Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

and another, and easier, option is to say "we are keeping it for our own use."

Unthinkable in our family.
Yes, in YOURS. That's precisely the point.
they're entitled to think you're a stingy cow They come for Christmas, don't contribute money or food, don't lift a finger to help, and she's the stingy cow because she has a holiday home and doesn't want to invite them to use it? Aye right.
cool the relationship down in the future Well, they're not at the moment, are they? They're still badgering her about the house.
and/or refuse help should you ever need it. That is straight-up hilarious. What sort of help can you imagine these people giving?
The OP seems to have one sibling and adult children who have some basic decency; I'm sure they'd help her if she needed it.

What were you looking to achieve by telling them you have a lovely holiday home? What do you mean 'achieve'? Maybe she was just having a conversation with family and didn't expect it to go the way it did?
Sounds to me like you either overshare or enjoy a little boast and this time its biting you hard on the arse.
What a bitchy thing to say. How on earth is it 'boasting' to mention a house you've bought?

Setting aside any ethical/moral arguments about second home ownership, which aren't really relevant to your issue here - there is a difference between a 'second home' and a 'holiday cottage'. Your second home is literally that - your home. You have two homes which you divide your time between, not a home and a holiday cottage.

I'm pretty sure that most of the posters telling you you're being tight, unkind, mean etc would probably not be very impressed if, every time they went on holiday, their cousin phoned up and said "Great, we'll come and live in your house and sleep in your bed and have access to all your private stuff while you're away because we fancy a free change of scene. Obviously you won't be able to make any last minute changes to your holiday plans, because we'll be using your house for free that week." And that is, in effect, what your relatives are asking of you. They're asking to take over your home for a week or two, which therefore restricts your own access to it - that's not like booking a holiday let that you run as a business and YANBU. They're being really entitled.

Or maybe they were excited about it and it slipped out.

Even on here the OP's attitude is a bit we have this lovely place that's all ours and the rest of your plebs wouldn't understand.

I think all of this depends how she comes across irl.

People are entitled and batshit @Dogsintheforest - some of the responses on this thread are a prime example. Your home, your rules. If others don't like that, that's their problem. Given what you've said about how they are behaving, I wouldn't let any of them have access either.

I would initially be really upset about this freeloading, and then really fucking angry.
Such a sense of entitlement!

I would not have been able to let that go. I would have said to them all that we were happy to host, but not pay for EVERYTHING for two weeks. I would have suggested a contribution of x amount per head/family.

And I wouldn't be inviting them again!

As usual so many people missing the point. The Op isn't asking if she is unreasonable to not let CF family stay at her home which they have already taken the mickey with at Christmas but if she is reasonable to be pissed off that they keep asking and badgering her and no she is not unreasonable! At no point has she boasted about it, implied she doesn't like her family or said half the things that people on her have assumed! Op enjoy your home for yourself and your family and if anything changes in the future where you might want to let family who would contribute stay there then that is great but if not then enjoy😍

But that is EXACTLY what happens. The good weather comes and everybody thinks they have the right to use it, except you. Because if it’s blocked off for someone else then you can’t go, and if it’s not blocked off, you get inundated with requests.

Your kids would only know if they were snooping!

I'd be surprised. They're adults, behaving like foot-stamping 2 year olds.

But do it the other way round. Block off a week here and there when you know you don't want it and say those are the weeks that are up for grabs. The rest of the time, it's booked up for OP's personal use.

I am sympathetic OP. We own a 2nd home which we use in the same way as you, going there frequently especially in the summer. Like you, we keep personal items there and plan to retire there. My DH has a large family overseas who all constantly asked to stay in it - we allowed it a few times but it always felt like an airbnb free to them in a fantastic location while we had all the inconvenience of leaving the place clean, tidy & unoccupied for them.
So DH put a stop to it

I understand a bit why the relatives of the OP are a bit miffed but I’m with the OP on this one; they’d have to allow all their relatives to use it if they allowed just one or two and how does one pick and choose which one or two get use of it? The OP knows her relatives far better than anyone on this site and if she feels they aren’t going to be given free weeks or weekends, that’s her prerogative, it’s her house.
I don’t have a second home but if I did, I’m not sure I’d want my relatives using it when the reason I’d bought it was to use when I wanted to stay there on a spontaneous weekend or week and I like my relatives. I’ve seen how little care a few of them have for their own homes so I’m not sure they’d look after mine any better.

Wouldn’t work. Because they’d be saying, “if you can give us those weeks, why can’t you give us the ones we want?” And how does she share those two weeks out across numerous family members?

There’s no way to compromise on this OP and YANBU to feel pissed off at being put under this pressure. You just have to tough it out I’m afraid. And maybe change the locks.

Technically, no, you don't "have" to.

But if I had a second home, I couldn't imagine not letting family use it for a week here and there (privided they cleaned it thoroughly at the end of their stay).

I guess not everyone is kind, considerate, or generous. If that's the type of person you are, OP, don't be surprised if those closest to you don't have the highest opinion of you.

OP does let some of her family use their second home. Her adult children can use OP's second home.

The relatives that she knows, based on experience, would take the piss aren't invited.

You also imply that you are kind, considerate and generous because, unlike OP, you would definitely let people stay in your second home. I would say that self-praise is no recommendation and it's very easy to be generous with an imaginary holiday home.

I don't understand the commenter accusing op of boasting and questioning why she told them, while also admitting her family know she has a second home. And op did host them for Christmas so if course they know it exists.

I think the comments criticizing op and saying they'd judge her character are outrageous. My cousin has a second home that they put in a lot of work to make it how they want it, and of course to pay for it. I'd never dream of asking her to stay there. I know she's particular about her private space, as is her right! I've done nothing to be owed cottage access.

Agree hence the ride it out bit.

Well said. It's easy to be generous with someone else's time, work, vacation time sacrificed and private space.

Whilst they are in the house, they will be using electric and/or gas, water, and so forth. Which would mean big double utility bills for you. So it’s not just about them using the place, is it?

I saw, hence the squabble to use it of first come first served bit.

I so agree. Every case is different. There are loved ones and family who would leave a second home as they found it, they would stock up on what they used, they would thank the owner and maybe even leave a bottle of wine as thanks.

And there are those who do nothing like that.

sorry but I think that is a bit of a strange perspective. Second homes are a bit of a luxury nowadays especially when you consider many couples with good careers may never be able to afford that just based on the housing market being crazy. Not sure it is unreasonable that some family may hope to use it, although you of course are under no obligation to let them.