Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

I get it OP. My friend has a similar issue, only in her case its a small flat in central London, used as a bolthole when she's working late (NHS emergency doctor) when she can't get back to the family home in Sussex. It's relatively small but admittedly the location is amazing, short walk from Hyde Park and Oxford Street. Suddenly everyone wants to use it for city breaks, shopping trips, concerts etc. She doesn't want anyone there because its very small, she keeps her stuff there, and never knows exactly when she's going to be there. Friends and family were happy making their own arrangements before she bought the flat. Its been a bone of contention ever since.

I'll say again. It belongs to you as a home and not a holiday let. I understand completely where you are coming from. All that use by other people; wear and tear. It doesn't matter that they are family, its a lot of people using your home. If they are not respecting your decision in not allowing them to use it, I doubt they will treat your home with respect. And if you do it for one section of the family, others will expect it, therefore it doesn't get offered to anyone. I hope you enjoy and have fun at your new home.

Exactly like the OP; this is your friend's home. People are chancers, aren't they. If its not offered, they shouldn't be asking.

your house so your decision but I do think it’s very selfish! Long as you don’t mind your family branding you selfish there is no issue at all

I do let my parents stay when I'm on holiday. Why wouldn't I?

I would only invite them for a holiday like the Xmas you had them there. The audacity of them to think they should get to use your home when they want to.....

Not that you should have to, but as a compromise could you offer maybe 6 set weeks a year, not at peak but still when it would be pleasant to go, and if more than one set of people would like a particular week, then draw lots for it? That would hopefully be seen as generous without overly impacting your spontaneity? Hopefully it was also avoid the 'but you let so-an-so stay' argument?

Not surprisex srd at your reticence at allow others to use your holiday home .Sounds very entitled to me, and very large soave. .unless you are absolutely rolling in money and insisted the invitation was totally as your guests, apart from a basic breakfast, I would expect that number of guests to either provide ample wine and beer and sift drinks and nibbles , or doing the shopping tomorrow a family lunch and an evening meal on at least one day in their stay, conjunction with the other family members ,or take you out for a meal as thank you

Did Amy of them.help clear up and change beds etc before they left ? Did you get any flowers for hosting them. What gratitude did they express

"The one we stayed in most recently, each bedroom had a fitted wardrobe that had been adapted to have half the space empty for the use of paying stayers and the other half locked for the belongings of the usual occupants."

We have a cupboard that is kept locked to hold housekeeping supplies. I regret to say it has been broken into a number of times...

@Dogsintheforest I’d absolutely be willing to let my family use it, but that’s just me. So IMO, YABU.

And I concur with the poster that said this is the worst of second home owners - I was born and have lived all my life in a town that’s now overrun with second homes many of which are largely empty for the majority of the year. Second home owners who significantly under use their homes and allow them to remain empty for large periods of time are despised around here. At least holiday lets bring money to the local economy, selfish second home owners who keep their houses for their own use only are despised. If you’re planning on retiring where your second home is and trying to integrate into the local community, you’re making life very hard for yourselves by starting this way.

It works for me. What more can I say?

My parents housed me for 18 years so yes I would let them use my second home (if I had one). I’d probably dictate the terms though: “we won’t be using the house in [dates], would anyone like to stay then?” (plus ask them to cover the cleaning fee). There have been periods of time in my life where I have had the benefit of having an empty property and I have let people use it for free - but asked them to pay the cleaner.

If I didn’t share AT ALL I would indeed expect them to bitch about me behind my back. But I think your family are being rude to keep bringing it up when you have explained! It does also sound a bit like you are feeling more generally taken advantage of, which I get. So basically… I think it’s a bit mean of you not to let them use it at all (your prerogative of course!) but your family’s response is unreasonable… and if this is the way they act generally maybe it explains why you don’t really want to share!

Have you read and understood OP has at least eight sets of potential ‘users’ possibly vying for access to the home she and her close family manage to use without issue ?

Eight sets of people are not going to shut up and work things between themselves if the OP offers two weeks here and there. And, what happens if OP or her adult children suddenly decide they want to take advantage of a spell of good weather, a local event, etc. ?

I don’t like suggesting a lie, but the OP has told them about the property and they seem like the kind of people that just won’t give up unless they hear something that would make the place less available (since they didn’t accept “no”). It might buy some time until they forget about it. Personally I’d not have told them but the cat’s out of the bag.

As long as it’s OK for OP to ‘brand’ her extended family as ‘entitled’.

What part of spontaneity don’t you understand ? Also, six weeks with at least eight sets of potential users doesn’t work.

But OP doesn’t know when she won’t be using her second home. Giving set dates takes away one of her prime considerations of spontaneity and as she has at least eights sets of potential users how many dates should she block out of HER calendar to accommodate them ?

She probably also doesn't want to have the faff of trying to get them to deal with employing cleaners, changing beds, doing laundry, replacing cupboard foods, etc. etc.

The only opinions worth listening to are people who have second homes and say what they do with them. It's very easy for everyone else to lend out their imaginary holiday homes. 😁

I personally have a holiday home and I don't lend it out. It's mine and my stuff is there and I don't want to. Nobody is entitled to use my stuff that I worked hard and paid for and if they think they are - tough. And if anyone thinks I'm mean - I don't care at all.

Nobody is allowed to use my hair straightners when I'm not using them either, and I don't use them for most of the day. Or my car on my days at home. Or wear the expensive coat I rarely wear. Or take my dog a couple of days a week because they want a dog and can't afford one. If i WANTED to lend any of these things of course I could, and I'd offer, but nobody should ask and nobody should sulk or be rude. It's entitled behaviour.

Also, just to say, as a second home owner we've been made really welcome in the local community. Zero animosity ever. Lovely neighbours. Lovely friends. People who watch out for us when we're not about and text me to say the fence is down in the storm or who pop our bins out if we go before bin day and who pop round with cake and stay for ours of chatting and tea when they see our car there at the weekend.

I'm well aware of what spontaneity means, thank you, which is why I used the phrase 'overly impacting'.
I'm also aware that 8 sets of people won't go in 6 weeks, which I why I suggested possibly drawing lots.
The OP said she was hoping to maintain relationships with the people asking to use the place, I was offering something for her to maybe consider, that's all.

We have a second home that we have had for 15 years. We use it a lot and have lots of personal items and a second set of clothes there etc.

We allow our family to use it without us and wouldn’t dream of refusing. We also let some trusted friends use it. When we are not there, it is just sitting empty. What is the point of money and assets if not to share it with those you love?

Agree, and it doesn't sound like the house is abroad anyway as they and the adult kids are going on weekends.

It's VERY rude of them to keep pestering you. Remember if it's in text or something, you don't need to even answer. If it's face to face grey rock time.
It's absolutely not up to anyone else what you choose to do with Ur stuff.

Hatscarfgloves, if you tap 'See All' under the OP, you'll see why doing things your way won't work.

Surprising to see all the people who will vote Reform/Restore in the next GE, though. After all, since you're so horrified at the lack of social housing for indigenous Brits, you certainly support remigration, right? Nice to see it's not true that Mumsnet leans heavily left.

This is just London but coming to a quaint little village near you if Burnham/Labour get their way: 2021 census data shows that 47.6% of social housing in London is lived in by immigrants.

www.london.gov.uk/who-we-are/what-london-assembly-does/questions-mayor/find-an-answer/social-housing-provision-immigrants

My friend had a static caravan she let her family and friends use.
Every scrap of food and drink, even the contents of the children's sweetie jar would be scoffed and not replaced.
No offers to pay for electricity used.
They thought this was ok to do!
She sold it!

Just tell them you've sold it.