Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

I'm really surprised by the level of outrage at the OP from some posters.

My sister has a holiday home in a lovely spot. She has invited us to stay with them but I wouldn't dream of asking her to use her house when she isn't there. it is her home - all their stuff is there.

I have a second place not in a holiday place but in my home place. at the beginning when we got it first I would have lent it to someone. Now it is our home. our stuff, our private papers, our clothes - everything is there. We close the door behind us and leave. I don't want to be moving my stuff into locked wardrobes etc. Also I want to be able to go there whenever I want. I don't want to think "well I can't use it next week because aunty X is there and the weeks after christmas are off too" I saved for 20 years to buy it. i want it to be my home.

If I bought a holiday let and used it myself a few weeks a year I'd lend it to someone if I felt they really needed it. but I didn't buy a holiday let and neither did OP.

stunned that you won’t even allow parents or siblings to use a vacant holiday home just incase you might decide on a whim to use it!! Can you honestly not sacrifice 8 weekends- and explain to them that’s why you are limiting time offered. I think they are a bit crass to keep calling you out on it - but I think your selfishness at denying your close family the opportunity of a break way outweighs it - unless of course they are all millionaires and can freely and easily afford to jet off wherever and whenever they wish!!

Nope . I spoke of behaviour and choices only

I'm with the OP too.

We are a two-car family. I have been at home all today and my car has been sitting outside unused. Should I have been letting someone else use it - after all, it was sitting there empty.

You do sound selfish... I don't understand why you wouldn't share such a nice thing...

Hey. I mean it’s yours….you don’t want to let family or parents use it then dont

sinple

Share? Why should they give other people free holidays?

Set it up as an air BnB, reserve the dates you want it for, then make some more money out of your rellies! I’m sure they’d love that…. 🤣

when we've been away I've absolutely let my parents stay in my home. They are my parents!! They shared theirs with me for over two decades without which I wouldn't have got very far in life 😅

Because the place is empty and they are her parents and siblings...?

I agree with this. There's a national housing shortage, OP should not buy a second home and then leave it empty!

At least if your family holiday there they'll contribute to the economy there. I personally think you're BU OP! And my family have second homes but they're rented out or used - not sat idle for most of the year. When there's so much of a housing shortage in the UK it is a bit awful to do that

Yes and pay the repair bills as there's not as much value in something given for free but there is in something you worked for. Sorry OP but your family are entitled freeloaders.

Never a borrower nor a lender be, says the old proverb. There's a reason for it. Lending will cause more problems than not lending.

But if and when you want to use it, you can say no.

I understand why you might want to not let people use it, but that isn't good reasoning.

More relevant would be the awkwardness around them damaging it, accidentally burning it down or similar.

It's a tricky one, because I have to be honest it does come across as a bit selfish, but then again I guess we all own lots of things that we keep to ourselves and for our own use.

Following your logic when we go on holiday we should allow others to come and stay in out house. I mean its empty 🤷

Who are these entitled morons ?

I would absolutely allow family and close friends to use it. If I was in a position to have a second home it would bring me joy to allow others to also enjoy somewhere they might otherwise not be able to visit. We had elderly neighbours who owned a second home in France and allowed us to use and we were so grateful. The owners always joked we left it cleaner than it was when we arrived! Obviously if people abused my generosity and left the place a mess I wouldn’t allow them to use it again.

"""You can choose not to let family use your second home. But you can’t be surprised that they are put out by that and make the odd remark"""

Why should anybody make amy kind of remark about not being given use of other people's property?
I say this as a person who had a holiday home in a very popular place and I loved lending it to friends so they could enjoy it too

However it was never EXPECTED. I had no problem with people asking and if it worked for us I was happy for them to use it. But expecting and demanding?
Nope.

Equally, people are perfectly entitled not to lend out.
The world is full of cheeky fuckers who given an inch will push and push.

I am with you (with regards to friends using second home). I had a set of expensive mugs (well known brand given to me as a present) and one of my "friends" apparently broke one. So they generously replaced ALL of them with some shitty stuff from Tescos, and took my expensive mugs back home with them and expected me to be grateful. And then three sets of friends drank their way separately through a bottle of gin (one inch left in the bottom) and a load of wine, replacing the wine with cheap crap, and no one replacing the gin as the bottle still had something in it ...

When I asked someone to make a contribution to the running costs for the three weeks they were there, they bought me a bunch of flowers from the local petrol station.

You are using it regularly yourselves and your adult children. I don't see the problem. I would be tempted to say to your relatives to let you know when they want to go - and then make sure you are using it every date they suggest. If you don't want anyone in there, then that's fine. It is yours. Not theirs.

I loved the car analogy. If one of your relatives has a second car, just ring up randomly and say when can you collect the keys to the car as you need to use it. See what they say ...

Love how you’ve ignored this comment OP.
this will bells on.
you won’t be popular.

In my experience, just keep saying no. It is a very, very slippery slope to letting a select few go & then they get the hump when they can’t go precisely when they want to. Worse, without asking for permission ‘Sue & David from the golf club’ have tagged along with the relatives, and their son & his girlfriend and her parents stop over for a night. Your HOME becomes a free for all. You feel deep resentment and end up having a big row that causes a deep rift in the wider family. A friend of mine let a couple use their beautiful cottage that they had completely renovated and furnished with high end furniture. The woman got so drunk she peed the bed - a lot. They had to replace the bedding, mattress and carpet. She barely apologised and did not contribute a penny, she even made a comment along the lines of ‘it’s a good job you can afford it or I’d feel really bad’. Just avoid the strife by repeating no.

A valid point, BillyBites, and here's another ...

Since the place is obviously big enough to host so many people, just how high are the chances of the demanding relatives and friends visiting it just "as a two" or whatever?
With attitudes like this, and once they had the keys, there's every chance they'd be asking even more random (to OP) people to join them, because "We didn't think you'd mind"

I don't have a second home myself, but a friend who does once allowed an acquaintance with a sob story to use it - or so she thought
What actually happened was that the acquaintance stayed home but passed the keys to another random ... and charged him

3 words. Mexican House Thief.

I'd be phasing them out, incredibly entitled behavior.

Or indeed anyone with spare bedrooms in their main house should be allowing others to stay whenever they fancy.. in a housing crisis surely they shouldn't be hogging such a big house all to themselves 🙄

The housing crisis argument is a non starter. There’s no shortage of houses being built for those who can afford to buy. There are estates springing up all over the place.

The shortage is in social or affordable housing. The OP’s future retirement abode is unlikely to be in either of those categories.