Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

I didn't say it did but it'd be really nice to live closer to my family. I can't because of second homes, most of which stand empty for the vast majority of the year.

You are probably right. Especially if someone calls you out on it. However, for a couple of our friends who have a holiday home abroad that they do let out, they have to notify the insurance company about when it will be let out. They don’t do this personally. The letting agents on the ground do it.

Yes and someone who invites family to
stay over Christmas and pays an entire drinks bill for sixteen over the two weeks does not sound Scrooge-like to me!

We invited everyone to spend Xmas with us there. It ended up being us, plus my dad and his partner, 2 of our siblings, partners and children and a cousin and her partner. We bought all the food, drinks and extras apart from one sibling and our own adult children who insisted on contributing

I have sympathy for the op because I have one sibling who is terribly unselfish and would never take advantage and does too much in return and I have one sibling who never contributes anything and is very entitled! And it’s really difficult if you have one rule for one and one rule for the other because the entitled ones of course tend not to have a lot of insight in to their own behaviour. So you end up eventually having a blanket rule for all and pleasing no one.

And of course it’s your fault and not the few who ruin it for everyone else!

Superb

But I guess I like sharing and I’m not precious about things.
Well, the OP has made clear that she doesn't like sharing and is 'precious about things' (or, put another way, doesn't like the idea that people might rummage through her stuff).
Plus her family badger her and make sarky comments when she says no.

Her situation and feelings are not the same as yours.

Fundamentally you’re already being selfish by buying second home in a country experiencing a housing crisis. So it doesn’t surprise me that you’re not willing to let any friends or family share in it.

It's ok to allow people to express views on both sides surely?
Sure.
So I've expressed mine: that you're reaching for ways to be unpleasant to the OP and have called her 'utterly selfish'.

As for the in-laws, I don't think there are any, not involved in this anyway. The OP just talks about her parents.

"Can you also get a games console for the kids as well?"

The whole second home thing is a separate argument and discussion and in my humble opinion needs another thread. It certainly doesn't excuse people being ultra entitled.

No but presumably you will sell the property and someone else will use and the local businesses. Who knows someone who will live there all the time might be able to buy it if council tax is pricing holiday let's out of the market. That can only be a good thing.

You sound pretty mean

Helping people when they're in a sticky situation is lovely. Your neighbour sounds kind. I'd help in that situation too.

Allowing a friend to use your washing machine might be a very nice thing to do, but it's verging on being a doormat. It really depends on the circumstances

No one needs a holiday. There's no need to share non essential belongings with anyone unless you want to, which the OP doesn't.

I don't think household income is in any way relevant to what a person wants to share and with whom

Christ I can’t ever imagine not sharing with my family. I’m lucky that my in laws have a place in Devon and let us use it whenever we want as long as they aren’t going there. We never asked either. There’s family and then theirs you lot.

I would respect your decision but personally I couldn’t imagine not sharing it with my loved ones, it would bring me much joy to see others make happy memories there.

Well the locals will have to do what a lot of us did when we were fortunate enough to grow up somewhere desirable but not fortunate enough to be able to buy there. We went away and made our lives elsewhere within our budget until such time as we could afford to return, if we still wanted to.

It’s a privilege to live somewhere nice, not a right. Many people don’t ever enjoy that privilege.

This!

Loose lips sink ships. Why on earth would you tell anyone about your second home? What is this idiotic compulsion 'to share'? I don't tell my relatives or friends about my second home, no need. It is a bolt-hole, pure bliss to run away to, such a pleasure to come back to, inhale the undisturbed smell - it is your home. I can immediately smell it, if my dc sneakily brought their mates in for the week-end, and bollock them, I hate other people's smells.

I don't know why you think I'm reaching to be nasty though.
Also I didn't call the OP anything , I just expressed my views about her behaviour / choices in relation to this one particular circumstance.
I just have a different view on the situation than you

They sound beyond cheeky. I would 100% refuse. No one will respect your home in the way that you do.

2 WEEKS!? I would have taken the bridge.

I bet if this house was in the middle of town they wouldn't ask to stay in it.
Its only because of where it is. If they ask again tell them its available for £££x a week. They'll not want to pay as they want a freebie.

Why should the OP be subsidising all and sundry ?. Every person who stays puts her electric/gas/water bills up. Potential damage to the house. Plus insurance will be different. It'll need cleaned every time as well. Can't see any of these CF's doing that.

I understand why you wouldn’t want to share your home but I also understand why your family feel put out by this. You are both right, yet both wrong!

MIL has a wooden lodge on a small holiday park which she and late FIL bought after years of having tourer caravans and a static van. They kitted out the second bedroom with 2 single beds so that our DDs could use it and we have used it a lot over the years. It's usually just DH and me now so the second bedroom has become our storage for bedding, towels, etc, and MIL has paid for a double bed for it which will be delivered when we are there next week (that was our Christmas present from her) because no one uses the small single beds in there anymore and it would mean we didn't have to use her room and have the faff of changing the bed when we arrived and left or needing to go into her room.

She has never been comfortable with other people using it because it's her place, although her nephew was allowed to use it once. FIL let his sister use it regularly but MIL would have to wash bedding because the bed is a double but the sister and her husband had a king-size so didn't have double bedding. The entitlement was astonishing. They were getting a free holiday most years; how much would a set of double bedding have cost? They once left a bag of posh ground coffee as a thank you; PIL have never drunk anything except cheap instant.

We have always contributed practically to the upkeep of the place - cleaning windows, clearing the gutters, washing curtains, shampooing carpets, painting, etc - plus we have replaced appliances over the years and MIL has been told that she is free to use any of the food on my shelf in the kitchen or beer/wine in the fridge. It's on a park which isn't open all year so it's not suitable as a permanent home which means we aren't depriving a local of a home. MIL is there every second weekend because she has joined a club nearby and we use it other weekends plus for longer spells when she isn't using it. DD1 also has a key but has only used it for one night and having grown up using the place, she knows the expectations of how it should be left.
We will eventually take it over and will happily lend it to select people who we know will benefit from a break (e.g. a single mum with stage 4 cancer) or who will pay their way by repairing something. At the moment we respect MIL's wish that only immediate family use it. In OP's case it sounds like there are so many family members that giving each household even one week would seriously reduce her own enjoyment of her property.

Fake sell it

or put it on air b n b and direct them to the site but have it all sold out

or
ivite them to enjoy it with you

or how about this for an idea.....just say no?

feel put out about it understandable, banging on about it just plain rude.