Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

I think OP is sharing with her loved ones, it's just entitled relatives she doesn't want to share with.

I did this. Left a beautiful village in the West Country many years ago and moved to London. I still visit the village regularly and from time to time I think about buying a cottage which I could now afford. But I’ve seen the devastating effect of second home ownership on the village and no decent person would ever do it. There are young local people desperate for housing.

I think you’re entirely reasonable OP. At first I thought sharing would be the expected thing but I realized my parents have a holiday home in a very desirable ski town and I don’t EXPECT that I just get to use it. They do rent it out (but REALLY don’t need the money.) but also are a bit funny about us staying or if we decide not to go at the last minute because DC are sick or something and I feel a bit annoyed but absolutely think it’s their space. And they don’t even use it that much or keep personal stuff there. DH’s family have a second home that they go to most weekends and it would seem insane if people thought they were entitled to just use it. And none of the family does think they are entitled!

No, they hate second home owners because they envy them, that is all. They too, want to have second homes, but can't. It is very simple.

At one point we were thinking of buying a holday home, we didn’t in the end but going through the process I had reacurring nightmares about mine and dh’s families wanting to stay there. If you say yes to one then you have to say it to everyone and we both did not want that. We have several family members who we’d want nowhere near our empty home. So I do syphathise with you @Dogsintheforest

On a much lower level, we work in an industry where we can get free tickets to festivals, theatre, gigs etc. which would usually cost hundreds of pounds. We were constantly asked for free tickets and we’ve recently started saying No because the entitlement is astounding. Never hear a word from someone for years then a text asking for freebies. 🤔 There’s only one family member who has ever said more than a quick thank you, we were out for a meal and she insisted on paying for it for all the free tickets she’d had. Nothing else from anyone, not a box of chocolates, a little thank you card, absolutely zilch. They can all F Off.

Don't be silly - you're better than that.

I honestly can't imagine not letting my parents or brother stay in my holiday home. Or my own daughter saying, 'Sorry, Mum, but no, you can't stay' in the future. Unthinkable in our family.

Sure, you're entitled to do whatever you want; it's your property. But at the same time, they're entitled to think you're a stingy cow, cool the relationship down in the future and/or refuse help should you ever need it.

Surely your friends and family who use the place would contribute to cover the council tax if they’re getting free holidays.

We let all our family and close friends use our house and are happy for our adult kids to go with all their friends too. I like sharing my love for the area with them. That said, I don't let anyone use our bedroom as I'm super weird about other people sleeping in our bed (and not afraid to admit it!). Plus, that means if we impulsively want to go when other family/friends are there, we can.

This is absolutely bang on, once you start, it’d never stop, your things would be ruined, broken, go missing.

they’re being unspeakably rude. Be blunt and tell them.

my dh wanted a pied à terre in London, then he mentioned letting his adult daughters use it from time to time (note they all already live in London 🤔
I put my foot down, one of the dd would definitely have allowed their mother to see it, it would have been our place with our things and I would not want to have other people there at all.

i pointed out that the price of a place in Chelsea or Kensington buys an AWFUL lot of very posh hotel nights, and there they cook and clean for you. The last thing I would want is to decamp up there and have another place to care for on top of the house I already have.

we found a wonderful hotel in Bloomsbury so we go there to stay whenever we need to be in London. 😊

May be time to "sell" it, with a view to using the money for travel and foreign holidays .....

100% with you on this. It only takes ONE dodgy family member and you have to say no to everyone.

dh family are immensely entitled sometimes and my family are just bloody odd, if they were people I knew socially, I’d class them as frenemies. Not a chance I’d allow them to use it.

i don’t actually agree with second home ownership in this country tbh. There’s no need for it and the detrimental effects on local communities will never recover.

@Dogsintheforest Tell them to go do one. It's always the same crowd who tell you how selfish you are being, who would "always" share just "for the joy", who never would if the actual situation happened.

Different scenario but it's like the thread where the OP was, according to all the members of the art class she was in, supposed to bring the person who couldn't get there easily because "they would". Until they were held to it, and suddenly there were all the excuses in the world as to why they couldn't.....

Everyone loves to share other people's things.

I think you're the weird one.

I have a 2nd home and family and friends can go for mates rates or free if with me as my guests.

My family don't actually know that I fully own my property and they don't need to know that. What were you looking to achieve by telling them you have a lovely holiday home? Surely you would have known they might want to visit.

Sounds to me like you either overshare or enjoy a little boast and this time its biting you hard on the arse.

I don’t envy them and, as I said above, I could afford a second home in the village I grew up in. But I’ve seen the absolute devastation they’ve caused there and would never want to add to that. I think many people do it without understanding the effect of their actions.

This.
It’s the laundry and the cleaning at bare minimum, plus making sure nothing has been left on or the windows aren’t left open. Plus the inevitable damage that comes with use.

Factor in not being able to use your own property when you want to, which is the reason you bought it in the first place, then it all becomes rather complicated.

You didn’t buy it for them, you bought it for yourself and you should be allowed to enjoy it on your terms. You have a lot of entitled relatives.

Op has explained that between three sets of parents, plus several siblings, that it would be much more than two weeks yearly.

I will also ask my kids if they ever saw people locking everything when the children had sleepovers, I doubt I am the weird one here 😂

I agree with you. I have another home and friends and family had the same attitude, " all we need is our flights"....No you don't, no chance. I have bought things, like bedding, towels etc. I leave all that stuff there. We have clothes in drawers and wardrobes. That is our place to go to, when we want to, for a couple of weeks or weekends, plus some are not as clean and tidy as me, and l would get anxious when they were there. It's your place, stand your ground

nailed it

We used to turn up to our static caravan (not really a second home as such) and there would be mouldy bread in the bread bin, no toilet rolls - we would arrive late at night and there was NO toilet roll, washing not done (onsite laundry but not used), some things missing or broken, add in, not even a note thanking us... that was enough!

different. I am assuming that when children have sleepovers, the resident parents are there supervising?

You said that she must be 'utterly selfish' because it was modelled by her parents.

She hosted them all there for two weeks at Christmas. How were they supposed to take advantage of that lovely treat if they didn’t know about the house?
This is just getting silly now.