Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

I was actually supportive until I read this comment. I could see why you wouldn't want people staying just yet when it is still a new purchase, you are finding your rhythm of visits and want to put your own stamp on the place. 'Suck it up' though? Makes you sound unpleasent.

If your family are asking to use all your stuff - holiday house, camper van - do they stop at that or does it include the lawnmower, the car, the bicycles, the golf clubs?

And who exactly is providing insurance for people who borrow campervans?

I need to hear directly from campervan borrowers here please. Are you insuring yourselves?

Why did you pay for everything instead of saying, 'Right, let's split this then like normal.'?
But they're cheeky fuckers and freeloaders, I don't disagree.
Don't bother hosting again. If anyone asks why, tell them precisely why, in detail.

Not all second home owners are leeches as has been assumed here. In fact, in our village, it’s incomers who organise the volunteers for the bi-annual clean up and a load of second home owners are on the rota for church flowers, village shop duty, along with the locals

Funny you should say that, @Hanseaticscruples. Though I don't own a second home I do live near a major tourist area and enjoy visiting myself - often to hear the usual whines about such owners

It was at a big summer event that I was told much of it was run by the very people they claimed to detest, and that it probably wouldn't have gone ahead at all were it not for their help, the locals having decided it was all too much trouble

Exactly. They are just calling out what they see which is ungenerous behaviour to your family. If I was lucky enough to have a holiday home, I'd enjoy being able to offer something nice to those i loved when I wasnt using it, but everyone's different!

This. You wont give two hoots but you come across as very unpleasant. Not for not letting family stay, but for how you seem to perceive others with less than you.

100% agree!

1 family doesn’t need 2 homes.

The absolute cheek of buying a second home in a “popular and picturesque” AKA popular tourist destination, to just leave it empty 99% of the time, contributing 0 to the community and pricing out hard working locals. And then moaning when your family ask to use it when it’s empty.

Disgusting.

From what OP has said, her parents weren't kind and loving parents when she was growing up so that sense of loyalty and a desire to pay them back for a lovely childhood aren't there.

I can't really imagine not offering it to siblings and parents. Not all of them every year but just on weeks where you know you definitely won't be going. But mine are lovely and we have a great relationship, yours don't sound that nice. And not contributing anything at Christmas is rude (did they not even offer??)

I would absolutely let close family use second home. Seems pretty selfish not to if you ask me.

Youre brave op - mumsnet HATE people who have the audacity to own an extra home 😂

My lord you won't even share it with your parents!

I do think that there is a time for making your point known and then a time to move on. The family sound as they are a broken record.

It's not 'the odd remark', though, it's repeatedly asking even having been told no, and repeated sarky comments about how the OP doesn't share things.

'ungenerous behaviour to your family' Where do you get off? Why on earth do you think it's OK to say something like that?
This is the OP's home and it's entirely up to her what she does with it. And yes, I know you try to have it both ways by saying, 'but everyone's different!', but you clearly think you're right and she's wrong.

I see you missed the context. OP is simply quoting back something that has been said to her to highlight how unpleasant that attitude is.

and then again they way the family have behaved so far, the OP may not regret it at all!

Ultimately though, perhaps you just need to move in and sell your current home.
Why? Because the family are mithering her about it?

Maybe they’re sick of you talking about being the owners of two properties? I mean, it is a bit of a wealth brag isn’t it?

Oooh nasty!

The OP was only saying what had been said to her. She was told to suck it up. Read the comment she replied to.

Your second home must be absolutely massive!

Read what was said to her, the exact same about sucking it up. She was quoting it back to them so actually it was the pp that was nasty.

ermmmmm because she doesn't want to.

My parents had a holiday home when we were growing up. When they first had it, they wanted to be like many of the posters on this thread - "Well of course our friends and family can use it! We'd be glad to help them have a cheap holiday!"

Unfortunately the reality wasn't always like that. People you'd think would be grateful became entitled. More than once we got there to find expensive spirits had been drunk and "replaced" with cheap knock-off from the market. Even my aunt and uncle, who I love dearly, once left us without a toilet roll in the place when we were arriving late - almost certainly more a mistake than not caring, but a lack of ill-intent didn't mean much at the end of a long drive from the airport when I was desperate for the loo!

So while I see why some people are portraying the OP as mean, from someone who's seen it from the other side, people aren't always as grateful for and respectful of your space as you'd hope. And from the OP's posts, these sound like people who would see themselves as entitled to a freebie rather than realising they were lucky to have relatives who'd let them use their home.

Your family are cheeky bastards OP. It sounds like you don’t want to fall out but I’d tell them to stop one more time and if they don’t, tell them they’re entitled fuckers and they need to fuck off. I would be distancing yourself if they continue.