Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

There's opinion and then there's judgement.
And I'll say it again: just because you 'cannot for the life of me imagine owning my holiday home and not even allowing my parents to use it.' doesn't mean your judgement is correct/OK.

On MN, it's normal. Posters don't like to have friends around or family staying over, hate spending a night anywhere else than a hotel and wouldn't dream of inviting people.

In real life, yes perfectly normal 😂
People leave their keys, add a mattress if someone asks for a favour, spend entire weeks with friends and family

People being rude and making jokes about not sharing are uncommon too.

Odd and unpleasant family dynamic all round.

This all sounds very nice in theory except half of them will leave a mess. And it might not be a bad mess, maybe you just have to re-wash the crockery or maybe it's a bit of cheese left in a fridge that's been turned off. But if you then tell them "THIS is why I don't want you to stay again" they will 100% fall out with you. Forever. A perfectly decent relationship is then scuppered.

The theory of these things is much simpler than the reality!

P.S. We are also unable to get a cleaning service to do ad hoc cleaning for our second home (which is a designated 'holiday home' so not stealing a house off the locals), and we have tried very hard!

All the more reason to have as many people as possible holidaying there in order to keep the quaint little customs going, the money coming in and the area as picturesque as possible.

Oh so you know her parents?

it's still weird.

I don't know anyone who would act like that unless they are no longer on speaking term at all.

Even my neighbours said I was welcome to use their holiday home if I wanted to arrange a week . They REALLY don't have to offer that.😂

So of course there's a bit of judgement? Also it's MN. Opinion was asked.

Do you think everyone in the village uses their local shops? No, it’s the holidaymakers who keep these quaint little customs going. The locals are online shopping or out at Aldi just like you.
Yep. I sometimes stay with family in a rural village. There's no shops but the pub for a while tried running a shop out of their premises. They had 'quaint' things like slightly expensive local fruit and veg and a deli counter with home-made things, but also basics like tinned soup, and loo roll/toothpaste etc.
I used to use it quite a lot. The actual villagers largely didn't bother and carried on driving to out-of-town supermarkets.
Unsurprisingly, it shut down.

They're not so offended by the OP's wealth that they have no interest in benefitting from it, though, are they?

it's still weird.
She has said, multiple times, why she doesn't want to let them use it: they want to be able to decide at short notice to go, leave clothes and personal items there (without installing locks on things like a halfway house or something), and they like their privacy.
You may not feel the same about a holiday/second home, but this is how the OP feels. Are you just not able to understand what she's written?

YANBU. PIL had a holiday home in Spain. Friends would visit them there, and obviously not be charged, but the gas and water bills rocketed. So PIL were effectively subsidising friends’ holidays.

Close friends borrowed it on one occasion and couldn’t work out how to open the washing machine so forced and broke it. No offer to replace so the friendship waned.

It really isn’t worth the risk.

Let’s say it’s worth 250k
You want her to pay £12,500 property tax
Are you Wolfie Smith?

Precisely!
And how exactly did you decide that the OP is 'bragging' about it?

Why would you need locks, don't you trust your family to not touch or wear your clothes

Totally agree with you OP.
We bought a brand new mobile home by the sea four years ago. Luckily, one of the rules of the Holiday Park is no shared ownership and no sub letting which suits me down to the ground. My parents and siblings (siblings have 7 young children/teenagers between them) would be looking for use of it. My children’s cousins are welcome to come and stay with us, of course, and they do - when it suits me. The whole point of investing in this is that I don’t have to remake beds, clear out fridge etc when we pop home/return (it’s a short journey), leave clothes, pyjamas, toys, toothbrushes etc. It is home from home. It’s our space that we can retreat to at the drop of a hat. Holidays abroad are no longer necessary or wanted. It suits us. But we didn’t invest in this to be at the mercy of others. I would suggest to your relatives that they consider purchasing their own second home. I also imagine that those who replied that you should share your second home don’t own one or they would see it differently.

I would bet that a lot of people have second homes that you don't know about, for exactly this reason.

Don't even get me started on relatives that thought it would be fine to bring their three dogs because 'they are very good' - and they pissed on the new armchair ("oh he was looking out of the window!")

No what? Maybe they are horrible.

Except that the OP’s family are scrounging for freebies so they don’t seem the type to pay over the odds for local produce.

I would say "Let me think about it and give you a price. But it wont be a cheap option."

If the house is as big as it appears to be (in order to have housed all those people at Christmas), you can be certain that all those siblings and cousins wouldn't be going there alone in couples/nuclear family groups of 2 adults, 2 kids. They'd be wanting to take mates/ILs/half their neighbourhood with them.
It'd be carnage and the OP would be spending most of her precious downtime in HER holiday home, clearing up the issues and mess made by people she doesn't even know/didn't specifically invite.
All those posters generously suggesting it's not a big deal and they'd offer it in a heartbeat have almost certainly not ever loaned out such a thing themselves and have no idea of the potential pitfalls.

I would do the same as you, *Dogsintheforest *as I would not regard my second home as a holiday home for friends and family to use, other than those I invited. Especially in the UK with our unpredictable weather, I might like to stay there on a whim or at short notice and would hate to be restricted by others staying there.

You need to stand firm together and make it a blanket ‘No, we decided for various reasons that we wouldn’t let others stay’ …. and repeat.

The way your family members are acting (so entitled) would stiffen my resolve in sticking to my guns: No means no. I think they have a nerve to repeatedly ask again after you’ve refused.

I hope you enjoy happy times visiting your new home whenever you are able to take advantage of it.

The OP knows these people - YOU DON'T.

I'm sure you can stretch your credulity to understand that there are plenty who would do exactly that and not give fuck about causing damage or offence.

Again she knows what these family members are like - we don't.

The OP doesn't give the impression she would think or behave differently if they weren't - she wants it to be empty just in case she decides to go there. Meanwhile so many locals can't afford to live in these places and they lie empty most of the time.

LOL. No envy in that reply whatsoever.

And so quick to make inferences about how we may have come to be in a position to be able to own a second home, whether we personally feel we have earned it or not, or whether feel we have been supported by others in doing so. You know nothing about us yet are lecturing me? I would suggest there is a lot of transference - and a truckload of envy - in there.

Also suggest that you reread my post - I didn’t say family can’t use it given it was bought for expressly for family use (though at 85 with Parkinson’s the PIL have no need of a London bolthole, anyway). My annoyance is at mates wanting a bloke’s crashpad or suddenly wanting to see us more now that they may not have to pay £300-500 a night for a hotel room.

I don’t know a single person that actually “hates” second home owners. What an oddly strong emotional reaction.

are you failing to understand that it IS weird ? Who said she didn't have the right?

Normal people don't lock their belongings or hide their personal items when they have family or friends staying, normal people even leave keys to friends and family even if they are not around in their main home. Why would you need to hide personal belongings in a secondary home?

I didn't even know it was a thing to lock away personal items when you have visitors 😂It's not an airBnB!

So yes, I can understand what is written, it's still weird.