Can't sleep worrying about y6 WhatsApp drama!

[Quokkafeet]

My daughter turns 11 in August, off to secondary in September.

We've always been quite firmly against getting her a smartphone. She does have a Nokia phone for texting, keeping in touch with us and friends.

She has never really asked for a smartphone in earnest. Mentioned a couple of times in the last few months. She's generally a happy girl, nice friends. Loves school.

One of her friends (friend A) has older siblings and always had a lot of freedom with tech. Apple watch, iPhone, tablet from young age. I've explained different families do things differently and DD has accepted that. Recently another of her lovely friends (friend B) who she has been friends with since reception got a smartphone and it was like an overnight change in the way this girl interacted with my DD. Odd, snide comments, telling her other people were calling her annoying. Regularly telling her how late she was up video calling other members of the class and that they would have called DD but she didn't have a phone. Often friend B and A would text DD in the evening telling her they were on a video call together and it was "so funny" etc. I could tell DD was starting to feel left out but more than that, hurt by the fact they were quite obviously intending for her to feel that way.

Anyway she's come home the other night and cried, actually saying thank you for not letting me have a smartphone. Apparently there have been huge fall outs on a class WhatsApp group that I didn't even realise existed because DD obviously isn't in it. Multiple kids sent to head in their last couple of days of y6. Mainly because they were bitching about children that weren't on it and then a couple of kids screenshot the conversation and showed it to the children concerned. It wasn't DD that was targeted in this bit of meanness, but what has happened is one of the targeted children asked to join the group and changed her name on WhatsApp to my DD's name. She then joined the conversation, impersonating my DD, and told the group she has a crush on one of the boys.

DD is devastated and I've no idea where to take this. School has finished. I don't know the parents. Mainly DD is just completely freaked out that someone can pretend to be her and she has no idea it's even happening. I asked if it made her want to join the group so she felt in control of what was being said and she said no, she wants absolutely nothing to do with it and now doesn't ever want a smartphone at all.

Parents of y6/ 7 kids.... Is any of this normal? How the hell are you parenting your way through this? It's clear these kids in DD's class are in no way ready for WhatsApp and their behaviour has become unhinged as a result.

Also, I feel DD is being left out because she isn't on nightly 'calls' with her mates but I don't want her facetiming random groups of classmates late into the night and she doesn't really want to do that either but at the same time, she's out of it.

I'd particularly love to hear from any parents of kids who don't have WhatsApp/ smartphones and how their kids are navigating y7!

And people are still moaning about kids being banned from social media! I feel so sad for your DD being exposed to this. Sadly as a teacher I see this almost daily - it used to be bullying at school but kids could escape at home. That's no longer the case.
I would encourage your DD to meet up with her nice friends in the summer and hopefully will make new friends at her new school.
Hang in there!

I think you have handled this really well, and your dd sounds like a lovely and sensible kid. I'm sorry her classmates have done this. Fortunately the 6 week holiday is a really long time for kids that age and they will have moved on to fresh dramas by September. Dramas that your dd won't be involved in because she's got the sense to not want to be a part of it.

Theres a big difference between calling her mates (like we all did back in the day, just now it’s via FaceTime not a phone on the wall in the hall) and being on a call with “randoms, late into the night”.

My 11yo learned to use FaceTime as a 5 year old in lockdown calling her grandparents to read her a story. It’s nothing new or particularly novel/ attractive to her; just a communication tool.

Staying out of group chats seems to be the way to avoid the drama. You can’t stop kids being mean sadly, the school will have done lessons on appropriate use of technology, and secondary certainly will, but ultimately you can’t control what other kids / parents do. In secondary school youll
find a much greater range of parenting… all the big issues from alcohol, vaping, curfews etc. All you can do is focus on your own values & standards don’t get obsessed with what others are doing. Someone most likely will offer your daughter a vape/weed/whatever and she needs to be taught how to say no. Same goes for Snapchat etc.

I also think there’s a difference between calls and social media. My DD has a very locked down smartphone. She uses it on Saturday afternoons or some early evenings to chat with a group of 3 or 4 girls. No WhatsApp or Snapchat or anything. Like your DD mine actually thanked me once for not letting her go on it due to the school dramas it caused. Ironically now - her friendship group think those that are on it all the time are a bit silly.

