Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

I offer our actual home to friends/family to stay in (nice area, close to London) when we go away so would definitely offer a second home. It is cheeky for them to make digs but we would absolutely do the same if DHs sister had a 2nd home and didn't offer it out to us and close family. She would never hear the last of it!

Yes. I live in one of these picturesque villages with an ever increasing amount of key code boxes and yes, if I use AirBnB, I will only book a room in a shared house. Btw, They're not second homes, they're second houses.

OP, people like you are why I’m a huge fan of massive taxes on second homes. If you can prove you’re renting it out for a minimum (eg 30%) of the year then you can register as a holiday let company. Otherwise you should be paying a huge property tax (eg 5%) to offset the damage done to local communities.

Exactly. There is a real danger that people would get used to go there at various times of the year and the OP would be the one left with a random week in February to spend in her own house.

No one’s entitled but you’ve got to admit it’s pretty stingey to own a holiday home and not let what appears to be a close family member have a holiday there

People keep talking about wanting to leave personal possessions there,what is stopping you? Or are you talking sex toys?! Presumably you don't mean you're worried about items going missing as it's family.

I’m the better off in my family and share whatever I can with them. So no, not politics of envy. Some of us recognise that those of us who have money have relied on others to help and support, as well as a fair amount of luck. Others prefer to pretend they did it all by themselves by sheer hard work - I’ve never, ever known that to be true.

My family had a second home in Spain. They let others use it, and the agreement was that they’d pay for a cleaner after the visit. They never put personal stuff away, but the house was tidy and it wasn’t like they left their knickers hanging around! It was greatly appreciated by those who did and they always treated the property with respect.
I think it’s odd not to let others use it - there must be some times when you know for sure you won’t be there? But you know your family best, and of course it’s your decision. Other friends that have second homes invite people to stay while they are there themselves which works well.

Absolutely.

You're not obliged to let them use it. But if I were you I'd invite them occasionally to stay with you while you were there. Spread the love and all that.

I'm not exactly a fan of homes lying empty most of the time while millions struggle with unstable or unsuitable housing. But you don't owe your family unlimited access to your other house.

Have you politely enquired? If my sister owned a second property I wouldn’t think she should automatically offer me the use of it and I wouldn’t feel put out if she didn’t.

I had an aunt & uncle (who I was very close to) who had a second property. They would invite me when they were there but never did I even think I was entitled to just use it, neither did my dad, who was a sibling or his other sibling. I find the entitlement on here so very weird and eye opening.

Depends where it is though. Cornwall or the Lakes? Sure.

Rural France/Spain - those areas are massively depopulated and it's often that or they sit empty and rotting anyway.

I don't blame you. Once you let one person go then you feel obliged to let everyone. Then you will get relatives who take their friends along with them (it sounds like it is quite spacious) so you then end up with people there who you don't know.

What happens if someone causes damage? Who deals with all the washing of bedding, etc - if someone is leaving in the early hours they are unlikely to wash any of your bedding and remake the beds before they go which leaves you with that job when you arrive. One persons cleanliness is very different to another persons.

My inlaws have a property abroad and used to let people use it - they rarely offered to pay anything for it so the inlaws ended up footing the bill for electric, etc. Sometimes it was left filthy - we once went out four weeks after the last person and found filthy pots in the sink and wet bedding in the washing machine. The whole place had been left in a complete mess. I spent the first 2 days there cleaning. They also upset the neighbours with their noise - so we got it in the neck about that too. The property is about to pass over to us - I will happily take friends and family with us if we are going but other than that, just us and our adult children, my inlaws and my mum (who would come with us anyway) will be using it.

OP, yanbu, absolutely not.

The situation of such entitlement means that it would be a complete disaster.
There are far too many people involved.
Of course you want it to be available for yourselves.

I have a second home as do several of my friends.
You need to be so careful about loaning it out.

My friend was initially generous the first year.
They had freshened the cottage up themselves and had made it very cosy, but she found when she would visit it was a bit grimey.

Multiple family had stayed but no one was leaving the house as they had found it, and she spent the first couple of hours cleaning so she could feel comfortable in her home.

The final incident was a bin with food left in it and the bathroom was grubby.
She sent a text to the family saying that unfortunately it wasn't working out and it was no longer available.
There was pushback but by this point she was so pissed off, she didn't care.

She bitterly regrets ever saying yes.
She is reasonably house proud and some people are rude enough think a quick wipe around is enough after a free holiday for a week.

There are too many people in your life wanting it, it will not end well.

Hold your position firmly.
Once you say yes to even one person, it will only cause even worse drama.

A blanket no is best.
I hear you about selfish parents.
You do not feel inclined to share something you have worked hard to fund with people that actually were quite selfish.

For me, finding a house that I left in ship shape, grimey from others, would spoil it.

As my friend said, she became a bit stressed before heading off as she wasn't sure what would greet her.

She also felt she had to clear it after each visit when she wanted to leave her bits there, making it easier to just head away.

Her family had years of fantastic exotic holidays for years, whilst they quietly saved the deposit for their little cottage.

It is extremely entitled to ask for something that was never offered.

