Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

Obviously. That’s why I said personally. But thanks for explaining it to me like I’m an idiot.

But it was to also say that not everyone thinks the same as the OP possibly including her family.

@joy, someone in this crew would look to see when it sold and for how much.

Would you let them wear your underwear? Drive your car? Where is the line drawn. I imagine it cost a lot of THEIR money. Its theirs. Would Auntie share her house with all her stuff in the drawers? Its not like they bought a holiday let to let out as a business and maybe let ppl have mates rates. Op's families' beds, sheets, pillows, their bare arses in her bath.

😂

My family members had a second home overseas in a holiday destination. They didn’t let anyone use it - they said it was their private second home and not a shared family asset to provide cheap holidays for everyone else. Nobody really cared, even if it was a bit of a selfish stance. It’s their house. We weren’t entitled to it.

I was very close to my late parents, and am very close to my sister. If I had a second home, they would be welcome to use it.
My sons have definitely lent their cars to each other to help each other out.
I don't think anyone would want to borrow my underwear but my family members can definitely use my sheets, and my shower - if I had a bath they could use that. That is the way my family works - what we have, we share.

Can you just not say you’ve let it out?

I can't believe the people saying you're being unreasonable. Do these people lend friends and family their own homes for holidays when they are away? And arrange to be away around commitments made to others to use their home? This isn't an air b&b, it's OP's home. She may not live in it 100% of the time - most of us actually don't - but that doesn't oblige her to lend it to others. I also live in a popular holiday destination. If I'm away with work for a week, I don't expect people to ask if they can borrow my house. Or ask me to confirm which weeks I'm not using it next year so they can use it instead.

Personally, having had a holiday home in the past, I was more than happy for close family to use it. Knew they would clean up, lock up etc.

This however wasn't loads of kids, we didn't have any at that point, but even now I would trust those same close family members.

You're comparing family stay there to wearing their underwear? Such a huge difference don't you think?

@Worldinyourhands I’m glad for you that this has been the case but please don’t assume there is zero animosity in the community - because there definitely is. Perhaps you haven’t seen it or perhaps you’re choosing not to, but it’s there.

I’m not rude to second home owners in my area - I’m a decent person (and I would probably let a neighbour know if their fence had blown over too) - but there is significant resentment that people who were born and brought up in our area can no longer afford to buy or rent places to live here because of second home owners who leave their homes empty for the majority of the year. Most, if not all, local people think the same, even if they’re not sharing that with you.

And she’s already sharing it with adult children who take their own partners there.

We’ve been in this situation (not any longer as we sold it).
We set the ground rules very early on with family. They could use it but only on a short notice basis, i.e. if we knew on the Monday we weren’t going that weekend then they could go. They could book further ahead for a week at a time outside of school holidays. They paid to cover the cleaner plus £50 for utilities etc. No accompanying friends or dogs that we didn’t know! Worked well for 10 years until we sold up. We overlapped sometimes which was great. Happy memories (& my in laws are great!)

We have a second home and we don’t let random family or friends stay there. It’s us, our adult children and their partners and if they choose take friends with them that’s fine but nobody else. It’s a home from home, regularly used and as the OP said, if we were to let others use it for weeks at a time it would mean we couldn’t spontaneously go. There is also the fact that if you let it then you have to pay tax on the rent and change your insurance. We have been asked and we just say no we don’t let it out and most people accept that. They will get the message soon enough. We don’t quite live in a socialist country (yet) so you do what you want with YOUR property which you have worked to pay for!

Yanbu - no one uses ours either. I would have to put our things away and don’t want to. Tbh the best thing is to not mention it, most of our wider family don’t know.

It always makes me laugh when people assume there is animosity towards second homeowners in every community. There just isn't. Not all communities are narrow minded. It's a small community so I have a very good awareness of lots of people's views on lots of things (not all of which I agree with) but nobody cares about second homeowners. It might suit your narrative to believe so but it just isn't the case. You're going to have to trust me on that one!

I also personally don't care if people who are 'born and brought up in the area' can live in any particular area. Being born in an area doesn't give you rights to it. Loads of people have to move to more suitable or affordable areas when they're young. Being born in Cornwall (not where my house is - just an example) doesn't give you any more rights to live there than anyone else.

Exactly. No one cares that people born and bred in London can’t afford to stay there.

What a stupid f'kin comment......

People all over the country have to move to where they can afford a house, especially when young. It only seems to be in certain areas - very rural ones with few employment opportunities other than tourism where people expect to be able to stay in the small village they were born in despite it being highly desirable and scenic. In Cornwall there is plenty of affordable housing - it is a bit inland and in the less beautiful areas. There are currently lots of houses for sale due to the double council tax - but they still aren’t suitable for most first time buyers as they are large and often have a ‘premium’ location or view. The council needs to build more affordable homes with restrictions on who can buy them - if you want to be angry be angry that this hadn’t happened. In most of the rest of the country people seem to accept that they have to start somewhere affordable and then try to climb the ladder.

Dear god! Some of the self righteous martyrs on this post🙄. Ignore them OP. It is your home to do with as you like. There is presumably nothing fortunate about owning it, you have had to work hard to be able to afford it. If you don't want to let them use it then fine. Stay strong.

No. It's on the money.

A second home is no different from any other possession.

if We bought a holiday home and didn’t let in-laws /Dsis use it there would be uproar. But if your not comfortable just continue to invite the when it’s convenient for you and shutdown conversations if they raise it.

Excellent points. It is not a holiday let and the OP then has the stress of running her home like one. And I'm not sure 8 different groups of people will leave everything as it should be and that will be added stress. The OP will, without a doubt, be taken for granted. Don't open Pandora's box OP. You are in no way selfish in trying to protect your time and your home. People who won't take No for an answer, are generally not known for their thoughtfulness and consideration.

Right ? And I see from what @m00rfarmhas written it’s a far from unusual experience. I want to love my family not resent them so we’re stopping it now.