Active discussions

Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Family upset we will not let them use our second home

869 replies

Dogsintheforest · 04/08/2026 07:38

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

OP posts:
Grammarnut · 04/08/2026 19:30

I have a holiday home and I let all my relatives and their friends use it. If I wanted to go I just went (with late DH) and often hosted friends and family - we always had a good time and were happy when people went by themselves and had a good time, too. It was big enough for several people, admittedly. We left personal stuff all over it without a thought because we trust our family. Perhaps we are odd?
We expected people to bring food to be shared and alcohol ditto and restock the bar if they drank what was there - they always did.
If your holiday home is abroad I don't see how you can just up and go, anyway, so you could plan round relatives - don't you need to organise annual leave etc? I have always found spontaneity very disappointing. Planned is always better.

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 04/08/2026 19:33

m00rfarm · 04/08/2026 18:58

I am with you (with regards to friends using second home). I had a set of expensive mugs (well known brand given to me as a present) and one of my "friends" apparently broke one. So they generously replaced ALL of them with some shitty stuff from Tescos, and took my expensive mugs back home with them and expected me to be grateful. And then three sets of friends drank their way separately through a bottle of gin (one inch left in the bottom) and a load of wine, replacing the wine with cheap crap, and no one replacing the gin as the bottle still had something in it ...

When I asked someone to make a contribution to the running costs for the three weeks they were there, they bought me a bunch of flowers from the local petrol station.

You are using it regularly yourselves and your adult children. I don't see the problem. I would be tempted to say to your relatives to let you know when they want to go - and then make sure you are using it every date they suggest. If you don't want anyone in there, then that's fine. It is yours. Not theirs.

I loved the car analogy. If one of your relatives has a second car, just ring up randomly and say when can you collect the keys to the car as you need to use it. See what they say ...

Edited

I'm assuming you have unfriended these awful people.

Given I wouldn't want to see these people ever again, I would have no hesitation in asking for like-for-like replacement of the mugs, and also tell them the flowers don't really cut it as a contribution and you would like £x amount per family.

This is why having other people, whether family or friends, in your space can cause problems. Because some are CF.

I wouldn't dream of drinking most of someone's booze and wine , and not replacing it. Ditto foodstuffs. And I would be leaving extras as a thank you, as well as some cash to cover utilities etc. I do that when I stay with a friend for a weekend in the UK!

As PP have said, OP hasn't got a 'holiday let', she has a second HOME. Full of her and her family's personal things. I wouldn't allow the number of family members OP has to use it. Given their attitude so far, I wouldn't trust them to be considerate 'lodgers'.

Ohnobackagain · 04/08/2026 19:34

Tell them you’ve rented it out for most of the time and only have a few weeks for yourselves so it just isn’t possible@Dogsintheforest

godmum56 · 04/08/2026 19:34

CypressMoon · 04/08/2026 17:30

But do it the other way round. Block off a week here and there when you know you don't want it and say those are the weeks that are up for grabs. The rest of the time, it's booked up for OP's personal use.

Show quote history

or just say "we are keeping it for us to use"

godmum56 · 04/08/2026 19:34

Ohnobackagain · 04/08/2026 19:34

Tell them you’ve rented it out for most of the time and only have a few weeks for yourselves so it just isn’t possible@Dogsintheforest

honestly why lie?

godmum56 · 04/08/2026 19:37

Grammarnut · 04/08/2026 19:30

I have a holiday home and I let all my relatives and their friends use it. If I wanted to go I just went (with late DH) and often hosted friends and family - we always had a good time and were happy when people went by themselves and had a good time, too. It was big enough for several people, admittedly. We left personal stuff all over it without a thought because we trust our family. Perhaps we are odd?
We expected people to bring food to be shared and alcohol ditto and restock the bar if they drank what was there - they always did.
If your holiday home is abroad I don't see how you can just up and go, anyway, so you could plan round relatives - don't you need to organise annual leave etc? I have always found spontaneity very disappointing. Planned is always better.

Edited

why can you not just up and go to "abroad"? Why should they have to plan round relatives? Your dislike of spontaneity is not universal.

emmadoher · 04/08/2026 19:39

Wow. I wouldn’t DREAM of banishing my own parents from my property after they sodding well raised me!

Breathtaking.

Dontevenlookatme · 04/08/2026 19:45

emmadoher · 04/08/2026 19:39

Wow. I wouldn’t DREAM of banishing my own parents from my property after they sodding well raised me!

Breathtaking.

