Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

At least you’re allowing your adult children to use it, which is more generous than my parents were with their holiday home! Mine didn’t even allow that “in case they wanted to go” which was annoying, but at the end of the day it was theirs and not mine 🤷‍♀️ and they had all the work and costs of ownership.

I think you’re perfectly entitled to say no to wider relatives especially as it doesn’t sound like you have a great relationship with them anyway.

She is annoyed by their banging on about it. I agree she can't change how they behave but she can change her behaviour accordingly and tell them to STFU

Expecting the average Mumnsnetter poster to actually read before responding? You're more of an optimist than I am...

Yeah, you’re mean. By all means let a couple of sets have it this year and a couple next but no family there ever? Wow.

need laugh emoji

Cheeky F...

A single 'no' should have been the end of the story.

Enjoy your holidays and ignore them.

I must admit I'm a bit gobsmacked that you've said no to your own parents and siblings, to be honest. That would not go down well in my family.

Wider family, I can imagine, is annoying.

But you have to make your own rules and, it has to be said, live with the fallout.

I haven’t RTFT but fully understand where you are coming from @Dogsintheforest . I have a static caravan and used to let one nephew use it with his family, for one specified week - usually first week of summer holidays. This nephew shared an interest with my much younger son and often used to take him on days out etc, so it seemed a fair exchange. One year I had the entire summer off, so was looking forward to being able to use the caravan whenever we wanted other than nephew’s week. His brother decided it was thoroughly unfair and kicked off when I said it wasn’t convenient for him to have a week too. I did give him the option of a week when we wouldn’t be using it, but this wasn’t the week they wanted. MIL got involved and I was told how selfish I was etc, but I did hold firm.

I now have a holiday let, but I’ve made it clear that it is a business, so whilst I might do some mates’ rates it’s never free.

They so confidently called OP nasty without reading properly or maybe it went completely over their head. Either way it’s annoying, but typical mumsnet as you say. 🙄

I know it can be a bit of a faff. And I think it is more than reasonable to want it for yourself at peak times. But wouldnt it be nice if they could have the odd week away off peak. Dont be surprised if they cool.off their friendship with you. I would.

Exactly!

Maybe switching it to a holiday let is the solution. Can't argue with an online booking system that says x days are greyed out.

That’s awful.
I can’t wait for Burnham to really tax second homes.

Did you read what they did at Xmas? Why does OP have to be nice but they don’t? If I was OP I would think about it and realise that if these arses cooled their relationship with me, that would be a good thing. They are not ‘nice’ people.

If i was lucky enough to be able to afford a second home in a popular area, i think i would love it if my close family - especially parents -got to enjoy it too.
my only issue would be leaving it as they found it. Would set some clear boundaries

My friends family didn't feel they had to share 15 years of big expensive family holidays, the US, the Far East, Australia.
They had years of 10-15k family holidays which they hugely enjoyed.

She had very low key UK self catering holidays during this period with her children, when they were young, and they saved.
Just different choices.

But family thinking they could use it and leave it like a rental meant she was completely done being generous.

There are a lot of CF's out there that this thread reveals.
Being generous with other peoples property and time is surprisingly easy.

If you just recently bought the house and haven't even had the opportunity to spend your first summer there, I think the family should keep quiet. It's okay to ask, but then you should also be able to say no.

Agreed.* *
Relatives think
"You own a "holiday" home.
You are a member of my family.
Therefore its a family holiday home
There for you owe me and your entire extended family (and DH's family) a free holiday. "

There is a cost to the OP in doing this cleaning, washing, utilities etc and you can bet they won't want to pay a thing. Can all of them be trusted to be careful with the property, leave it clean and in good order, respect the neighbours? Surely there is a much higher insurance cost to this.. which of course they won't contribute to. You will be working for them as the letting agent and property manager of "the family holiday home" and will be responsible for all the problems they identify or create.

The amount of people wanting to use it... 15 weeks was mentioned.. All will want it in the school holidays or good weather - exactly the times when OP and her DC want to use it themselves... But no. Family demands. Family must get OP is expected to comply or its "selfish".. "But OP, you can use it any time.. we can only use it in the summer"

If they were so keen to have a "family Holiday Home" - why didn't they all chip in to a property and have a joint ownership/joint responsibility? they want you to subsidise them because you are related. And they can't even be polite about it.
The snide comments and rude way of asking over and over again would make me dig my heels in, even if I had been thinking about letting them.

• OP if you give in to one, you will be expected to give into all.
• And they will see it as their right because Sis and Bil had it.
• How long before they start asking to bring their friends, their own in laws, hold their hen parties there, what about cousins?

You sunk your life savings into this. You and your DCs are entitled to use it as and when you want it.

A potential Compromise
You could Host them there at Christmas. And then tell them that that its booked for the next year to cover costs. (because it is booked by you, but they think that doesn't count because your wishes don't count.) But that might prove difficult too. What do your parents think?

It's yet another example of families gangin up to pressurise another member to do something they don't want to do, with the threat of falling out with them or even going NC if they stand up for themselves or don't cave.

Dont give in to emotional blackmail OP.

I don't wear my Dior frock every day, in fact very rarely, but I don't feel obliged to lend it to anyone else, whether or not they happen to share my surname.

I don't think they will need to bother, I reckon the OP will already have cooled right down after their behaviour......and give over with the "wouldn't it be nice" stuff....its another motto of the "be kind" club

As someone who can't get a house in the village where I grew up because of second homes, yabu to have one.

Yes. Unfortunately one of my sisters kept inviting her many friends and acquaintances to use the property as if it was hers. No problem at all if she brought a friend with her, or if it was a friend we both knew who was in need of a break, but I had to draw a line when random people kept showing up who she didn’t know that well, who wanted a mates rates holiday subsidised by us and not her!

YABU
We have a second home in a sought after holiday location. We let lots of friends and family use it. You’re being mean. I bet you didn’t share toys either.

Growing up in a particularly pleasant or sought-after place does not confer a moral right to live there for the rest of your life.

😂