Stay strong and see less of them.
They do not value you if they think making digs like that is on.

Don't tolerate it.

It’s easy for all these relatives to say’if we had it we’d be sharing with everyone’ when they don’t have it. What they want is to be able to control the usage of something that isn’t there’s. YANBU.
clearly you have bought the property through your own hard work and good fortune. They are not entitled to use it. (Even cheekier that they expect to get it for free as well)
you don’t have to let anyone use it. They can feel aggrieved by this but shouldn’t be going on about it.
At first I thought it may be a post where some could use it but not others but you’ve not let anyone use it so it’s not as though some relatives feel excluded.

"But if I were you I'd invite them occasionally to stay with you while you were there. Spread the love and all that."

What, you mean like when she invited 16+ family members to Christmas for two weeks and most of them turned up empty-handed? That sort of love?

A family member of mine has a villa in a European holiday destination. It has a pool so is very desirable for all of the extended family. Initially they allowed people to 'book,' it in advance for free but it got very excessive. They then wanted to bring their friends and extended family and the villa owners then started putting a £50 per person per week fee to cover water and AC. This really enraged put off a lot of people from 'booking' it, so was quite a successful strategy.

Not lend to "others" perhaps but most people would lend to parents and siblings. But if you think there is no difference to family and "others" then that's a problem for another thread.

My DH has a van. People always need a van. As long as they buy insurance for a day and replace fuel, he’s absolutely fine lending it out.
When I’m on holiday I let my neighbours know so they can use my parking space
I let friends and family borrow my clothes and shoes as does everyone else I know.

I think it’s normal behaviour frankly.

Op I'm actually with you on this. Pp who don't have close loving parents and families can't understand what it's like to have anything different.
I would only share with my own children.

I wouldn't want to share with my grabby extended family either 😂

Yeah, so many people here incredibly generous with their imaginary/ theoretical second homes! How noble. Maybe try lending members of your family a nice new car, new dress, jewellery, perfume or offering use of your own home to all and sundry whenever you’re away and see how that works out first!

They’re leeches. My sister is very wealthy compared to me and is extremely generous to me and always has been. I am grateful, I say thank you, I offer to pay etc. these people are gross.

I mean you’re entitled to that but unless they’re tramps I would let them use it. I’d prefer someone is enjoying it vs it being sat dormant. We kind of have an open house policy though, like my family and ILs are often just about and at our house unplanned so for us it’s probably different.

Obviously this is the povo version of your situation but my uncle and aunt used to have a static caravan and they let us use it all the time. Sometimes it was our only holiday so without that we probably wouldn’t have gone anywhere.

Why ever do t you let them use it when it's empty? I have a holiday home in France and allow all family and lots of friends too to use it if it's empty. Apart from a bit of electricity and water it costs us nothing to be nice. All I ask is they leave it clean and strip used bedding off on their last day and put by washing machine and put clean bedding back on. I've even let DS's cricket coach borrow it for a fortnight. Leaving it empty is not good as you are more prone to burglary. Also a few kind people have pulled up a few weeds from the garden and one guests cleaned some windows for me.

We have a second home that we let others use now it’s renovated (it was falling down before and empty for twenty years). We intend to retire to it eventually, BTW the renovation project took a decade and put thousands of pounds in to the local economy and provided lots of employment for locals and still does.

Our neighbours who have lived in the village for generations are happy that they no longer have to drive past an eyesore and one of them we pay to keep an eye on the place and clean up, and her husband does the mowing and pruning etc. We employ someone else in the village to do seasonal deep cleaning with the other neighbour and use all local suppliers and contractors. No one could live in it before so I hope our contribution to the village has been positive overall.

We have also paid for a big chunk of the village church’s roof to be restored along with seven other contributors, three of whom were found through us. Next up is the village hall renovation and my dh is in the fund-raising and organising committee. So not all second home owners are leeches as has been assumed here. In fact, in our village, it’s incomers who organise the volunteers for the bi-annual clean up and a load of second home owners are on the rota for church flowers, village shop duty, along with the locals.

On the question of letting friends and family stay, we’ve found among family and friends that it is inevitably the people who don’t take no for an answer and who are quite pushy who abuse your hospitality, and that attitude carries on in to having loud barbecues late at night, or leaving the place just about clean and ruining sofa covers, or drinking my dh’s wine, and not saying anything (to use a few concrete examples) and not really contributing or leaving even a thank you note.

Whereas another family member who never asked, and had to be encouraged and persuaded by us many times before she took a well needed break there, bought us an enormous pot which she had planted up for the garden, had done a load of weeding, and had cleaned under all beds and sofas and washed the windows, which we weren’t remotely expecting!

So op is prudent to choose wisely!

I would always advise arranging personal belongings so that they are stored separately and securely in each room though as you never know when this comes in handy.

For example, I had an accident out of the blue at the beginning of last year which meant I couldn’t walk for six months and my dh had to look after me which meant that neither of us could go to the cottage and bc our personal belongings were organised and out of the way. we were able to offer the place to a couple for six months who had a gap between leaving their old home and their new home being renovated.