. We do sometimes let people stay, but only certain very trusted people and when we offer! They always offer some cash to cover the bills too. No one has ever been rude enough asked for a free holiday, but some have asked if they can pay for a week. If we don’t want them we say no, if we do we say yes, but just give something for the bills.

Expecting a free week is the height of cheeky f*ery - it costs to have people in your house - energy and water, let alone any wear and tear or breakages. OP isn’t running a charity!