Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

That’s ridiculous. It’s not as if OP is renting it out as a holiday let, it’s still their home, albeit a second one. I wouldn’t dream of feeling entitled to use a relative’s second home as some kind of god given right.

The entitlement on this thread from people thinking they can enjoy a free holiday on someone else's property its beyond incredible.

OP, keep saying no, smile when the sarcastic remarks begin and move on to speak with someone else.

As you've insightully said, cnce you allow a set of parents to holiday for free, you'll have to do it for the other parents. Same with siblings. Soon enough you won't be able to go to your property because a family member will get cranky the house is not available....even the reason is that you and your family are using it.

It's your house.

And contributed nothing? And they now wonder why you won’t give them your house? I definitely wouldn’t be letting them use my house and I would not be inviting them again, to anything.

I have a second home which is an absolute treasure. I offer use if it to my close family for free & also do occasional rentals to help cover the tax & running costs. Others get mates rates.
So one solution could be for you. To send an email & say that you have rethought your position & they can book at family rates & leave a link on airbnb.
This means you can block out all summer, long week ends, Xmas, school holidays etc. & they can work around your reservations & also pay for a share of water, elec, rates, insurance, grass cutter, chimney sweep, cleaner…..
plus for these grabby relatives, a caveat that the house needs to be left as they find it , ie. Trash emptied & washed, bathrooms & kitchen clean & they provide their own linen & towels.
(They won’t like this either !)
Also one chance only, if it’s left in a mess they pay a fee for a cleaner that you now have to finance.
I bought large bins from ikea & put my clothes in them, but leave them in bottom of wardrobe, same system with toiletries on top of shelving in bathroom , booze I hide ! etc etc, I also leave only small quantities of loo roll/laundry stuff.
If they moan you just say “I’m not a bank.” Because when these people say “it’s no skin off your nose”, actually, it is.

I feel frustrated at their attitude and wanted to talk about it I suppose. My husband has had enough and is ready to distance himself and our younger children from them and sees no point to keep talking about a situation which we can’t stop. We have asked them to stop with their comments and they haven’t. There is no easy answer and I think my husband is probably right.

I'd be inclined to have a family Whatsapp group and just put dates which are convenient to you and let them decide whose turn it is. I can't imagine not letting family use it BUT I wouldn't presume I could use it and it's very poor manners to keep on about it.

It's your property and you are entitled to do with it exactly as you wish. They can of course ask, but they should have shut up after you said no the first time.

I come from a family where holiday homes is the norm and they all take a similar approach to yours, which I completely agree with - and I will do the same with our own in due course.

they have set a hard boundary and the family don't like it! I have family members who are much better off than me, I don't expect to borrow their stuff.

I’m also lucky enough to own a second home. Not only do we let family and friends use it but we also offer it to a charity that provides holidays for disabled children for 8 weeks every year. We still get to use it ourselves numerous times during the year. I just cannot understand your mentality.

We go to my parents for just xmas day and tale things. I wouldn't turn up for a day without contributing, let alone 2 weeks!!

Op its clear they now view it that you and your dh have money and should pay. Nope with that attitude no way I'd let them. As you said you want to be able to go at the drop of a hat. You've paid for the house done the hard work saving its yours to enjoy how you see fit.

The problem is in my experience is that people are really prone to taking the piss - if you let one person use it then they are likely to be thinking ahead and planning their celebrations there for example and have other people they know who can’t afford a holiday and had such a great time there in the summer that they thought they’d love to go at Christmas and then find that as the place is so spacious they’d like to piggyback on to your break etc
And of course once you’ve let one person use it once there are any number of other people who should be allowed to use it “by rights”

So do I. They have shown you who they are, believe it. If anyone asks you why tell them you got bored with the subject.