The OP hasn’t banished them, she has hosted them, she just doesn’t want her home used when she’s not in it. And your parents are not her parents.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/08/2026 19:46

A friend of mine let a couple use their beautiful cottage that they had completely renovated and furnished with high end furniture. The woman got so drunk she peed the bed - a lot. They had to replace the bedding, mattress and carpet. She barely apologised and did not contribute a penny, she even made a comment along the lines of ‘it’s a good job you can afford it or I’d feel really bad’

Yes, @Carpedimum, and after all OP's said about these CFers that's exactly the kind of thing I'd half expect

It's also why asking them to pay to stay may be an even worse idea, as in "The cheeky cow's got all that money and she charged us!! Right, so we'll make sure we get our money's worth!!"

godmum56 · 04/08/2026 19:47

magpie2907 · 04/08/2026 18:13

sorry but I think that is a bit of a strange perspective. Second homes are a bit of a luxury nowadays especially when you consider many couples with good careers may never be able to afford that just based on the housing market being crazy. Not sure it is unreasonable that some family may hope to use it, although you of course are under no obligation to let them.

its the banging on about it that is unreasonable and also bloody rude

Fiddy1964 · 04/08/2026 19:48

SamuraiSally · 04/08/2026 07:53

This is exactly why people hate second home owners.

Not only are you not living in the community and using the property as a home, you're not allowing others to use it and contribute to the local economy. For the local community it's the worst of both worlds. A house effectively being hoarded and under utilised for a large portion of the year.

It doesn't make any difference that you intend to live there at some point in the future, you're planning on under using a house for a period of time whilst there is a national housing shortage.

Thankfully the government is cracking down on second homes and making sure they contribute more meaningfully to the community economically.

If you're relatives are struggling to have holidays, why not be generous of spirit and let them. If you chose not to that is of course your choice but don't be surprised if they reassess your character and their relationship with you.

Agree 100% with this post.

grumpygrape · 04/08/2026 19:48

Dogsintheforest · 04/08/2026 07:38

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

A few observations.

There seems to be a misunderstanding regarding the differences between; Second Home, Holiday Home, and Holiday Rental.

OP has a Second Home which she hopes will become her and her husband’s sole post-retirement Home.

She uses the home a lot and values the flexibility of being able to decide at short notice to use the home. She has adult children she trusts to use and treat the home responsibly.

She has at least eight potential groups of users, who, if she tried to accommodate their requests, would severely reduce the times she and her adult children could enjoy the investment and frequently take away her ability to be spontaneous about visits.

But, the issue the OP was introducing was that after explaining this and saying ‘No’, her wider family members are continually being awkward, entitled, making snide remarks, etc.

happybug1234 · 04/08/2026 19:49

Gosh you sound mean spirited

Violetwall · 04/08/2026 19:51

There is something deeply unpleasant about arriving at your home to find it grimey.
Food gone off, just a quick wipe, bathrooms not given a
Stables used and proper clean, stables used and not replaced.

Variations of the above, when it occurs, is the reason many are wary.

The idea of having to provide fresh laundry regularly for people coming to my holiday home is enough to put me off.

Far too much effort.

dementedmummy · 04/08/2026 19:53

Dogsintheforest · 04/08/2026 07:38

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

Sweet Jesus OP - when you posted this, did you realise all of your family and friends were on here ready to condemn you? The level of entitlement on here is incredible. This is YOUR house. At present it is a second house which will shortly be a main house. You are sorting out the second house so YOU can live in it. While it is being sorted out, no wonder you don't want people living it and no wonder you don't want your family in it as they will probably exercise squatters rights and never leave because they think you have enough wealth to keep everyone. I'm with you. No is a full sentence. Let me guess, if you go out for a family dinner, you are expected to pick up the tab because you have a good job and look after your money. Ice creams are on you on an outing. Expensive present requests come your way with a wall calender or pair of socks coming your way. You are not being entitled, lazy or selfish to say no to people not just staying with you, but expecting you to not use your own property for multiple weeks a year so they can get a holiday. What would they have done had you not bought the house? The world has gone absolutely mad that not letting multiple people use an asset you haven't had a chance to use as you see fit is somehow selfish. Plus you would need a different type of insurance - at your expense. Good luck OP. I feel for you.

Zerosleep · 04/08/2026 19:54

This is why you keep your business private and don’t tell everyone everything. If they didn’t know, they wouldn’t ask.

Blanknotebook · 04/08/2026 19:57

Are they offering to contribute to the double council tax that second home owners are charged? I think not.

FriendlyNPC · 04/08/2026 19:59

HotGrapefruit · 04/08/2026 14:36

All these people saying "For two weeks a year family can use it" have NO CLUE how complicated that would be to arrange. And if you said "sort it out among yourselves" they would STILL be messaging saying 'oh no Dave said he wants the dates that we want, can you help?' "Oh if we have three nights each then I only have one night, and i can only do the week after you said?"

Then they'd each leave it messier than the previous person. And probably all fall out with each other and leave it up to YOU to be some of mediator.

