Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

You could get a 'rules of the house' poster (etsy) @Dogsintheforest

Clean up.
Wash sheets
Replace groceries/ loo roll etc

Those not doing the above will not be invited back.

Even though I don't have my big country house anymore I hold an annual curry party on Christmas Sunday. Three years running two of my nieces and their children arrive with nothing!
I caught one of the blighters sitting his bum in my disability chair.

I am coming into a substantial amount in the next year (company founder). I shall keep stum.

The bottom line is, those are to saying yes let all your family borrow it are the people who do not have a second home and have not had their fingers burnt by inconsiderate family members. I have.

A pp said block out six weeks for family to be able to use it. That's a joke. When we had the static caravan, it would have meant the whole of the summer holidays because nobody is going to be sat in a caravan on a wet February day! I still would not have done that if it had been a cottage somewhere. Because the whole benefit of it is spur of the moment visits to it, DH saying I can get Monday and Friday off let's go down there, and then finding your rellies are there for 2 weeks

I can’t imagine not letting my parents use a second home when we aren’t in it. You don’t need to let everyone use it. It’s not an all or nothing situation.

But for example if I knew it was going to be free for a few weeks I would likely say to my parents the house is empty if you would like to go. You don’t have to compromise your time there.

Unless you are there every weekend.

We’re also in this situation and we’ve let parents and siblings use it liberally. Everyone knows the rules - you make your own beds when you get there. On your last day you strip the beds and stick the sheets and towels in the wash and hang them out before you leave. Plus leave cash for the cleaner who will arrive the next day. Cleaner will clean and put the dry sheets etc away. No one minds. They understand it’s not a serviced apartment but our second home.

It’s been a pleasure watching our elderly parents enjoy the place so much.

but have you not RTFT? The OP does not want to plan ahead! and why should she have to?

THEY WANT TO BE ABLE TO GO WHEN THEY WANT TO GO. rftt

How hard can it be to say no we aren’t renting it out to anyone including friends and family, it’s our home and then change the subject, walk away etc?

Do you have people stay at your home when you go away?

again why lie, especially such a disprovable one?

Well, you said 'I just don’t understand this thinking.', so I thought you did need it explained.

You said 'I guess if utterly selfish behaviour were modelled by her parents it makes sense where op got it from.'
So you ascribe selfish behaviour to the OP.

It is extraordinary how people will wriggle and try to use semantics to look as if they haven't said the things they have. If you make a statement, at least stand by it.

I bet you wish you never posted lol your house, your rules. All these saintly people sharing their second homes and trying to make you feel bad about YOUR choices is extraordinary. No is a full sentence, don’t feel bad for making your own choices about what you spend your money on and how you utilise a second home. Your family can suck it up like you’ve been told to and accept it

Yes I did. This isn’t planning ahead.

hey mum we aren’t going to the house this weekend if you want to use it.

Perhaps you should also rtft?

grumpy grape
What part of spontaneity don’t you understand ? Also, six weeks with at least eight sets of potential users doesn’t work.
Show quote history

I'm well aware of what spontaneity means, thank you, which is why I used the phrase 'overly impacting'.
I'm also aware that 8 sets of people won't go in 6 weeks, which I why I suggested possibly drawing lots.
The OP said she was hoping to maintain relationships with the people asking to use the place, I was offering something for her to maybe consider, that's all.

Why does the OP need to find a workaround? SHE DOESN'T WANT TO OPEN UP THE HOUSE TO EVERYONE, ffs!
And if her family are anything like some of the people on this thread, I don't blame her one bit.
But even if they're not, she can use it as she (and her dh) see fit. She has already shown exceptional generosity to her wider family by hosting 16 of them (to little gratitude) over Christmas for two weeks so all those calling her selfish and greedy can get in the bin.

This is the second thread I've seen you on where you've been utterly venomous to anyone you don't consider to be hashtag be kind enough - with absolutely zero recognition of the irony.

"I'm so kind and lovely and you utter bastards just won't agree with me on it!!"

OP doesn't need to find a workaround, her house, her prerogative to allow/deny access as she sees fit. She did say in her first post that she enjoys the company of the people requesting to use it, and wants to maintain friendly relations with them. I'm not sure why suggesting options to consider is such an apparent crime? She's under no obligation to even read responses, let alone act on them, so what's the issue?

The entitled people here sound very much like my family and reading their comments has given me the anger I needed to be much firmer with my family. We’ve also decided not to invite any of them for Xmas this year. We aren’t going to be used like that again. If we see less of them, so be it.

We have always been generous with our time and money, but we draw the line with our home.

A few people said we should let them use it as we must be wealthier and they might not be able to afford holidays. All of my family have nice houses, cars, holidays etc. They just want our home too.

I find this bizarre. If OP had started a thread saying "I hosted 16 people for Christmas and only two people brought a contribution", the replies would have been calling her family entitled, CFs etc.; people would have been falling over themselves to say that they wouldn't dreeeeeam of visiting someone for Christmas without taking huge amounts of wine, luxury chocolates, flowers for the hostess and so on.

Yet because OP's thread is about a second home, suddenly hosting and paying for this huge Christmas is no biggie and she should stop moaning.

Correct. Selfish behaviour.
Exactly as I said.
Thats describing a behaviour not a person.
I think OP's behaviour as described by her on this thread is selfish- that's not the same as calling someone names. Equally others think her family's behaviour is rude and entitled. Including OP who has said so.

What exactly are you struggling with here?

Good for you OP. You worked hard for what you have, it's up to you what you do with it.

No what I said was 'You don’t have to but why wouldn’t you? I just don’t understand this thinking. (Before I get a list of reasons I understand why just not the thinking).'

So I understand the reasons and why I just don't understand why anyone would purposely be that selfish by choice.

@Dogsintheforest
Absolutely right!
Well done you. x

You have no idea of my behaviour though other than one this one issue. I don’t want to share my home with anyone but my husband and children when I’m not there.

As I’ve said already, I’ve always been generous with my time and money, but I draw the line at my home. If someone has to share their home to not be told their behaviour is selfish, whatever. It could be said they are displaying selfish behaviour to only be concerned about themselves. Over the years, we have certainly given more than we have received from our family in terms of time, money and stuff. We have babysat, took their children on holiday with us, given them money, lent them things, given them lifts etc. Our home is ours though and it will be staying that way. We will also now be less likely to do other things for them because on reflection, I’ve realised how ‘selfish’ they are.

I’m glad I posted because it’s been the be kind brigade (who haven’t been kind to me) that have really made me find my anger at the situation, which my husband kept saying I needed to do. He’s been saying that I needed to see our family were taking the piss and I need to start feeling annoyed at that. I’m definitely there now.

Exactly, if we go to dinner at someone’s house we take nice wine, chocolates, flowers etc as do they when they come to dinner at our house. For Christmas, I would ask what I could bring and would bring a few good bottles, including champagne. My sister, who is on a limited income, always arrives with food, wine etc when she stays for a few days.