Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

For the reasons I said. It’s funny and perfectly pitched.

Yeah, imagine if I had a home with a nice big garden, a hot tub, a diamond necklace, nice big TV, 7 seater car or a home gym. Would I be fine with family and friends pitching up to use these things if not offered to them, so sister demanding to use necklace and then making immature comments if I said no, parents in the hot tub at 7 on a Sunday morning, BIL taking the car to the big shop? Absolutely not.

OP, it sounds like your property is huge if you hosted so much family over Christmas (or is that where you live now?). Can they not double up and use it. Block out time when you might want to use it and allow family to book around these dates. You could literally say it's free for these 3 weeks and not again over the summer and they can work it out between them, sharing or going for less time. Ultimately it's up to you but your family will always view you as selfish when you would rather your house sits empty than let them stay in it for a short time. I would ask them to contribute to utilities though with the condition that if it isn't left clean and tidy than they won't be allowed to use it again.

You sound ungenerous.

Why did you tell them about it?

It is bad mannered of them to bring it up again.

Anything you want to keep for yourself only, keep quiet about in future.

Not smug…just a decent person

Yes. That poster said ‘you contract with a cleaning company’. I doubt the accepted contract would be sporadic cleans here and there. A professional cleaning company would most likely give priority to places that had regular cleans. Cleaning companies are busy people.

You obviously will never change your mind so not sure why you posted - just to vent and get validation I guess. Fair enough.

For my part I'm aligned with others (FYI I am a second home owner, and yes I share it). Firstly responsibility to local community and needing properties to be used. I hate the local second home owners who leave their houses empty 11 months of the year, it's so wasteful.

Also it's really not that much hassle and a nice thing to do. We get friends and families to pay for a cleaning service after so it's sparkly when we next arrive. Means they get a holiday for <£200 rather than the £2k-£3k a similar property in the same location would cost for a week in peak season.* And of course there are times we know we definitely can't go because of other commitments, and those are the times we let people use it. Easy. Of course our friends and families' financial affairs and what they can or can't afford isn't our problem, but if we have the means to be kind why not be kind?

Or to flip it round, if you have the ability to be kind and choose not to be for no real reason, that is, for want of a better word, unkind. I would personally look down on this.

*The only time I've had my nose put out was a very well off not very close friend asking to use it for a week in august and being very annoyed it was already fully occupied. I'd suggested other places in the locality she could rent if she wanted to visit the area and she was most peeved and made a lot of comments about me being selfish. I don't speak to her any more. So there's definitely a line, but for me the line was that she wasn't a close friend and also I knew she could absolutely afford to pay her own holiday and just wanted a freebie. If she was close, or family, or a mate I knew it would make a massive difference to, I'd always try and fit them in.

It’s only perfectly pitched if you’re an entitled arse who revels in passive aggression. Sounds like something off Mrs Browns Boys to me. Plus exceptionally stupid because the OP was in fact sharing cake at the very point this comment was made.

I’d probably have chucked the cake in the bin at this point and started washing up in a “party is over now” fashion. And yes it certainly wouldn’t have encouraged me to revisit my thoughts on sharing the holiday home.

You sound lovely.

That approach would work with a reasonable family. But everything OP has shared suggests her family are 'takers' and obnoxious with it. This wouldn't suit them all (it's a big group) and she'd just have the worst of both worlds - endless bitching and people trying to negotiate more time, ungrateful entitled family using her property. Unfortunately a hard No is all that works with entitled brats who think what's yours, is theirs.

Before the start of the year block off dates it’s unavailable . you then let parents and siblings only choose one weekend each when they would like to use it. if it makes you happier and it probably will if it’s say 7 couples you pick 7 weekends when it’s free and go to them one at a time to pick a date, or decline, parents first.

That way it’s not standing empty and everyone gets a holiday next year. I’ve not had a holiday for two years due to COL so it would be amazing if someone offered me a weekend away in their holiday home, I would of course pay them something or buy a small gift as a thank you.

if someone treats the place badly they don’t get a weekend next year.

Some parents aren’t these lovely people who sacrificed everything for their children. Some have affairs, only see them once a month, prioritise step children and aren’t always there to talk to.

There are worse parents than mine, but mine were very selfish during my teen years especially. My relationship is ok with them now, but that’s mostly because I have let a lot go to have a relationship with them and extended family.

I don't think that's a fair comparison really.

If my sister asked to use my diamond necklace for a function, with notice, of course I'd say yes! I wouldn't say 'oh but I never know when I am going to get invited to a black tie gala so I need it in the house at all times'.

I think people struggle with the difference between what people 'must' do (of course no one MUST share their stuff if they don't want to) and what's kind or generous to do. And of course no one must be kind or generous if they don't want to be. BUT it's also completely reasonable that if you behave in a way that's unkind and ungenerous that people would comment upon that. In our society, people prefer to be friends with others who are those things.

