Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

I would bet that a lot of people have second homes that you don't know about, for exactly this reason.

Her own parents though? Is this where we are at where her own parents aren't allowed? That's disgraceful!! It isn't about freebies, it's about the people who have raised her.
Some of you have no morals or respect, only applicable if the relationship has been a positive one, mind.
Wouldn't expect OP to disclose that.
I don't agree with unlimited access all year round. But parents? She's lucky to have a family to say no to. I'd gve them a selection of three dates throughout the year, then I wouldn't feel put out.

Oh no it isn’t

I don't blame you at all OP. My ex in-laws had a lovely place in Cornwall and the minute family and friends knew about it, they were hounded. They held on to it for just under 2 years then decided to sell, everyone else was getting more use out of it whilst they footed the bill as no one ever offered to cover basic running costs when they were there for their freebie holiday.
It actually cost them alot one winter when guests (family) were told to turn the mains water off and drain the taps before leaving to prevent pipes freezing. They didn't do it and the pipes burst. In-laws sold up and got a caravan instead thinking it would stop the issue. Then one family member actually asked not only to borrow it, but could in-laws tow it to the holiday park 3 hours away, drop it off then come back for it in 4 days time 🤣

You make this sound like a bad thing 😂. It would actually be lovely if we did all share and help each other out if we are more fortunate. I am plenty selfish and I get that people take advantage, are lazy, entitled etc. But the core value of sharing and helping family and friends etc is actually a good thing.

I have a second home in France that I visit frequently as I can work from home with a laptop. When i bought the place 25 years ago it was very dated and needed a lot of work that I mostly did myself and after 5 years so it was finally in decent shape to really enjoy. Unsurprisingly once word got out all sorts of people were asking us to use it, not just immediate family but random acquaintances we barely knew. Against my better judgement i agreed to some if these requests and soon regreted it. 'Mates rates' in the eyes of many means 'free' and leaving the place filthy with food in the fridge, dirty sheets and towels for me to sort out happened too often. Eventually i just no to everyone except for a small group of trusted people. Its amazing how many people out there just take the piss. Yes it caused some upset in some quarters but f*ck them, they had their chance. I get where you coming from OP

The other person mentioned locks so OP was replying to them.

We let family stay in our house once when we were away. Their teenage daughters used loads of my daughter’s perfumes and makeup and had definitely been in my wardrobe trying things on as stuff had moved and one dress was ripped. They had also had a good nose through our opened post which was in a cupboard as it was on a different shelf to where we always keep it. Not everyone respects other people’s things and based on what OP has said, they seem the type not to,

If you have to lock everything when you see some family members, it's even weirder to keep seeing them AND talk in length about your second home 😂

If they are so horrible and your need your safety and privacy, why going into so much details.

All very weird.

I don’t think the cake comment was at all funny. It would further cement my decision not to let family stay.

The remark about the cake was beyond twatty and that you found it hilarious and intend to borrow the phrase says more about you than I think you realise.

No, here's the thing, you clearly don't understand.
Or maybe it's more accurate to say you can't stretch your imagination to understand why someone might feel differently about this than you do.
There's no such thing as 'Normal people' in this scenario. The OP is perfectly reasonable, as someone who likes her privacy, not to want to leave personal things out so others can see them – and maybe she thinks her family would snoop/use things/mess things up; she is bound to know this better than you or I.

'normal people even leave keys to friends and family even if they are not around in their main home.'
I have done this – to family members and friends who I WANT to leave them for. This is always something I proactively offer; no one has ever mithered me for the keys to my house when I'm not there, even though I live in a nice gaff in a nice neighbourhood in London, and it's great for getting into town for sightseeing and theatre etc.
If anyone DID mither me, or say sarky things, they would get short shrift.

How many second homes do people have if they hide their third or fourth one?
How wealthy are your friends 😂

As someone who lived solely in Cornwall for 20 years I completely agree with all this.
DH and I regularly accommodated relatives and friends in our coastal home including my brother and his family who were on low income and couldn't otherwise have afforded holidays. We were happy to have them.
Second homes are a massive problem in tourist hotspots like Cornwall. I'm really glad that councils are cracking down on them in various ways..
And some second home owners could be real pains in the bum. They apparently knew more about Cornwall from spending 6 weeks a year at leisure in their holiday homes than people who actually lived and worked in the county (country if you're a Cornish nationalist) full time.

Whut?
First, I was quoting someone else here.
Second, who said anything about third or fourth?