Yes, my PIL used to have a second home (they are now deceased) and this was their experience. It was driveable for a weekend so they went very often. They did initially welcome family and friends to use it but lots of people took the piss and treated it like a free hotel. Then when PIL went next they'd arrive late on Friday night and have to change bedding then spend Saturday morning laundering bedding and towels and cleaning. They would leave their toiletries and non perishable food and find a lot had been used up and not replaced including toilet roll, toothpaste etc. Like OP they wanted to use it "as a home" but felt more like a holiday let where they didn't get paid.

Then there were people who they'd agreed to stay for weekdays but asked them to be out by Friday as PIL wanted to use it themselves. Then Friday morning visitors would nag to stay as they were enjoying it and oops their train tickets were booked for sunday.

They started making rules for visitors asking them to change and wash bedding and towels before leaving and replace what they'd used (including one time several bottles of wine) and you would not believe how uppity and offended people got, accusing them of being "inhospitable" and "on the make" . Eventually they said immediate family (their adult kids and partners) only.

To be honest I see both sides. Yes it’s your second house and you want to use it when you do. Just have one room or cupboard with a lock on for prized possessions. If not your main home then you won’t have lots and lots there. Just clothes and toiletries and a bit of food so don’t really see a massive issue. I also think it’s not very nice to not let at least parents stay in it. When are you planning on living there full time? If in a couple of years then just say you’re slowly having work done so others can’t stay. If it is 10+ years then I think you are being unreasonable just allow one or two per year to use it. It would benefit the local community having income rather than an empty house for most of the time.

don't be surprised if they reassess your character and their relationship with you.

The levels of entitlement!

I mean, might be nice for the local area and businesses to have people there, spending money rather than sitting empty, but it's up to you.

I think it's fine to keep the house for your own use.

For me, I would want to host/invite parents and siblings sometimes when I am there. (Maybe a weekend once a year for each.)
That would account for about 8 weekends so leaving fewer for private weekends.

Being generous doesn't have to mean people there without you.

One sibling and our adult children bought some food, drinks and games, everyone else treated it as a freebie.

I can't imagine having a second home and telling my late mother that she couldn't have a wee holiday there. Or even my arse father.

In @Dogsintheforest 's circumstances, I think I might have said - "We want to be able to make use of this house at short notice. Hence why we can't just open it up to family as and when they want to use it.

However, there's a few times of the year we're prepared to let people stay there and this is at X/Y/Z times. Allocation will be on a first come, first served basis. Now quit yer whining."

A 2 second google search will tell you that this is, in fact an issue. The home that OP uses a few weeks ago year is obviously jot a tiny bolt hole as they intend to retire to it.

We do let a friend use our washing machine for all her laundry. And a neighbour offered us use of hers when ours was broken. It’s rich people who don’t share!

Mind boggling! Who expects a two week freebie? Oh that’s right, the same people who also expect to use your home for free! I am with your DH here, distance yourself from these awful people.

Yes so clearly the family are not going to change their attitude. So OP has to accept the things she cannot change. If she wants to preserve the holiday home as is her absolute right she has to accept tgat this changes or damages her relationship
with her wider family. So essentially shes choosing between that boundary (or the house if you like) and her family relationships. There’s no point in getting upset either about their attitude or her right to use the house exclusively - both are established but as she is posting on here, clearly she is upset by the change in family dynamics. She can change this to an extent by capitulating on the house but ultimately they see her as better off and resent this.

Well, IF, but things don't have to work like that. You could for example decide to let family use the house for certain weeks each year, and say that parents can use these weeks one year and siblings the next. But you don't have to obviously.

I would let close family use it. Aren't there works you're definitely not there you could let them use it on rotation basis - for the odd weekend here and there? Or two weeks a year for family - they work out who has it and they could pay a fee for it?

My parents had second home and let close family use it - i think they enjoyed letting my cousins who were struggling use it to have a break with their kids.

I get the expectation is annoying. But maybe there's a compromise otherwise its sitting empty and adding very little to the local community?

We're staying in holiday house at the moment that owners use and bits are locked off - could you have a cupboard you lock with stuff you don't want others to use?