Ignore it all and focus on teaching DD how to identify good friendship and knowing her own boundaries so she doesn't get drawn into it all at secondary. It's actually much more powerful to say "oh I don't get into all that" than it is to be sucked into 11pm WhatsApp drama.

My daughter didn’t get a nokia until Oct of year 7. I let her video call close friends from my phone sometimes. I read The Anxious Generation which gave me confidence I was doing the right thing. My daughter is friendly and tries to get along with everyone. After class fall outs via whatsapp she has been pleased that everyone is still speaking to her. At secondary school she has made friends with kids who also don’t have smartphones.

Are you on a parents chat @Quokkafeet? Maybe you could mention it there?

We have allowed DC2 (year 6) WA but she has only just these past few week been allowed to take a few numbers / give her number. There is a blanket "no group" rule and when she starts secondary school she is not allowed to give her number out to anyone and everyone. We also regularly check the phone. Anything untoward and WA is gone.

Phone time is limited to a few hours at the weekends and she wont be taking her phone to school in September.

11 year old dd is not having a smart phone until shes 16, so far it’s working without complaint from her.
My teenage stepdaughter had a smartphone since she was 8, it’s caused absolute hell for her and been impossible to get rid on once she had it. I have similar terrible stories from having a smartphone from a young teenager and so knew I would never give one to my children.
Dd is allowed to video call to select friends in the evening but from my phone in a family space. She’s also pretty much allowed friends round here when ever she likes, we allow last minute dinner dates and sleepovers because we don’t want her to miss out on friendships but want them to happen in real life not on the phone. We also keep her busy with hobbies and activities, making sure she’s out of the house doing something every day in the holidays and weekends.

DS1 has just finished Y8 and has extremely limited access to phone functions and no internet. No social media, except WhatsApp. He got WhatsApp towards the end of Y7, when all of the ‘excitement’ had died down.

He and his friends aren’t that bothered about their smartphones. They mainly video call to play Minecraft. I think it’s different for girls.

The additional challenge is, once you've "broken the seal" it's harder to control. You can tell a child not to give out their own number, but others will share that number, either through "bob asked and i gave it to him", or through broadcast. Children also add others to groups, constantly, even when they've left, and add people to group phone calls. As a y6 teacher, It's a lowest common denominator nightmare. Stick to your guns OP, reassure your daughter she is way ahead of the curve and she'll find others like her next year. Any groups or clubs she could join this summer, just for some different friends in the next 6 weeks?

With the new legislation coming in for the new school year, at least children will be stopped accessing their phones at school. It won't stop the WhatsApp, Snapchat bullying etc but might limit it a bit.

My DD is the same age and does have a smart phone but doesn't have What's app or any social media. I think when she goes to senior school I'm going to cut off her data as well. But I mainly just wanted to say that recently DD has been being called annoying and pushed out by girls at their school settling days, with one girl in particular ring leading her supposed friends to exclude my daughter, telling other kids she's never met before that my DD is annoying and getting them not to include her. So sadly I think if kids are unkind they'll find ways with or without tech. If this is what they're like in person I certainly wouldn't let them loose on tech where they can be more anonymous. I know you didn't fyi! I'm sorry this happened to your dd and hope she has a good move up to senior school and meets lovely people.

I think the girl impersonating your daughter needs to realise that what she is doing is serious. Maybe your daughter should ‘mention’ to someone about going to the police. Give her a sharp shock.

F

Thanks so much all, for your support.

A few things - the impersonation really unsettled her and it unsettled me too. I think it's the realisation that she got the consequences of WA bullying without even being on it, so it's just completely outside of my control and protection. Yes there is a y6 WA parents group. It gets very little on it , especially now. I don't know the girl or her parents but I could post a generic message and considered doing that. It would mean all the parents would likely speak to their kids and I'm conscious I don't want to make it worse!

To the PP that mentioned facetime in lockdown etc, it isn't the same. It's hard to explain the way it's used in my DD's class. We use video calls ourselves for grandparents, cousins, family friends. Usually I message first and then we have a call. What happens amongst her friends is they just constantly call each other up at random and then stay on the call while doing other things. So they'll be constantly connected into each others homes. What DD finds annoying with Friend A is she will go to our house to hang out and Friend A will immediately call another friend. So last week when she was over there, the whole time she was there there was about 5 kids from her class also 'in the room'. This means DD is missing out on hours of socialising time with her peers, so it's pushing her out. At the same time, she is quite introverted so isn't asking me to help her join in!