I think you are doing the right thing setting boundaries. Sounds like you would end up servicing a free airb&b for your family, and managing their bookings and subsidising wear and tear and utilities and loosing privacy and the opportunity to use it, which is a lot to ask.

Not that you need to offer your home out at all. But my idea would block 2-3 weeks in the year and say right house available these dates and argue between yourselves not bothered whose coming but this is when it’s available to family. Outside of this don’t bother asking it’s no. In regards to Christmas that is extremely entitled behaviour I either wouldn’t do it again or I would make it clear that last time was unacceptable and I would be expecting money or food contributions (not just token) I mean the cost of a turkey for that amount of people is easily now over £100 at least for that one meal.

In our country house one sibling's toddler peed the bed. He turned the mattress. If he'd said we could have vaxed it. It was brand new.

I'm on the fence to be honest the more I read.
Broken crystal used to be a particular peeve.
Drinking all the orange juice another.
My clothes and makeup used too.

I'd charge them , standard rate minus 25%?
You'll have less cfs. And for God sake don't get a pool. You will never have a free weekend. Hence my DH naming it the hotel

I helped out someone like this who brought people round I didn't know without mentioning it, didn't introduce them so I didn't know who was there. They broke things and didn't tell me so I had to find the bits and replace. Turned up late so I had to hang around for them and missed an ongoing appointment. Never again. Some people are just takers.

But it’s not ‘when family are staying’ - ie with you as your guests, in a dedicated guest room that has nothing personal in. It is family wanting sole and exclusive use of your property, one where your personal possessions, underwear etc are stored in the cupboards/dressers they are expecting to use and YOU not being able to use it during that time.

They are treating it like a holiday villa that OP is marketing on Air BNB, and not appreciating it is a HOME.

I am sure OP has no issues with inviting them to visit for a few days to [to see her/her family], but expecting her to clear weeks in her diary to vacate her own bloody property for them is utter CFery. It's beyond weird that people can’t see that.

There is a difference between having a second property you use as a “holiday home” and a second home that you and family divide your time between. OP has clearly stated and described this as the latter.

I’d let my family but they wouldn’t take the piss.

Are there any family members you like and trust? Obviously your adult children. If so, could you look at dates you aren’t available and offer them up at a cost so you aren’t out of pocket?

It depends on the relationships, I can’t imagine not being happy to have my parents stay in any home I owned, but you may not have positive relationships in which case of course you don’t want them there.

When we used to have a holiday home people were invited to join us a different times but we never offered it up for sole use to friends and family. I think some people were a but affronted by that but frankly I didn't care. The offer of joining us as a guest for free should have been enough and if it's not boo hoo to them!

I think your boundaries are fine. MN is weird about holiday homes (and cleaners actually)

I am totally with you on this.

A long time ago we had a mobile home/caravan type set up, on a really lovely quiet site. It was passed on to us by the ILs. The DCs were little and loved it. Some 'friends' of my DH asked if they could use it for one/two weeks in the summer hols.
We let them being kind, no charge whatsoever. What a mistake that was! Every year they would enquire 'which week(s) are ours this year?'

We were weak, we gave in. The whole idea when we got it was for me and DCs to go to it, whilst DH was working, spur of the moment, during school hols, decide Thursday, go next day as the weather forecast is good. Of course these 'friends' would be in it and we'd end up with pouring rain when we went. They also never cleaned up, even leaving bread that we'd discover in a cupboard going mouldy,. They used everything, never replaced it, no toilet paper when we arrived etc.
they got more and more entitled.

So we made a stand and said NO one year. oh my god, they were shocked that we DARED to say we didn't want to lend it to them but wanted the freedom to pop down at the last minute.
The friendship never recovered. Incidentally, they never even properly thanked us for the years they used it. Not once.
We also lent it to a relation two years running, they abused it too.

So OP, I understand.

Thats a very sweeping comment!

My inlaws bought an old abandoned farm and land in Portugal. It had been empty for years, was falling down and was completely overgrown. They donatated half of the land to the local school for them to have a playground and garden area. They then had all the infrastructure put in (roads, water, electricity) for a small estate of homes that were built and bought mainly by local people. The village school is now thriving due to the new families that moved in.

Not everyone just buys a house somewhere and ignores the local community.

I think it's very generous to offer someone else's property when you don't know who you're offering to. For all you know, the reason they don't want to is because they know that their clothes and personal belongings will all be rifled through, broken and ruined.

I love most of my family but I wouldn't lend them a book, let alone a bloody house to stay in!

This is incredible of your in-laws @Frenzi. Really wonderful.

I am sure such generosity is very rare though.