Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

Goodness grief, it would never even cross my mind to ask!

You need to clear the air once and for all. Whatever feelings anyone on here has about second homes, family using it, etc. at the end of the day it's your property and yours to do what you want with.
Explain you want the flexibiliuty of being able to go at short notice and it's your second home so all your stuff is there. you bought it for your own use, end of.
Ask them to stop the sarky remarks and suck it up and if they can't do that then avoid them.

Just be firm. No is a full sentence

My parents had a villa they bought with the intention of moving to permanently. Initiallly used it for holidays and rented it out. It was a large property so in the short term, helped my parents afford to pay for it until they moved across.

Renting out did end up being a nightmare - the amount of repairs they had to have done just outweighed the effort of renting it so they stopped renting it out. In fact, I only used it once without them being there with us. They also would go with other relatives - my sisters, my aunts and uncles.

My (now ex) DP had the audacity to tell his sister she could use it for free with her children without so much as asking my parents so I had to explain that no she can’t. It caused quite the disagreement as she had also bought her kids passports and holiday clothes before I’d even been remotely consulted. I stayed firm. She did not go.

No, I totally agree with you. It's your holiday home and to start letting people use it then curtails your use of it. No way should you have to be arranging visits around relatives holidays to your own second home. They want the freedom of a holiday place, then let them buy one. If you let one relative use it, then it opens the door for everyone to ask and question why so and so could use it but not them. It is a cheek. You have purchased it for freedom of choice and short notice holidays. Allowing others to use it stops that spontaneity, which completely defeats the benefits of a holiday home.

Sure, if your definitely not going to use it and know this out of main holiday season, then maybe it could be used then. But, they would certainly have to pay for gas, water or electric etc. It is a tricky sitution. Just start how you mean to go on and the requests will stop when they realise you're serious about not lending it out.

As a society, we could just choose to let more homes be built. In Sweden having a second home at a lake is just part of being middle class, no-one worries about a community missing consumption, because they've had the amazing realization that you can just build a few more homes.

I feel like if I were you & if I had someone local who could clean weekly I might be willing for someone in the family to call on a Friday morning & ask if you plan to use the holiday home this weekend and if not can they. Similarly if there was a week I knew we absolutely would not go I’d be willing to offer that week to someone.

I’d expect they took their own bed linens, towels etc and that they paid the fee for the clean/reset of £50-80 or whatever was reasonable to cover the cleaner and a small contribution to utilities etc.

My family would however feel this was reasonable & be happy with it & would say thank you & would never rock up to a meal without offering to bring a course &/or a bottle of wine.

It sounds like your family are very different so, understandably your approach is also different. Of course it is nice to have a village & share but that does require everyone to join in. You can’t just be the village for everyone else.

Sweden has considerably more land per vapita than UK does.

Does "society" include those beauty spots everyone wants their second homes in?

OP, stand firm against the CFs!

We have a second property in Spain and when we were building it we had visions of family and friends using it whenever they wanted. Some still do but the ones who abuse our generosity and our home don't get invited back.

Yes I know, but I was referring to the fact they are not letting their own parents or siblings enjoy it also classified as family.

Absolutely true.
My friends neighbour retired and bought a top of the range camper for £130k, as they planned to travel in Europe now that their 3 children had left home.

The thing wasn't cooling down when a neighbour called over to see could they borrow it for a wedding they were going to in a few weeks.

You really couldn't make it up.
They weren't the last to ask either.
If it wasn't so unbelievably cheeky it would be funny.

Sweden is almost twice the size as UK. Don't think it's comparable really.

I’m not sure about all of this second home business, but as a potential solution to this irritation, could you say you have plans this year so won’t be letting it out but you’ll have a think about a plan for subsequent years. Ultimately though, perhaps you just need to move in and sell your current home.

When they bring it up directly, say, 'No. Stop asking. When they say sarcastic things, look them dead in the eye and say tonelessly, 'Pack it in.' Hold their gaze.

How is that relevant? The OP doesn't want to. She's explained why (although I don't think she needed to).
Not everyone wants to run things the same way.

I can’t imagine being invited somewhere for Christmas, with all the expense and effort involved in hosting, and not offering to contribute

Neither could I, @YoQuieroVino, but then when invited I'm one of those people incapable of turning up empty handed

As a PP said, these threads swarm with those all too free with other people's money - also many who regard folk with second homes as the devil incarnate - but with what OP's described about the wider family's attitude it hardly seems fair to accuse her of stinginess

They’re allowed to be selfish with their own property.

But the OP doesn't want to let them use it or have locked cupboards and different lots of glassware.
Are you genuinely unable to imagine someone having a different want or preference to you? I'd be a bit worried about myself if that were the case for me.

But OP can't retire to a camper.

@ALovelyPinkUnicorn
Well, yes. I know you said this as if it’s a ridiculous suggestion, but if a family member needed to borrow our car for some reason and we didn’t need it that day, we’d let them no problem. I can’t see why anyone wouldn’t unless they didn’t get on or weren’t trustworthy.

I understand the OP’s point of view, and everyone has the right to do as they please in this circumstance, but in reality of the families that have a house somewhere nice, I’d guess that quite a proportion would let family stay occasionally.

Also - the one time my sister did give in, despite a folder of instructions (which she had to find time to sit down and put together) the people left things on that shouldn't have been on and a door unlocked.

It's not just a matter of being selfish. If somewhere isn't actually set up as a holiday let, with a cleaner or someone coming in straight after the guests depart, you open yourselves up to a lot of risk and worry.

The excitement would soon wear off and it would be one or two a year IME

That's gross. You're family members are CF's and think you're the family cash cow. I would absolutely be saying no too.

And as many have pointed out above, it makes no difference if it’s a camper rather than house - people still feel entitled.

Years ago my DH bought me a brand new horse trailer for Christmas. Within days friends were lining up asking to borrow it. Before I'd even had a chance to use it. Absolute cheek!

Although I'm not a particular fan of second home ownership, particularly in holiday areas where the local people can't afford to buy a home, this situation reminds me of someone who posted on here a while ago about the swimming pool in their garden. All and sundry wanted to go into their garden and use the pool when they weren't there and were annoyed to be told no, to the poster's extreme frustration.