It’s not funny. It’s sarcastic and snidey.

I get this.
In a much smaller way, I have my caravan on a seasonal pitch in a very beautiful place. It costs me £3k + utilities a season to have it there, and I want to use it whenever I can. I’d gladly let my siblings use it because I could be there too, and just put the awning up to sleep in, but several of my friends have asked when they’d be able to use it… this is cheeky!
I choose it over spending that money on a foreign holiday, and I don’t want to give up my time there so someone else can use it!

And some holiday homes are in incredibly remote places where you simply can’t just call on 2/3 cleaning companies on a one off basis- you have to have a contract with a local person for the entire season. As well as the fact that one-off cleaning companies are notorious for stealing things and/ or leaving stuff unlocked, taps/ lights on (because they don’t have a regular relationship with the client and often use casual staff) so someone would need to go in pretty soon after that to check on the place. Which is really difficult if you’re 200-300 miles away.

You’re entitled to make your choice but I find it really weird you see such a huge difference between your children (who are allowed to use the place whenever they want and take friends) versus your parents who raised you, who get nothing!
I would (at a minimum) allocate a couple of weeks for family and then if there was excess demand, run a ‘first in first served’ or a ballot to decide who got it. That way you aren’t having to interrupt your own schedule or field constant questions on whether it’s available.

Not read through all the posts but up to you who you let stay in your house . If you have a big family it’s would be a nightmare , if you let one have it then everyone else will assume they can stay .And if they won’t pay towards it I’m guessing you foot the bill for the extra gas electricity etc . Also cleaning, wear and tear on everything . Maybe they should all club together and buy a property themselves . Are they all so poor that they can’t afford holidays? And as for the person that says having a second home stops locals from buying in their own area . How can she even say that when she doesn’t even know where you have your home? I agree this is the case in some areas , nice villages etc but we don’t know do we , so to comment on something we know nothing about seems a bit OTT . Anyway , I’m prob in the minority , but I think you are right to just have it for you and your children , that’s enough. If I had a relative with a nice 2nd property , I wouldn’t have the cheek to assume I could stay there !

Fair enough, you have the right to want what you want and to have it if you can afford it. Everyone else who knows you has the right to consider you to be selfish arseholes and the people whose community you are destroying have the right to shun you when you move there, but you will be alright because after all money can buy happiness, you don't need anyone to think that you are a good and decent person if you have enough money. You'll even be able to buy the friendship and company of people who are money-motivated so you won't even miss the people who don't like you.

I sympathise OP
My family would be like this!
DH and I do intend to get a small holiday home in the future but I won’t be telling them.

They have all slept in my home, had meals here, come to several parties a year here, dropped in for coffee when it suited them.
I’ve never been to theirs!
They’re takers and I’m sick of it.

Enjoy the holiday home OP

If only I had “problems” like this 😂

Some people are hilariously self entitled. It is your home, you have said no. End of.
I'm with your husband, if they can't show the basic respect of accepting your answer they would be hearing alot less of me.

I mean one option would be to allocate 2 seperate weeks a year, to allow family to use it at a set cost to cover utilities. If you make it Wed- Wed that’s only 2 weekends out of the year you can’t use it, and choose a time in the year when it isn’t school holidays and they/you are less likely to use it. That way they have to squabble to use it or a first come first served. The only problem is that then they have access to a key and may get a copy made to try to use it when ever. Alternatively, plan and ask them to join you for a couple of days whilst you’re there, when they have booked a holiday so they can’t join you because it’s not convenient for them. Or better still, wait till they are actually away and say, you are free to use the house this weekend, if they try to rearrange, it’s not convenient.
That way you’ve opened up to the idea but it’s inconvenient for them so they can’t use it, so every snipe gets a response, “but we invited you then”. Or just snap back, or ride it out.

I agree with you OP.

I would never ask to stay in a relative's holiday home, if they wanted to they would offer. It's so cheeky.

They sound very entitled, it's none of their business who stays there and you shouldn't have to explain yourself.

@BunnyLake @WhistPie - you are incorrect on cleaners in areas of high holiday home ownership and regular contracts. In cities, where people's primary homes are being cleaned, absolutely a company will want a regular slot on a regular day each week or fortnight or whatever. In areas of high tourism, particularly because of Airbnb where there are no set check ins or check outs, cleaners need to be flexible (with notice) and just pack their diaries with whatever check outs are happening that day for the properties they cover. Many of these individuals or companies earn a lot of their income for the year during the summer months so will tend to take on more jobs, work longer hours etc to squeeze everything in. I've had a property in an area of high tourism for years and always worked this way, ie: some weeks our company may have no hours, other weeks 2 cleans in one week.

So regardless, it's a non-issue for the OP. But it isn't really the issue, the issue is she doesn't want to share. And that's her prerogative. Not the way I think, and if one of my mates had this approach I'd probably feel we were quite different people but it's whatever really.