Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

Well you don't have to let them use it but you do need to live with the fallout of that decision. In our family good fortune is spread but you are not obliged to do so. Doesnt sound as though you regret the loss of relationship much so what's the problem?

Clearly to the OP - this is a home for them and not merely a house. A home is a place that you stay in and feel emotionally connected to. It's not just a place where you are registered on the electoral role, that's a primary residence. You can still have a 'home' elsewhere.

That's noble of you to only rent a 'shared house' but I think you'll find you're in the minority. And how can you be 100% certain that every place you stay is the owners primary residence and not 'just' a holiday home?

I would let the relatives you’ve mentioned. I would say happy for them to stay a week, if you’re scraping for money maybe ask for something for utilities but you do sound tight. Would they be able to have holidays otherwise?

I think this is fine, but explain to them why, and do it nicely.

my relatives bought a Bloody caravan, it was in a holiday park, on the coast, to be fair, and they assumed everyone wanted to go, and when they gave someone a pass it was like they’d gifted a lottery win, it was very comical.

I don't let my holiday home out so no receipt buy I allow family and friends to use it. It's occupied about 50 percent of the year. I already pay full tax on house in France.

People are always happy to share things they didn't pay for. They are equally happy to brand someone selfish for not sharing the things they paid for. Demanding use of your house is just grabby and entitled.

The idea that you would block out the weeks you want and then turn it over to the family is batshit, you want to use it as much as possible whenever you like. I would not give in to any of them, if you let one have a week you'll be at the center of a family row about fairness. How much time is everyone getting, who's getting the best weeks, I should have priority because...... etc, etc save yourself the trouble.

The next time one of them makes a comment about sharing when you offer them something I'd just silently withdraw what I'm offering and make no response. They might grow up if they miss out on enough cake 🤣

Op YANBU I should hate this. Your family are massively unreasonable. It would defeat the purpose if you can't use it as a retreat, as and when. Glad to hear that you are standing your ground.

My sister had this but with acquaintances. What people don't realise - apart from the fact that they're being cheeky - is that these places are not set up as holiday cottages. She said that to them, but they didn't understand.

She said 'if you lock yourself out there isn't another key anywhere. There's no agent holding one, or anyone you can phone to come and get you in. If there's a plumbing or other problem, YOU will have to sort it yourselves straight away. We're not going to drive 150 miles at short notice to sort it out and again, there's no letting agent to do this for you."

And, as you say, holiday cottages don't have personal stuff around. It's a lot of work putting things away and there may not even be storage for it.

People are cheeky and just don't think it through. I wouldn't even ask someone in the first place, never mind keep pushing.

I really think letting pushy people have their way here would lead to a regretful 'No good turn goes unpunished!' afterwards.

Oh you just know this lot aren't replacing any broken cups hahah.

Imagine how much less grief you'd be experiencing if you just booked a hotel whenever you wanted.

Clearly there is lack of comprehension on this thread.

The OP wants to be able to decide on a Thursday evening that they want to go to THEIR cottage on the Friday. The principle is really the same as having a touring caravan/camper. You decide that you want to go away on the spur of the moment.

What a lot of PP are suggesting is that the OP ties herself to specific times of the year to go to HER property just so her relatives can have FREE holidays at the OPs expense.

I guess if your parents haven't been nice to you you don't want to be nice to them, something like that? Dunno. You must be conflicted to have started a thread. My advice would be, in all instances, chose love over stuff. If you can let go of your attachment to 'mine' you might actually find it really healing.

My partners father owns about 3 holiday homes around the world which he uses (none are let out), and he has never once offered to let us use any of them. His 2nd wife won’t let family use them in case they “make a mess”. And he’s owned them all for over 20 years. So not that unusual!

Yes, and if you allowed the "one set of parents, siblings on both sides, aunts and uncles, cousins, nephew" to use it I've no doubt they'd soon expect those friends and neighbours to be included too, possibly even handing them thhe keys without your knowledge

I can just about see parents and maybe siblings hoping for a turn - though even then they shouldn't expect it and make childish remarks because it's not on offer - but it sounds as if the entire family are out for a freebie and that's not on

Edited to add there's also the point that some don't value that which is free, so there'd be a major risk there too

This is a great endorsement for just buying a lovely touring camper.

Believe me - the same issues arise. My poor friend … she heard ‘ but you’re so selfish, you’ve already been away three times this year- we’d like a turn…’

My BIL tried to do this. Nobody was interested. I am not a liar.

but then most people don't have one home sitting empty most of the time. sure your new neighbours love living next to an empty house most of the year.

they're rude, I'd just think you were selfish but privately

So they're upset.... oh dear, what a shame.
Keep saying "no", OP!

From your info about the Christmas stay, they sound like a bunch of freeloaders who can bog off, frankly. Who on earth thinks it is ok to stay for 2 weeks at Christmas and not contribute so much as a bottle of wine??

Plus if it was just one or two couples, say just the two sets of parents, then it might be manageable but there’s a whole slew of extended family here who want a freebie.

Unfortunately they clearly think you are as rich as Croesus and they can take full advantage. I am very afraid that this will cause colossal resentment going forward and I feel sorry for the OP.

Remember the Mexican House Thief thread........

Some people will absolutely take the piss without any qualms.

OP's whinging relations sound like they would too. She knows them - we don't.

If it was 1 family member, I don't think OP would have a problem (maybe she would but that's up to her, it's her property) but she mentioned somewhere that there is a set of parents, another set that have separated so that would be 3 separate occasions that they would use the property. Plus OP has mentioned that there are siblings (x5), aunts and uncles and cousins plus another nephew so if she agreed to all of these people using the property, this would take up a lot of weeks/weekends and she wouldn't be able to go there, spontaneously as she hopes.

The relatives asked if they could use the property, OP has said no (seems like on more than one occasion) and they are now making unnecessary comments and trying to make the OP feel uncomfortable and guilt her into allowing them access to her property. Since when has that behaviour been acceptable?! I don't have any family members who would be cheeky enough to a) ask for a free holiday or b) then make sarcastic comments because I said no! So rude!

I'm with your DH, OP!

I agree. These relatives are entitled, grabby, and rude and they need to be avoided into the future.

It's your house, you don't want to do it. They should never have asked, but as they did they were told clearly no. So that's that.

We do not own a second home, but nor have I ever indulged in the politics of envy. The sort of people who are deeply, bitterly envious of anyone who has more than they do, to the point where they really would take it away from you if they could, that type swarms this site. They're great at spending other people's money and there's always an excuse for their green eyed sniping.

They are letting their family use it though! They are letting their adult children use it!! THEY are their family

Yep completely agree!! How rude and entitled can you be to go on and on and on and I’d be tempted to say “which part of NO do you not understand?” They would expect to use your house for free, not pay any of the utilities and not do any laundry and leave it a shithole and having gone through your personal items and most likely used them too!

They do.
Second properties pay a 5% premium on stamp duty in the UK. Your proposal is already in play. Some councils also charge double council tax, which goes almost a step beyond what you suggest.