Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

People can and should buy as many homes as they can afford and it's nobody else's business.

I think you severely underestimate how uncommon your position is. I don't know anyone who doesn't let family and friends stay in their secondary residences. It's unheard of for a reason.

Are all of your relatives making these cheeky comments (not ok) or is it just some?

I can see your point regarding the amount of people that want to use it, but I would personally find it very difficult to deny my own parents, who like yours I presume have done a fair bit for me in life! If it was me I'd let them but perhaps draw a line beyond that and explain why.

I'd block out every fourth week for yourselves then let them use it.
My parents had a big haven chalet that they rarely used. Everyone else did! The service charges were enormous.
I had a country house where my parents lived most of the time. The number of people who arrived ' just passing' was ridiculous. My DH called it the hotel.
Laundry and wine bills were legendary. Never again although I will be buying a two bed cottage by the sea in a few years. Enough for us not for my relatives.

It's astonishing how generous people are with other people's houses!

YANBU

We have a second home, there are only a handful of people we would allow to stay here without us. We have learned the hard way that people leave the place in a mess, break things and don't tell us, leave blood on the sheets for me to wash the next time I'm there months later... Even good guests move things around so you can't find them next time you are trying to cook dinner.

Maybe other peoples families aren’t as cheeky as OPs. The Xmas cheekiness would have finished me.

A second home is just that. It’s your home. It makes no difference that there are two of them, like having two coats you only use one at once. The OP is no more obliged to share her home when she’s not there than anyone else. Don’t tell me that you hand over the keys to your home to your friends and family when you’re away on holiday. I don’t believe you.

Just picking this one to say I think the OP meant that they hosted several family members for Xmas and only one or two people brought anything with them.
We’ve hosted Xmas and been hosted and we wouldn’t dream of turning up empty handed and expecting the hosts to buy everything. When we’ve been hosted, the first thing we ask is ‘what can we bring?’ It might be puddings or a cheeseboard or the turkey at Xmas and wine/beer etc. It’s bad manners to be hosted for however long and not bring anything for the hosts and other guests when you’re getting a free stay.

Apologies OP... I've just spotted your post about how they behaved at Christmas. They have no respect.
Stand firm.

I have just seen the Christmas episode. Yes, they sound grabby and unpleasant. That is the root of the problem - having relatives you can't trust.

I haven't RTFT so apologies if this has already been mentioned, but do they expect to be able to use it free of charge?

All these people saying 'oh I can't imagine having a second home and not letting family use it...'

I can only imagine you have really courteous, respectful family who would not take the piss, wouldn't leave a mess or cause problems, would respect boundaries...

Not all of us have that. Some of us have family who are utter, grasping, greedy, lazy, disrespectful arseholes!

I'm with you, OP, I'd want to be able to use it as and when, and not have to worry whether someone else wanted to stay there. With hindsight it would have been better to keep quiet, but for now just keep saying, sorry we're not renting it out to anyone!

This is exactly what I thought reading this, so selfish and greedy.

I think this second home currently has a “new toy” feeling about it. OP wants to have free access at any time and the family are all asking to “have a go”.

When the novelty wears off they’ll probably start offering time in their place but on their terms, not giving in to cheeky demands.

I’d have gone with the line “Oh no, it isn’t nearly ready yet, but if you want to pitch in with some painting/ gardening/ demolition you’re welcome on a day trip!”

OP, I think you’re absolutely in your rights to not have anyone stay when you’re not there- and I do get where you’re coming from, I’d likely feel the same. There’s also something in the fact that I’d be more inclined to ask someone who hasn’t asked me first if they’d like to stay than those who have been pushy, but that might be me.
This is just an idea, for potentially diffusing the situation now that it’s out there. You could think of when you’d absolutely hate to go there/are unlikely to go - midway through November, week after February halfterm - that sort of thing and offer those times to your family on a first come first served basis- so you’d be “sharing” but completely on your terms (and possibly have someone run the heating/air the place occasionally). Not everyone will be able to go the same year, they might not like the time slots - but none of that is your problem - you’re sharing.

Fil has a (small) chalet and we are only allowed to use it for one week in March.

We have small kids. They'd LOVE a week at the chalet in summer.

But instead fil rents it out at 1990 prices to absolute strangers.

We've said that we'll pay those prices, even double.

But no.

Bottom line is: he doesn't want to lend us his chalet in summer.

'ungenerous behaviour to your family' Where do you get off? Why on earth do you think it's OK to say something like that?

Why is it not ok to say that? OP posted soliciting opinions and advice. Of course OP has the legal right to do whatever she wishes with her own property, but, yeh, I think it's quite shockingly selfish behaviour.

I cannot for the life of me imagine owning my holiday home and not even allowing my parents to use it.

I find it a bit baffling that you won't block off two or three weeks a year for your extended family to use it, but I can also see your point as they seem to have an expectation that you cover all costs.

I do think it's stingy af but then I'm coming from a family who would never make assumptions and would pay their way, offering at every stage to cover costs so <shrug>

If your extended family and friends don't treat your property with respect then that's a bigger issue.

Oh gosh I can see both sides - I think it depends on your relationship with your parents and siblings. Personally, we love and are very grateful for ours and all they do to help us etc. so when choosing to get a second home their ability to enjoy it was also a huge selling point. That being said, I am no contact with my dad and his side of the family, and certain other family members are CF's so no way.

I would go down the 'sure, I'll list dates available through air and B so you can book, the cost would be X pounds which is the going rate. As soon as you mention money they will back off I bet

I see you edited because you realised this isn’t AIBU. I think quite a few people seem to think they’re on that board with their arsehole comments.

Most of the comments telling the OP they would share are from people not in a position to offer.

Most of the comments telling the OP she’s right are from people who know what she’d be letting herself in for.

On the subject of depriving the local economy by leaving a house empty, dream on. Do you think everyone in the village uses their local shops? No, it’s the holidaymakers who keep these quaint little customs going. The locals are online shopping or out at Aldi just like you.

Completely the opposite. It puts the people who asked (fine to ask) for use of the house, but have then sulked at being told no, accepted an invitation to OP's house and an offer of cake but then used it as an opportunity to have a go, in a bad light. If they behaved better they might get an offer. As it is they sound rude and socially graceless. Everyone's favourite guests!

Everyone and his dog wants to stay though so it would be MONTHS they wouldn’t be able to use their own house for! Cousins and their friends and the man down the street etc all would happily leach off op