Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

I think OP is right not letting the others have time there. They are all jealous and are freeloaders. Just think if some people (even just 2 or 3) came to your home over 2 weeks, ate and drank everything, turned on everything electric, used your washing machine several times a day, how much it would cost. On top of that they would leave the whole place filthy no doubt.

Why should OP subsidise their life? OP and her DH have probably worked hard, saved or have inherited money. That is what has happed. The green eyed monster is all around her and would suck the joy and all the benefits of the second home.

Enjoy your home OP and you are right in not letting these greedy jealous freeloaders spoil it.

MY 2nd home friends love their family. I am sure that their love is reciprocated.

However, it didn’t stop this same family leaving the borrowed home in an appalling state, when they left !

..ME, I would call that, ‘Selfish’.

Yet, the OP is being called selfish……..Incredible !!

Some people spend all their weekends in their ‘holiday’ home.
And even if they didn’t, the fact it’s a second home doesn’t mean it’s a HOLIDAY HOME, aka one open to everyone.
If it’s was a real holiday home, there would be bookings and people would need to pay.

My sister owns a second home in the Lake District and has never offered us the opportunity to stay there. Of course, that's their perogative, but don't expect any favours from us (we used to dog sit whilst they went abroad 3 times a year). We no longer have the same relationship.

Maybe this is more about who is seen as important to you? I read your post initially as it being that you and your partner and children are the people who use the holiday home but you then said adult children use it too. So the adult children are important to you ? I don't think you have to let anyone use it if you don't want to and others shouldn't keep bringing it up. But maybe you should just accept things as they are and not socialise outside of the people you value enough to share your life with.

When they are this entitled, they wouldn't pay for any damage or ...anything arising like electricity and other bills. You know they would be presenting you with problems you have to solve.

My sister is like this. Always on the cadge and then not looking after stuff. She borrowed an oak side table from me. Came back broken. Borrowed a tent. Came back with no poles or pegs. Borrowed a saddle. Kept it in a damp shed and it was green and had to go in the bin. I could go on. Did she offer to pay for any of this stuff? Take a guess. She has been like this all her life. Borrowed Dads cars. Broke them and left them on the side of the road.

When people that are this entitled don't own stuff, they don't respect it.

I’m glad I don’t have money for a second home because I think I’d feel the same as OP but would dislike having to draw the line. I think it makes sense that this is a holiday house for OP’s core family unit. If OP allows all the relatives to use it she will never have it for her own uses and have to dodge around everyone. Suddenly someone (even family) can’t pay their rent and now they’ve holed up in this second home. I think the only expectation anyone should have is if invited explicitly by OP and her DH for the larger celebrations such as Christmas. Hold firm, OP.

Even if I had the money it’s different for me I have a very small family I think it wouldn’t interfere to share and they would be respectful, but I would worry a certain SIL would move in there as she is always finding ways to use her mum (my MIL) financially. She would move onto an opportunity like this fast.

I would definitely let close family use it and a couple of close friends. I would rather it was in use than sat empty and what a wonderful thing to be able to share. I HATE waste,

Oh dear.

I am sure you be disappointed to know that the locals, and other people with second homes in the area, have been lovely. It is somewhere we used to go regularly so my children already had some friends there and we are friends with their parents. We know many of the people who run the cafes and village shop and due to having lots of work done on the house we now know lots of trades people, have a gardener and regular cleaner. Everyone has been very welcoming.

Well I think the OP’s problem is quite a big one actually.
The people she is now avoiding due to their behaviour are her and her dh parents , siblings etc….
Thats a pretty important thing for most people.

That sounds lovely but it does restrict the OP wanting to be able to go to her house on impulse(as she should be able to do). Plus,it there not a risk that family members become used to go there at various times of the year and the owner is the one having to book the time to spend in their own house?

I really cant believe how much grief OP is getting here! She’s no doubt worked hard to be able to buy a second home. And she wants to use it for herself and her kids. I would hate having other people in my house. It would be like running a B&B without the payment. And from OP’s update regarding Christmas, family members clearly won’t be paying anything to stay there. And the bills don’t pay themselves.

OP I would dig my heels right in… make it very clear that you value you privacy and like to be able to have a spontaneous getaway. And not worry that uncle Fred is there or cousin Jean etc…. I would also point out that the number of people wanting to stay there would effectively mean that you would only have access to your own home for a very short period, and that you didn’t buy it for them! And if they still go in, you can point out that you did not buy the house s9 they could have freebies holidays. Honestly, people are so entitled.

Taking your stance on sharing your home out of the conversation for a moment, your family sounds shitty. Id never dream of having my sibling host me for two weeks without making any contributions. Id be absolutely mortified to go into someone's home, have them serve me tea and use that as an opportunity to make snide digs.