I'm glad it hear other kids are navigating y7 without it all. I do wonder if it's the novelty because for some reason loads of parents here decided y6 was the time to let them have it.

One thing that really annoys me is when people say to me 'how will she ever learn to deal with it' if I don't let her have it. I don't think she should have to learn to deal with a lot of the shit that's going on currently! I think the other kids should learn to deal with socialising respectfully in the real world before being let loose on social media which is much more nuanced and difficult to navigate.

Unfortunately this is normal and often more common in groups go girls. You will probably find a few parents (often the ring leaders in the bullying online) are the.ones who will refuse to believe there "angel" did it. This is the reason for social media bans.

DD has just finished year 7. One of the few without WA. And from all the group what’s app dramas, I am so glad we stood firm. One of her friends was recently allowed Tik Tok, snap chat etc and DD said she changed almost overnight. And not for the better. These kids are too young to deal with this wider world and you’re doing the right thing. Your daughter sounds sensible and emotionally intelligent. My DD has a smartphone but it’s locked down. She can SMS and she has lovely friends. Secondary school can be brutal but she’s had a great first year and I do put some of that down to the fact she’s no SM and no WA.

This is so encouraging thank you.

Its hard being in a minority and to be honest I've been wavering lately, because I want her to fit in. But seeing the change in her friend has really thrown me.

I just wish she didn't have to either deal with it or be on the outside. Time will tell how it effects her socially. I think the hardest thing is if they get badly affected by social media, we all blame social media. But if they get bullied for not being on it, it feels like it's our fault as parents for putting them in that situation.... And that's how the kids see it too!

I try to remember that one day she will look back and might understand our stance on it. But maybe by then it will all be so engrained in society that our stance will seem even more alien!

You’ve definitely made the right decisions. What a horrible thing to do especially the impersonating. As you said, highlights that primary school kids should not have access to any SM on my opinion.

Exactly why kids shouldn’t have smart phones and groups like WhatsApp. They are not old enough to navigate them and parents don’t police them enough. A breeding ground for awful behaviour.

This is normal and it will potentially get worse in secondary school. The amount of time the pastoral team spend on dealing with this kind of shit is a complete joke.

You need to be the calm one, don’t over react to it. Some kids are unkind (they always have been as they don’t have fully formed brains) but now they hide behind screens. She will meet lots more people in life who behave like this, use it as a valuable lesson.

Tell her to do the activities she wants to at high school and hopefully she'll make new, more caring friends there.

In my children’s school a lot of the children started getting phones/ WA around year 5 which I think is far too young. My daughter begged for a phone and we had tears for a while but we stayed firm. After a couple of months it all kicked off the big year WA group was apparently horrendous and the headteacher was constantly sending out messages that parents should be supervising their kids on their phones. After seeing all this my dd realised she didn’t want to be a part of it and was glad we didn’t give her a phone. Shes now just finished year 6 and we are only just giving her a phone and she is happy she has never been a part of it all.

Im so sorry your poor daughter has been caught up in it despite never having a phone. I would probably try and help her look forward to secondary and meeting new people as these children are not ones she will want in her life. It’s horrible though so I can see why you feel so upset for her.

DD just finished yr6, turns 11 in August, has had an old locked down iPhone since February.
No social media, no WhatsApp but can iMessage/text and FaceTime. Can’t add or accept contacts (i have to approve them). Doesn’t pick the phone up if it’s a number she doesn’t know calling.
So far, no drama. She does do the pottering about on calls thing but they get bored after a bit and hang up.
Senior school have a really strict phone policy that has been in place for a while, junior school have done a very thorough job of teaching the dangers and downsides of social media to the point where they all think it’s for old people only and/or full of pervs so the girls steer clear!

Thanks! Your school sounds like it's done a good job. I'm wondering if ours did anything!

I was considering getting her a locked down smart phone so that she at least 'has' a phone. But wondered if that would just be a gateway to it all, if she has a phone that was capable of running WA. My husband is dead against it for that reason!

Sounds like you have managed a good balance. I do think it probably depends on the cohort as well. DD is in a class with girls that were total drama llamas before phones even came on the scene so I should have seen it all coming!

Maybe not yet but get yourself a second phone that it is used for her but making it clear it is definitely your phone.