As other posters have said, it's very easy to offer to lend out other people's houses...

Well maybe, but lots of us have functioning families that we can say no to, and who don't take the piss.

If I had a second home and said it's available for these two weeks here and those two weeks there, create a calendar and deal with it - they would. I trust them to do that.

dementedmummy · 04/08/2026 20:01

Zerosleep · 04/08/2026 19:54

This is why you keep your business private and don’t tell everyone everything. If they didn’t know, they wouldn’t ask.

Edited

This is the problem with the world - other people being unable to celebrate someone else's success. Of course family members should be able to share good news. They shouldn't however have to deal with grabby family members using assets before the owner has had the opportunity to do what they want with it!

cornflakecrunchie · 04/08/2026 20:03

@Dogsintheforest
Feeling a bit grumpy at the mo, but not going to let it affect my reply!
Not read the full thread, but NO, just NO! How would family members feel if you just expected to stay at their house? Use their car? You bought the place for your own use, & as you say, if Tom, Dick & Harry are always there, when do you get chance to use it?

People are SO damn entitled these days. Pisses me off.

likelysuspect · 04/08/2026 20:08

Interesting thread. I cant be bothered to read past page 7 because of the sheer entitlement spreading throughout society

OP has a boundary. I thought we respect boundaries. I thought we respect other people's decisions about their OWN PROPERTY

Quite incredible some of these posts.

Zerosleep · 04/08/2026 20:08

dementedmummy · 04/08/2026 20:01

This is the problem with the world - other people being unable to celebrate someone else's success. Of course family members should be able to share good news. They shouldn't however have to deal with grabby family members using assets before the owner has had the opportunity to do what they want with it!

Show quote history

I agree but a lot of the time unfortunately it’s easier just to keep it to yourself and much less hassle. Sad I know but it seems to be how it is these days.

Metalmotha · 04/08/2026 20:09

I don’t agree with people having second homes but that’s not what you’ve asked. Of course you’re not being unreasonable not letting others use it. You clear the flexibility on a Thursday of thinking oh it’s given out a lovely weekend let’s go, you don’t want to have to think oh no we can’t use the property because auntie maud is having another freebie.

I can’t believe people on this thread thinking you’re selfish. Maybe they can let anyone who wants come and borrow their car whenever they like for as long as they like

changeme4this · 04/08/2026 20:12

I would feel sad as a parent my DC not “allowing” me to stay from time to time, but neither would I be fiddling with their belongings either.

on the flip side, in my much younger years I asked an uncle if I could use their coastal unit for a few days. I was dating a moron and really needed to disappear to get my head back together. Finances were not great for me then.

my parents had housed this uncle after his first marriage broke up and had lent him money years before which was never repaid. he and I were always close. I was surprised when he replied I had to speak with my 2nd Aunt but probably not…

maybe just box tick that you haven’t been extended the same courtesy in the past…. ?

AnonyMumAuDHD · 04/08/2026 20:13

theneighboureatmysalad · 04/08/2026 13:54

you insist on twisting things, it's nothing to do with boundaries. It's funny, why does it bother you so much that people can call each other, and stay at each other place if or when needed?

people think they have an automatic right of access to other family member’s homes.
it's not that at all. Maybe because it's not an automated right, and people have been raised with the right boundaries and manners, thats' the difference.

not to cadge a free weeks’ free accommodation to a well-known holiday location.
wow what a nasty way to put it. I am glad my friends are not like you 😂

When my sibling call and say they're in London the next week, or my nephew is coming for the weekend, I naturally invite them over. If I am not here, I invite them and leave the keys. No one is saying you are wrong because you tell them to pay for a hotel and respect your boundaries 😂. Just that you are weird.

Show quote history

Then every single person I know it weird. And when that’s the case… it’s not us that’s weird.

How is it manners to assume entry to someone’s home when they are not there? It’s manners to assume you don’t intrude (especially in their absence), that you wait to be invited, that you ask permission and agree in advance. I never leave my keys for friends because I don’t need to - they live around the corner? And why would my family NEED to come to my home when I am not there? They have no interest in visiting my home town when I am not there and most of them live in London already so need access to our second home? They go home to theirs.

And I am glad that my friends are not like you and yours - mine have travelled around the world to see us - when OF COURSE they would stay in my home. We have plenty of room in our primary property. We are delighted to host them. But no, they don’t call up and say ‘hey, that flat you bought for your [autistic] daughter? We’re down for a boy’s sports weekend at Lords and piss up next week [or bringing the family to London for a holiday, or whatever]. Thought we’d use your flat. She won’t mind, will she?’

Because that would be rude, weird and serious cheeky fuckery.

Am not going to engage further because I am fed up of you being rude, derisive and directing personal insults at me. I’m not weird. And fortunately, neither are my lovely, considerate and polite family.