Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

Not only can I be surprised, I can be bloody offended.
Frankly, I'd go "no contact". Cheeky bunch of fuckers!

This 100% sums it up perfectly

Of course you would! But of course you don't have a second home do you? So very easy to say this!🙄

Ludicrous response. The second house that the OP has is not being used half the time. And I don't have a second car and the very little jewellery I have I use myself. And I have ONE garden.

As I said, ludicrous response. 1/10.

my heart is shattered because of your judgement of me.
But okay what have you got that I can use?

Sounds like a great approach to life and sustaining relationships. Good luck with that.

100% this. ^

It’s cheeky of them to ask .
If I were your relative I’d wait till you offered , leave the place spotless and leave you some fresh milk , bread etc if you were heading there just after me .
I have 2 friends who are fortunate enough to have 2nd homes .
One has never offered , I never asked .
The other friend offered the use of their 2nd home to me as it’s not far from where I lived at the time and I was expecting to have extra family staying .
I was taken aback though that she said she’d rent it to me at the going rate .
They don’t use it as a holiday rental at all and she also knows I have very little disposable income .
I had thought that if I left it very clean , beds made up fresh and a token amount for utilities that’d be enough.
i said “ no , we will manage ok with a couple of air beds here “

Yeah, you can see (from some posts on here) why so many people are estranged from family members. 'No, it's mine, mine mine mine, not sharing noooooooo! '😖

What a way to live 🙄

Do you have a second home? Have you lent it out, and have you been let down by how some people treat it?

Yeah I think YABU.

You have a second home that you don’t regularly use and your very close family want to very possibly when you aren’t.

Of course I would let family use it. But I guess I like sharing and I’m not precious about things. It is after all just a house. I wouldn’t be so miserable to only think of myself when it would give me and others joy to use something I have.

You don’t have to but why wouldn’t you? I just don’t understand this thinking. (Before I get a list of reasons I understand why just not the thinking).

If it bothers you that much why not say for these two weeks this year we can let family use it.

You could add

• Could you fully stock the fridge with food ?
• Can you arrange for a deep clean beforehand and someone to visit and clean during our stay?
• Could you install an air conditioner?
• Can you give us your account details with the local taxi firm so we can go into town at your expense?
• Could you pick us up from the station on the way in and drop us off on the way back?

All these people saying "For two weeks a year family can use it" have NO CLUE how complicated that would be to arrange. And if you said "sort it out among yourselves" they would STILL be messaging saying 'oh no Dave said he wants the dates that we want, can you help?' "Oh if we have three nights each then I only have one night, and i can only do the week after you said?"

Then they'd each leave it messier than the previous person. And probably all fall out with each other and leave it up to YOU to be some of mediator.

As other posters have said, it's very easy to offer to lend out other people's houses...

And the absolute panicked SCENES if the wifi goes down...

Do you let the local donkey sanctury use the garden too?

Don't be ridiculous!

They have the whole of the west wing with the White Company bedding.

yes people make choices and some of them are selfish. Why am I not allowed to say so?
OP called her parents very selfish. I personally find OP's choices incomprehensibly selfish. Other people are telling OP she's doing the right thing and her family are rude and entitled . It's ok to allow people to express views on both sides surely?

think of all the free manure

I am with you OP.
Would all these people who think that you should share your house out like to have people staying in their house when they went away? No they wouldn’t because it is nice to come back to your home how you left it and to be able to leave things without someone going through them. You do not want to come back to find broken items. Food in the cupboard gone. I do not have a second home but we have quite a few friends who do. We have never even thought for one minute that they should let us stay there. We have been invited by a couple of friends to stay at their holiday homes for a short break when they are there. On both occasions we took them out for a very good meal when we stayed.
I would be be inclined to tell them that there would be complications with insurance if they stayed. I would also tell them that if you wanted other people to stay there then you could rent it out and make money.

Your house, your call.

I think it's completely unreasonable to hog a second house that someone else could live in. That is the main issue here.

But I don't think it's unreasonable to say other people can't use it. It would be a massive hassle having to clean the place and put things away and also not just be able to use it when you want to.

YANBU. Stick to your guns. Maybe invite them to stay with you periodically when you are there but that is just too big a family to be handing free weeks out to.

I wouldn't lie.

That's easy ... the sort of person who shows no respect at all and would probably treat the property accordingly

And why exactly is all the loathing heaped on those who buy these holiday homes? Bearing in mind that they could have refused offers from "outsiders", why are the once-permanent-residents who sold it to them never mentioned?

No.

i lost my son to suicide a couple of years back and if it’s taught me anything it’s that we should be kind to others and if I can do anything to make anyone else’s life just that little bit easier or more pleasant then I will. Do you have a problem with that?