Perhaps if they were different your stance might be.

I’m afraid that I’ve learned the hard way that if I ever had a holiday home again I’d not tell (some) family ever. It builds resentment and entitlement I’m afraid and is often a visible demonstration that one part of family is better off than others. I can think of nothing that can cause such ructions in a family as much as this, except perhaps one side choosing private education.

I’m going to leave the thread for a while at least. Some unpleasant posters have arrived to tell me I’m mean, unkind and to insinuate I don’t love my family. They are all really kind posters though, much kinder than me, as they would lend their house to others….if they had one of course. 🤔

Thanks to posters who have been respectful whether you have agreed with me or not.

There is actually a surfeit of flats in this area - and no one is buying flats right now . We spend a lot more in restaurants than locals as we tend to eat out ‘on holiday’ . I am by no means wealthy and I have no wish to become a landlord - but looks like I will need to be one . Then I will be making money out of local people . No young people in the area anyway as there are no jobs unless working in hospitality ! I used an inheritance at a time when the banks were paying zero interest in investment. Mumsnet is full of jealous meanminded people - very little tolerance or understanding on almost all subjects - unless you are asking opinions on what to wear . And as for the number of people who are hung up on the most minor misdemeanours by husbands or in-laws - whose response is either leave him or cut them off !!! I wonder how many of you are perfect - or by the responses if you are still going through puberty !!! There is very little kindness or humour or forgiveness on this site. Apologies rant over

I think you'd be surprised to know what people say behind your back. Most people in general are nice (especially if they are tradespeople who rely on your money), but I am absolutely certain that in areas of high tourism, second home owners who keep the property empty for long periods are right at the bottom of the food chain.

I am a second home owner and very aware of my standing locally (we try and keep the property as close to 100% occupied as we can but still there are locals who will never accept us) but I also know that behind the smiles and 'welcome backs' the real hatred is reserved for those who keep their properties empty on purpose.

We have a second home too - one that we use similarly. Ie it is not a holiday home but a home that a member of our family is using most of the time as we basically live across two properties and locations (the second home is where DH lives in the week for work and our Autistic DD goes to uni, so is there ft in term time).

It’s in London, central, handy for all the sites (because we chose it to be handy for uni, DH’s work and access to transport) and means I can go to professional/academic conferences and events without incurring hideous hotel fees. We have had the exact same response with people asking if they could use it for a weekend etc. Especially male friends of DH thinking it is his bachelor pad.

We’ve had to state that NO it is our home. An extension of our primary home, with personal stuff of my DD’s etc, and as such is her safe space and DH’s refuge after very long days when commuting/train cancellations were beginning to impact his health. We’re happy to host a couple of friends if we arrange a night out, just as we would at our primary home, but this is not a party pad come air BnB.

I feel bad about it as it is such a privilege to be in a position to have this second home and be able to support our DD in this way especially, but I do feel a bit miffed at the sudden increase in invites for nights out in London…

Yes, lesson learned and we regret telling them.

Nice 🤣

You think you do? Pot and kettle here.

I'm with the op here. You bought the property as a bolt hole to use as and when you like so why shouldn't it be available to you as and you like. People who buy caravans for their own use often have the same problem. Everybody thinks any time it's empty it's a free for all.They don't count in the inconvenience for the actual owners who are paying to have the property.
It's very easy to say you would lend it out if it was yours when there's no way you're ever going to have to. It's being free with other people's things in a way that only seems to happens with property
My family only have one car. Lots of my relatives families have two cars. Sometimes the second car is sitting on the drive doing nothing. I wonder what all these people saying 'if it was theirs they would give it' would say if I asked to use their second car because id noticed it wasn't being used much. Id expect they'd rightly say...we know the car isn't being used all the time, but we want it available to use when ever we choose to use it.
Quite right. It's their car to keep for their convenience ...just st its your property to keep to use at your convenience.
If it was offered, I would naturally be delighted, but I would never, ever expect the use of other people's belongings whether car or property ...and neither should they 💐

To use a very popular mumsnet term it’s also about boundaries.
You allow uncle Fred and Aunt Freda to use it for a week in May.
Next thing they’re asking about a long weekend in July with their friends John and Jane
And rather than being spontaneous you’re consulting the rota to see if your own house is free.
Plus when you go the first task is to put away the bedding they used, assuming they actually washed it and hung it up.
And discovering the pasta you were going to cook after your journey has disappeared and someone has messed around with the tv settings and broken a plate but not told you.

Sadly your family, like many of the PP on MN and the majority of the labour party, subscribe to the ‘you must share all your money and assets with those who can’t afford them and all family/friends on demand’ philosophy. Politics of envy and a form of entitlement embedded in family relationships.

This is how I would feel.

But if I had a second home I would also let close family use it any time I wasn't there